Even if the woman doesn’t think the man she’s talking to is interested, she may wonder if he’s playing wingman for another guy. Mentioning her boyfriend could be meant to signal either “No, I won’t be interested in your friend no matter how cool you make him sound” or “Wait, you think I’m the ugly chick who has to be distracted while your buddy goes after my hot friend? Well, I’ve already got a boyfriend!”
There are also some women who just use their boyfriend as an excuse to brag. (Rather like Mrs. Elton in Emma, for all you Jane Austen fans.) “I’ve never sung professionally, but my BOYFRIEND thinks I should be on American Idol”, “My BOYFRIEND said I could be a model”, “I just write for fun, but my BOYFRIEND thinks my work is brilliant”, and so on. I remember a really obnoxious girl I knew in college who’d always be saying things like “My BOYFRIEND gave me this ring. It’s not silver, it’s WHITE GOLD. He says silver isn’t good enough for me.” And I’d be thinking “You mean you told him that silver wasn’t good enough for you, Princess Perfect.”
I had the ultimate awkward situation like this, where nobody even pretended to be subtle.
I was in about second year of university, and having some high-school nostalgia, having been reminiscing with my girlfriend about it. A girl the year below me had had a crush on me when I was in grade twelve. I thought “hey, she lives close to me, I should see what she’s up to,” with no serious memory of the fact that she’d once liked me.
So I get in touch.
Me: Hey, we live so close, we really ought to hang out some time!
Her: Uh, I have a boyfriend now.
Me: … And? I have a girlfriend.
The conversation ended in about two seconds, and she’s never spoken to me since. I laughed about it for weeks.
A strategy I’ve developed to avoid this (and to make myself feel like I have control of the conversation) is similar to what another few guys have done: I work in the “oh, your boyfriend must…” line fairly early. Of course, it’s obviously contrived unless you’re lucky.
An example is in my ballroom dance classes. If I’m dancing with a girl who seems amiable, before I’ll start flirting (it never leads anywhere), I usually ask something like “so, did your boyfriend sign up with you?” Since we rotate partners about every song, it’s perfectly plausible that their SO is in the class. Most of my friends in ballroom actually do sign up as couples, in fact.
I think that’s way more about being able to say “… and she emailed me out of the blue and said she had a crush on me waaaay back when. Of course, I told her about you and junior and how happy we are…” than trying to fend off your two decades of passion for him
How on earth is dropping “Yeah, my boyfriend likes that too” early in a conversation being offensive? It is the meekest, least confrontational way possible to signify that I’m not interested.
I may be being presumptuous, but I do get actively hit on a lot, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. There are a lot of guys out there playing the numbers game and asking out every woman they’ve had more than ten seconds of contact with – I once smiled at a fellow as I passed him, and he turned around and followed me two blocks to the train station, asking me three or four times if I’d like to go get a drink with him. In the past week, have been invited for a drink (or just into bed) by men I’ve chatted to in line at the supermarket, waiting for a bus, on the train, on the street, etc. That’s not because I’m so astonishingly attractive (I’m not), but because there are a lot of guys out there just playing the numbers game.
You’ve pulled that 95% figure out of your ass. I’m not being vain; this happens all the time and it’s very tiresome.
When I say, “Oh, I just saw that movie with my boyfriend! I loved the part where _______”, it weeds out the dudes who are just looking to score my number, and lets me enjoy the conversation with men who aren’t, without having to worry about when he’s going to drop the “so maybe we could get together sometime.” I’m not sure why you think being more confrontational would be less presumptuous. “Hey, just in case you were thinking about asking me out, I’m not interested, FYI. Anyway, you were saying?”
Yup, I have to back her up on this Alex, please see my post where I explain that even though I’m a rather ugly old granny, even I still get hit on. In the last few months I’ve had a young man insist that I was his type, and a guy on the bus state “I just got out of prison, will you marry me?” I"m serious as a heart attack!
Again, we don’t always know which guy is, or is not working himself up to hit on us (even we gnarly old grannies apparently), so like Tracy asks here, why exactly are you getting yourself all offended when a woman tries to be nice about it?
And you haven’t answered the question, what would you prefer in its place? And second, how is a woman supposed to know (remember you’re strangers at this point) whether you are a guy who wants the blunt truth only after you’ve hit on her, or if you’re like Rich, who’ll scream bloody murder about someone “leading him on” if you don’t forewarn him within 3 seconds of meeting him?
I feel so left out. I’ve only been hit on once that I’m aware of.
A guy had been coming into the bookstore where I worked and making conversation for some time. He was a geek and we talked about geek things.
After a month or so of knowing him, I mentioned, as I would to a friend, that I got engaged over the weekend and isn’t that exciting? His face fell he said “you have a boyfriend??” and he never came back to the bookstore again.
Sorry, Alex, it may be an annoying thing but the ladies have a point and I appreciate it. The key is, of course, how to work in the information in such a way that it segues naturally into the regular conversation. Heck, at my current life stage, by now a majority of the times someone’s relationship status gets brought up shortly after meeting it’s so plausible as something relevant to the conversation, that I’ll presume it to be so rather than any preemptive strike. And in any case it’s useful information when getting to know someone socially regardless of whether you’re interested or not.
X’actly – not every one of us guys is Captain Obvious and not every female has Mutant Insight Powers to “read” male conduct.
Were it truly the case that my boyfriend was Orlando Bloom, I would be opening every conversation with that information.
In reality, I probably do mention my husband too often…but it’s an evenly-applied verbal quirk. I think I just add more info than is needed. It’s not that I’m trying to head flirting off at the pass (I’m frankly not attractive enough that this is a concern in my life) it’s just that I think maybe my brain’s wired a little too closely to my mouth.
To be fair though, I also say stuff like, “Oh, roses! My mother loves them and has a heap in her garden - you’d love it!”, which is obviously not intended to indicate anything other than exactly what it says…
ppl keep mentioning the agressive guys, but noone replied when i asked if the boyfriend line stops them
but, like, it’s all about degree. i’m sure letting people know you’re taken is fine, but using it as a kneejerk against every less-than-desirable guy who looks at you, isn’t.
or i dunno. Maybe it’s a signal for hotflugwok to reexamine how he seems around women, and in general more honesty (and preemptive rejections) aren’t bad.
Out of the thousands of guys I’ve spoken to over the years (not dated, just spoken to at work and parties and such) two or three have persisted beyond “I have a boyfriend”. It’s not a line I use often, but it’s usually very effective. Others may have a different ratio, I can only speak for myself. I don’t mean it as a ‘knee-jerk against the less than desirables’, but an explanation that I am not available for dating.
There have been quite a few conversations where “my boyfriend” was a natural part of the conversation and not a preemptive rejection at all. Probably more than half.
Usually it heads it off, yes. If it doesn’t and they become overt and/or aggressive, it makes it easier to say firmly, “I’m not interested; go away and stop bothering me,” because they are then clearly acting inappropriately.
And, as I’ve said, it also works to filter out men who are only interested in chatting you up versus men who are actually interested in the conversation.
hotflungwok is probably unintentionally giving off flirtatious vibes, and I’d recommend asking his lady friends how to deal with this.
Back on page one - one guy asked a few followup questions.
In that case, it was different. He had actually asked me out and I replied with “I’m engaged” - he responded with “is it serious” - to which I answered “yeah, we are getting married!” and to which he responded “well, will you sleep with me anyway” (he was serious). Once I said no, then he gave up.
To give the guy credit, he married a friend of mine and their marriage was non-traditional (some variation of open). So its possible he wasn’t being aggressive, just that he had different possibilities in his relationship set.
Your examples of body language are good… but what if I’m interested in talking to a guy, but just in a friendly way? I find people interesting, and I might want to know more about them. Crossing my arms and turning away will tell him to back off… but it won’t work well for a friendly conversation.
What’s the body language cue for “You’re interesting, lets be friendly but nothing more?”
How is telling people to their face not “communicating like a normal animal”? Oh, I’m sorry, should I be grunting? Humans have words, you know, and I can use them.
I believe I said it for when people just don’t get it anyway. And you know what? Lots of people don’t get body language. Besides all that, I will continue to be nice and not rude, just because YOU think I should not smile. I prefer to be nice.
Oh, and I just found this (the thread that states 95% of signals are missed by men, so stop giving them)
So which is it? Signals work, or me can’t understand them?
But the bottom line is, whether or not men can understand signals, I don’t intend to have them be construed wrong. I hate games and will tell people how I feel (though almost always nicely.) If someone doesn’t like my directness, why then, we have just had another form of communication and found a difference between ourselves. So be it.
