Don’t do anything, or you wont be you, and then you will be unhappy, in a different way.
Just be you, and do what interests you.
Yes…again…everything I do is for me. It’s easy for something to get miscommunicated. I’m a music teacher who plays jazz music, practices yoga, travels, runs long distances, drinks beer, nerdily into video games, social dances, health nut…etc. I’m pretty sure in this world I am in a small minority. I love my life and hobbies. Just others don’t. I don’t plan on giving any of them up. I’ve never gone with the crowd. Maybe that’s the problem. But who cares…I’m too far gone down my own path to change anything now. People like being around me it seems, but only as friends. Again whatever. It is what it is.
My thesis is simply that people aren’t interested in me for some other unknown reason.
And 95% of the time I don’t care anymore…it’s just Fridays at 3AM sometimes it gets lonely.
I was widowed shortly after moving to a new city. I had a job that didn’t have an office in the city where I lived and which involved a lot of travel so I didn’t even have work buddies to look to. When I finally reached the point of wanting to reconnect with other human beings I went with what I knew. While doing my regular activities, I pushed myself to strike up conversations. Not trolling for dates, just connecting with folks. Eventually these contacts resulted in some friendships and since I had met these people doing activities we both enjoyed, common interests were already in place. I began meeting the friends of my new friends and eventually I had "people"again.
My point is that connecting with other humans can be hard work. But it is time and effort well spent. I remember well how bitterly lonely I was after I lost my husband and am relieved that I pushed myself to take control of my situation and ‘fix’ it. Don’t let yourself get stuck. It’s a miserable place to be…at 3 am or 3 pm.
Dating, of course, is a different animal and when things don’t click for you, it can beat you up. But having an interesting life full of activities and friends can help you relax about it. Plus, people are attracted to happy, interesting people, so the dating issue can often solve itself.
Well, there’s 95% of the solution for you right there.
There may not be a 100% solution to be found (and anyone who promises that there is, is lying), but . . . If you can find some non-negligible partial solution to your loneliness, go for it!
Here’s a specific suggestion which seems to have been partially (and significantly) worthwhile for me: Go for the adrenaline. What are you looking for on Friday nights at 3AM? Some excitement, yes?
So take up an adventure sport and get your adrenaline that way instead. Consider scuba diving. Or bungee jumping. Or, for maximal epinephrine, take up skydiving! Okay, it isn’t what you’re probably wanting on Friday nights at 3AM (for that, you might take up amateur astronomy). But the final 5% of the solution you’re looking for might be simply to quit beating your head against a brick wall, if you’ve finally decided that’s what you’re doing.
Here’s something a bit more specific: Take up an adventure sport that involves at least some degree of team effort. In particular, join a club of people that does this sport, rather than going to some commercial operator. That way, you’ll all take turns doing the planning, organizing, support activities, etc. If you do your sport at a commercial operator, a lot of that is done for you by paid staff, and you’ll just do your thing then go home.
I’ll tell a bit of my story as a specific example, to suggest what to look for: As I’ve mentioned in various other threads, I’ve taken up flying – I’m a student pilot, taking lessons now. Specifically, I’m learning to fly sailplanes. But I’m not doing this at a commercial glider school. I’m doing this with a club.
At a commercial school, you show up for your lesson or activity at the appointed time, then go home afterward. All the support work is done for you.
At a club, we take turns doing it all. We preflight the planes in the morning and get them all ready. We drive the golf carts to tow them to the flight line, while someone else walks the wing-tip. We push the gliders out onto the runway, and pull them back off when they land. We run the wing-tip when launching. Pilots and students alike are expected to show up an hour before our flights and stay an hour after to help with all these things. (I myself tend to stay all day, and I often show up even on days when I’m not flying.) We tie down the gliders at the end of the day and lock up the hangar, clubhouse, and make sure all the radios and batteries are on their chargers. We have work parties twice a year, in which we pull the wings off, wash wax buff and polish them, and put them all back together. We plan, organize, and conduct events. We load the glider onto their trailers to take them to events and drive them there. I myself, still a newbie here, am helping organize a sailplane regatta for the Memorial Day weekend. We have an annual awards banquet. Each glider has a crew chief, and we have a Board of Directors – all club members among themselves. We have NO paid staff. We have semi-volunteer instructors (all club members too) who offer lessons at a fraction of the commercial cost.
But mainly, we FLY GLIDERS, which is where the adrenaline is.
And a club environment is much less expensive than a commercial environment.
Now it remains true, nobody flies gliders on Friday nights at 3AM. But I’ve concluded that, if one can’t get one’s Recommended Daily Allowance of adrenaline at 3AM, it still goes a long way if you can get your fix when and where you can.
I suggest an adventure sport for that. Especially if you can get really all into it – it doesn’t work if you just go through the motions.
I suggest you consider it.
– /s/Senegoid
Hey Quasimodal I’m in exactly the same position as you and so I totally sympathise. But I think it’s also partially my choice which I only duly realised more recently. When I was in a relationship I often felt like I wanted to be single and even though I didn’t split with her I think that was a real factor in her splitting with me. It hurt like hell and I experience lows sometimes, but there are really great things about being single. The grass is often greener on the other side and I see lots of my friends in long term relationships suffering problems that I would not trade for anything. I’d quite like to get a dog though but alas I live in a small apartment and work full time so it would be too cruel a situation to put a dog in.
Senegoid comes up with some great ideas though. Get yourself a social hobby that you can be passionate about and you will at least find new friends. And new friends are always fun.
I’ll expand upon that just a bit more:
This thread, and not what you’d expect’s nearby similar thread, both seem to be well-populated with posters who likewise confess to being lonely. And whether explicit or not, there’s a barely disguised (and sometimes outrightly overt) undercurrent that we’re talking about being lonely as in, y’know, on Friday nights at 3AM.
My point being: It’s just adrenaline, folks, and there are alternative ways to get that, that can be a (partially adequate) substitute. I suggested adventure sports of various sorts, and outlined my own recent experience as an example. Not just for Quasimodal but for everyone in this and the other thread.
I’m pretty sure thats why alot of people go to dance clubs / social dance on the weekends. I know it helps me. But I only go to certain places…and dammit they are not open on Friday.
I’m not sure an adventure sport is really necessary to combat loneliness. Your description of the gliding club sounds like my curling club; active, social, and lots of ways to volunteer and help out. Not so much with the adrenaline, although we have had a couple injuries.
Hey everyone.
Guess what time it is?
Guess how I feel?
I’ll just go to sleep and reset the pattern I guess.
On another note…have been slightly putting myself out there with someone. But I always get the same result. I wish someone would let me care about them. I honestly feel this person is not out of my league or anything like that.
I’m sad and angry…I’m a pretty good problem solver. Except with this. It makes me sad thinking I’'m going to eventually die alone and lonely. I don’t think it’s my fault. I give my all every day. It makes me super angry actually…like wanting to just quit everything and move away so people miss me.
Sorry…one beer and I’m all emotional.
Have a nice night.
I mean, are you physically attractive? Because to be honest, that’s the #1 factor in dating success. Which is not to say you can’t make up for it if you’re not, but it’s really big.
I sort of feel like I’m somewhere in the middle. I have literally been told I’m good looking from people…I don’t know sometime if thats just friends etc just being kind or whatever. I’d guess I’m something like a 6-7. I’m fit, not overweight at all and have muscle tone (Like lean yoga muscle and strong legs from running). Also have excellent posture. But I carry weight in my cheeks and face which rounds that critical component out (not as square as I would like).
So yeah maybe 6-7ish.
I do have a goal after yoga training to bulk up a bit more (I want to do crossfit gymnastic oriented things)…but how much can I do here?
Also I dress well.
Ah shit…genetics suck.
I think the club sports thing has merit, if there’s something you’re interested in and you’re willing to try it. Sailing or crew or even a hiking group. Add some new people to the routine.
Other than that, all I can say is sometimes you find someone when you least expect it. I ran into my husband-to-be when someone closed the coat closet I had just used (my first day on a new job) and he was standing behind it in the hallway, waiting to get by. We were introduced and the rest is history. Leave yourself open to possibilities and don’t kick yourself too much until they arrive.
The plan is to begin switching things up over June, July August.
Ideas / plans:
Marathon Training (Confirmed…I might join a community running group)
Yoga training for the fall (So lots of classes there).
Less dance…more physical sports things. My friend is returning from Montreal. I’m going to try and form a Soccer team with him.
After yoga training I want to try cross fit or some weight lifting gymnastics oriented program. Something with a community vibe.
I bought a Nintendo Switch…weird i know in this mix…but social video games are good I feel.
Also I want to get back into swimming…damn thats alot. I have a trip to San Francisco planned as well.
Sounds like you have a lot going on. This is good. 
One other thought - it sounded like you were beating yourself up about your looks. IME, physically fit guys generally have a huge leg up on their less fit compatriots. I wonder if your lack of self confidence has more to do with striking out then your looks. That said, I don’t think the advice changes. Keep yourself busy. Put yourself out there, and be open to the unexpected. Try new things. The more people you meet, the better your odds. If you meet them doing something you like, all the better for you.
The only other thing I can think of is to try and take dating one date at a time. You clearly want a long term relationship. Nothing wrong with that. It’s a lot to take into a first date though. Clear your mind of the future and try to be in the present during your dates. That might take some of the pressure off and let you be more natural while you’re out.
Now, I need to take some of this excellent advice in this thread and apply to my own life. 
We recently moved and I need to make some friends in the area.
In terms of the looks thing…it’s just I know how picky people are…especially online. I have often had much better success in person when my personality and vibe gets to be showcased. I’m a smart positive energetic fun and friendly person. That stuff rarely comes across online in any meaningful way.
I’m fit and most people think I’m younger than 30 (I’m 34).
I shall press on, and hope some woman may consider that maybe… just maybe… my resume means I’m worthwhile. I’ve certainly gone after people below what I would consider beneath my league and have still been rejected. Yeesh. Sorry I’ll probably be grumpy all weekend.
I don’t mean this to sound rude but is it possible you are coming off needy or desperate. Based on all your hobbies and fitness level you sound like a catch!
If that’s the perception I don’t know what to do. I have a career, own my condo, take care of all of my own needs. I’m brave enough to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone far more than most anyone I know. So what gives? I’m not really asking. I just know there’s something there I likely can’t ever change. So I’ll keep doing my thing. I feel like I have every right to feel frustrated though. I mean I’m literally standing next to two mothers right now who complain about how their husbands refuse to come see their daughters dance. And I here I am a single male who would be more than supportive. What a world. I respect myself. And if others don’t, well not worth my time either. Just makes for a damn lonely life sometimes.
Hey thanks though, I know you have been following. It’s been awhile since
my last rant on this. But you know what I feel every so often a rant is deserved.
I am going to give you the only tip that I have found to have a fairly high success rate.
Bicycles. My wife and I can count 2 friends who have found marriage partners and a few successful dating relationships from this advice.
The **key **is going on group charity rides. This advice applies in the US of course, but I think translates.
These rides have several built in benefits.
1.You don’t have to know anybody or come with a friend. Even the smaller rides will have 20 or 30 people there (hopefully) and most people don’t know each other.
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You can easily check out how attracted you are to a person physically. I had to include this, you are looking for a relationship after all.
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Bike rides are golden opportunities for natural and unforced conversation.
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Charity rides will have riders of all abilities so you don’t have to be a great (or even good) rider.
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There is usually some sort of gathering afterwards, so if you connect with someone, a good chance to talk with them. If not, it’s fine to just leave.
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Inexpensive. You’ll get a workout and some snacks.
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In most medium sized communities and larger there will be at least one every weekend in warm weather.
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Everyone is generally an OK person. These rides don’t attract many heroin addicts. (not that there is anything wrong with that :D).
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They are fun, good for you, and support a charity.
I like this. I plan to try this with running and biking would be next.
All the advice, all the words of encouragement, all the support.
I don’t know “where”, so to speak, to put in my two cents.
I understand, Quasi. I’ve been there too.
I know there is more I want to say, but it all sounds trite, clichéd and repetitive when I type the words and then read them before posting.
On that note, the only advice I have is this;
Stop looking, but keep your eyes open for what (or who actually) comes along, and don’t let your expectations be dictated by silly romantic notions. Romance, yes, your future “other half” will need and want to feel special and desired and all that and romance is a huge part of how we show that, and a vital part of the relationship. However Life and Love are hard, cold and cruel and calculating also sometimes.