I was discussing this with someone today. In the past few months I’ve met a lot of new people through work and noticed with a number of them they immediately(more or less) rubbed me the wrong way.
And since then, pretty much every one of those people has gotten in trouble or is gone due to displinary action. Which vindicates these feelings, but I don’t know how to describe them. The closest thing that comes to mind is the cliche “Animals can sense evil” though that’s a flawed analogy.
Well, this is going to be difficult to discuss without being able to qualify things in a measurable way, but yes. I’ve met two people through work that I distinctly remember being deeply creeped out by. Nothing that I can describe in an adequate way, but with both people, I avoided them as much as possible. I don’t know if my gut instinct was right or wrong, but both employees were terminated. One, I would not be the least bit surprised to discover later that he was a serial killer. The ‘wrong’ vibes were very strong!
That being said, how many people who do horrid things, and it comes as a complete surprise to everyone who knows them? How many people just have poor social skills or are simply unpleasant, but would never harm anyone?
Still… I do think there’s some kind of gut instinct about people, but that it is not reliable.
I’m sure it doesn’t answer all (or perhaps even most) cases, but had you considered thngs like:
-Person has about them some innocent combination of characteristics that makes them appear ‘creepy’
-Above is perceived by many people, who adjust their social interaction with the person
-Unnatural social interaction from many peers causes them to try harder to fit in
-Trying harder to fit in makes them look desperate, or as if they’re trying to hide something…
-Repeat untill something breaks
I’ve definitely seen this kind of thing in interactions between two different people (and other cases where it was two subgroups of people that became cliques) in a group, where each of them was quite reasonable, but there was something about them that predisposed any interaction in either direction to be misunderstood - and once this starts, it just feeds on itself.
Alternatively sometimes people deliberately conspire, based on their ‘gut feelings’ to cause trouble for a newcomer that they collectively perceive as a misfit.
I understand what you mean. I always chalked it up to a form of workplace street smarts. After seeing people come and go for a few years you start seeing who the short timers are in short order. At my last job I was regularly groused at for not trying to give people more of a chance. Of course about 70% of the time I was right.
Your instincts are very real. They can’t be measured, but I can vouch for them, because in the past, when my instincts told me not to trust someone, they turned out ot be right.
Just a WAG on my part, but i always put this kind of thing down to subconcious awareness of subtle body language.
You know how experts can tell when people are lying just by watching their body language. I believe that most people have a similar ability it’s just at a subconsious level. They just know something isn’t right but they don’t know why.
It’s funny you mention this, because I was just having a conversation with my fiance about a lady and her husband who are acquaintances of mine who, although they are very nice, intelligent, and seem to like me well enough, I just don’t like them at all. Which makes me feel like a terrible person, because they really do seem like good people. So I keep trying to like them, but some part of me just screams out against it.
I had an experience with this recently. I met my boss’s husband when I first started my current job. From the very first meeting, the guy rubbed me the wrong way. Every time after that when I met him, I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn’t right with him. A short time later, I discovered that my boss’s husband was a registered sex offender. He had done time for attempted rape! :eek:
They got yelled at by the boss and you call them “evil?” Take a pill.
I said that qoute was the closest analogy I can think of, and I admit it’s flawed.
And this wasn’t just being yelled at. Those people are no longer around because they were caught doing things they weren’t supposed to.
I also wonder if some people are somewhat socially inept, but aren’t “wrong” in other ways, and they consquently have trouble keeping a job, making allies, fitting in with new people, etc.
My wife, though very friendly, social, and hardworking, has worked in situations where a person at her work seems to have taken an immediate dislike to her, and from then on out, the environment is tainted.
I’d say that women seem to be more disposed to snap judgements about new people, but I have only anecdotal observations, and not cites.
I’m not particularly good at office politics. I find my radar goes off with anyone who appears to be not genuine in the work place. Professionalism aside, anyone who seems like they would take someone out to get ahead sets off very loud bells in my head and raises the hair on the back of my neck. I suppose I’m reacting to the implied threat.
I’ve learned to trust my instincts in all situations - I’m rarely proven wrong. It’s that whole ‘first impressions’ thing. Even when I’ve worked hard to get past that first sense of distrust, I generally find there was “something” about the person that wasn’t trustworthy.
I’m not sure how relevant this is, but psychology students are trained to listen to more than people’s words. They are trained to listen to tone of voice and more. It almost seems like some strange form of ESP, but I am assured that there is nothing magical about it and anyone can learn to do it. My GF once described how when she was learning this, she and some fellow students to a woman who normally sounded very pleasant, but they all concluded that she must have been the most vile person in the world. As it turns out, she was talking kindly about her monster of a father, and it was coming out in the subtext of her voice.
The best analogy I could understand is that it’s like listening to the melody of a song while ignoring the words.
Perhaps if Hentor stops by this thread he can comment further.
There probably are lot of factors that our brains automatically analyze. Things like the way they look at you, the way they won’t look at you (which can be a sign of guilt), expressions on their faces, and maybe we even subconsciously read the micro-expressions on their faces. Also their stance, such as standing with arms folded in a confrontational manner, or crowding your personal space.
My stepmother has that sort of problem, she often doesn’t get along with co-workers after a few weeks. Something about her just rubs people the wrong way. She went through an abusive marriage in the past and now is overly cautious and defensive about things, and still has a lot of fears inside her. In addition though, she’s a bit agressive and overly nice, to the point of seeming fake.
We were standing in line in a store one time and she was teasing me in a good-natured way about something minor, and a person in line behind us actually told her (in a semi-serious way) to stop bothering me. We were both adults at the time, about the same size, and I’m a male, but something about my stepmother prompted this person to step in and verbally defend me. I always thought that was very weird.
I really can’t put a finger on what my wife does to garner these responses from people. She can seem standoffish when first meeting people (though she’s getting better), and people take this as bitchiness. I do notice that she occasionally does the same thing to others - gets a bad first impression and it doesn’t change easily. I usually have to remind her to give that person a chance - sometime people don’t communicate clearly in new situations, and that they probably don’t mean to say something “rudely”.
Is it a problem with knowing how to relate to new people? I seem to be able to get along well with people quickly, as I try to find common ground, appear interested in them, and try to be open about myself. I’ve rarely run into these situations - even if I don’t like the cut of someones jib, I withhold judgement until they do something to earn disdain.
It’s pretty relevent. I pay attention to everything about a person. Not just what they say but how they say it. How they carry themselves. How they act and talk and dress. What motivates them. And I’m a pretty good judge of character. Probably why I’m asked to interview people all the time.
Everything about a person is either something they are doing subconsciously or part of a decision. Why does a person dress in a flatering, trendy manner vs comfortible but sloppy? Was someone popular in school, just kind of normal with a regular group of friends or a social outcast? Did they grow up wealthy or poor? Does those experiences color their perceptions as an adult. Is their general disposition happy, neutral, bitter, melancholy? All these things and more combine to create an overal perception of a person.
The problem, however, is that we also have those various life experiences that color OUR perception. So there is a tendency to pidgeonhole people into the model of the world as we see it. Sloppy attire - lazy slob. High school cheerleader - vacuous snob…or outgoing and hyper-friendly. Poor family - uncouth and unsophisticated…or strong drive to exceed and better themselves.