..
From…?
If we can just hit that bull’s-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Jackpot!
-Zapp Brannigan, Futurama
Just like you man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. It’s all in the game though, right?
Omar
A sketch on now-defunct comedy show called “The Newz”:
Black cat: “I will use all of my nine lives to kill you. I will play with your intestines like a ball of string and use your spine as a scratching post.”
One of the first STAR TREK episodes, “Charlie X.” Captain Kirk is telling young Charles Evans that Yeoman Janice Rand isn’t the right girl for him.
The X-Files:
“Then there are those who care not about extraterrestrials, searching for meaning in other human beings. Rare or lucky are those who find it. For although we may not be alone in the universe, in our own separate ways on this planet, we are all…alone”
I’ve got a whole file of Fishisms (from Ally McBeal). So hard to pick just one! How about:
“Helping people is never more rewarding than when it’s in your own self-interest.”
And this exchange kills me every time:
(Fish) I make a great living, good friends, my own firm by the age of 30. But…life, I want more, John.
(Cage) More?
(Fish) Money. More money. I know it’s a weakness and I’ve actually been trying to think less about wealth and instead focus on the…things I can buy with it. Sometimes when I look at my portfolio, I get aroused.
If I may, let me post my second favorite quote in light of the above:
Lovey Howell, when the Professor tells her money cannot buy happiness:
“Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop!”
“Are you coming on to me? I’m not hearing a no!” Zoidberg, to President Truman on Futurama. Context is everything.
Or, if context isn’t everything: “Well, I don’t know what a supernova is, but if it’s anything like my old Chevy Nova, it’ll light up the night sky!” Fry, on Futurama.
“The Earth is doomed.” - Rupert Giles
The full exchange:
*Buffy Summers: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
**Xander: **Oh, yeah, that’s a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren’t on Hellmouths.
Willow Rosenberg: Maybe you could blow something up. They’re really strict about that.
**Buffy Summers: **I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y’know, like excessive not studying.
Giles: The Earth is doomed. *
There are hundreds from this guy, his character had some of the best TV dialogue ever written, in my opinion. I’ll go with this one, though, because it’s been that kind of week. 
In life you have to do a lot of things you don’t fucking want to do. Many times, that’s what the fuck life is… one vile fucking task after another.
- Al Swearengen, Deadwood
Boy, talk show hosts say really ordinary things, but their delivery inflates them with The Helium That Is Humor.
If you just listed Catchphrases of Talk Show Hosts, they wouldn’t be funny at all.
See?:
I did not know that… (Johnny)
I wouldn’t give your troubles to a monkey on a rock! A monkey… on… a rock. (Dave)
Here it is, your moment of Zen. (Jon)
…for me to poop on! (Conan, kind of)
It’s a great day in America! (Craig)
But my one line that I still use with my children and students:
“I kid you not.” (Jack Paar)
From the Jaynestown episode of Firefly, just after the group has seen the statue to Jayne:
Simon Tam: ‘This must be what it feels like to be crazy.’
Although I hated Mash, I sometimes use the Hawkeye line: “Never let it be said that I didn’t do the least I could do”.
Too many Zapp Brannigans to post them all, but one of my favorites:
Lana: What, are you just hitting random keys?
Archer: Well, obviously!
“You know, there are worse ways to go, but I can’t think of a more undignified way than autoerotic asphyxiation.”
The X-Files, episode 3.04 “Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose”
Nitpick: “This must be what going mad feels like.” Cite
The turkeys episode was actually the seventh, not the first.
Acknowledged.