To wax philosophically, that’s sort of what I was referring to. Smiling just to be nice is not natural animal communication, it’s a contrived human one. Sort of like a lie. You are giving off the wrong signals, and creating dissonance.
So, like, if you’re talking to someone and you don’t find them attractive or interesting, don’t smile. Things will sort themselves out. If you’re talking to someone and they’re fascinating you, then smile. You’re liking them. If they’re not much uglier than you, who knows, why mightn’t lead somewhere. You’re not totally shallow, right? (If they are hideous, chances are they’ll know better than to ask you out. If they’re hideous don’t smile too much.) Smile just as is appropriate for your level of fascination in them. If you already have a boyfriend, then stop looking so fascinated. Things will sort themselves out (unless the other person doesn’t play along, in which case be direct).
Flirting and body language are instinct’s miraculous dance that is meant to sort all of these things out. This is what I meant.
Their greatest chance of failure is when you try to be too nice, unmindful that the dance exists for a reason.
I would say there are various permutations. Girls that don’t smile unnecessarily and say they have a boyfriend when pressed. That lines up. Girls that are too friendly and later say they have a boyfriend. Those are teases. Girls that are very friendly then pull a contrived boyfriend line right away. Those are wtf. Girls that scowl and tell you they have a boyfriend right away. Those are bitches. So it’s this combination of the dance and the words and the thoughts. Etc (there’s more than I listd). And some of the combinations are natural, some misleading, some hurtful, some honest. Some just aren’t the way the dance should be played.
Look, all I’m saying is, don’t incongruously mention your boyfriend to every guy you meet. If they even notice it, they might get hurt like, “I wasn’t about to ask you out, but thanks for rejecting me.” I’m sure this is NOT what many women who use the boyfriend line are doing. I’m just saying it’s a matter of degree, and that it can be bad. Also, as a totally different topic, you shouldn’t go throwing around smiles and friendliness, it certainly helps you in life but that doesn’t make it appropriate. Don’t be surprised if guys take it as something else.
Goodness knows you don’t want to be FRIENDLY unless you are single and want to fuck a guy. :rolleyes: No wonder some guys are only nice to you if they think they can get in your pants–they think that’s the only reason to smile and be friendly, and it’d be giving off the wrong signals if you are nice to someone you are not ready and willing to fuck!
I’m thinking about getting a sign to wear around my neck similar to “dishes are dirty/dishes are clean” on the dishwasher. “I want to fuck you” and “get the hell away from me.” However, with my luck I’d be talking to six guys at once and really want to do just one of them and end up in some orgy.
I was skimming some other threads, trying to formulate a rational response and clue-by-four for Alex_Dubinsky but the responses in the red wine stain thread have conveinced me there’s no way our culture is ever going to stop blaming the woman. I’m just going to to go hide under the bed now.
I’m a generally cheerful person away from work, so I can say YES. When I’m having a crappy or uncheerful day, people occasionally order me to smile. It’s a nasty reminder that women only have value when they’re pretty.
And just as a reference on that smile thing, I have attended numerous conferences and talks on communication and it has been been reiterated that one of the most effective tools to engage the other party, be it that you wish to instruct, persuade, inspire, or establish a harmonious interaction, is the “open” facial expression of someone who is interested and cares about what is being said. OTOH the same consultants say don’t put on an outright phony smile, because people who count will know better; and that the “neutral”, lifeless body-language ( “That is the face you’ll display at the open-casket funeral” – Arch Lustberg) often rubs people the wrong way as much as the outright hostile, rejecting expression. So the smiling person can just be waiting to hear if you have anything worthwhile to communicate (which is not necessarily in a sexual/romantic vein; maybe the person is fishing for some insight on this workplace’s dynamics, or really IS interested in your opinion about Frank Gehry buildings).
Speaking as a guy, I prefer it if a woman uses the “I have a boyfriend” (or some version of that) early on in the conversation. Let’s me know what’s up without me having to stick my neck out. It’s certainly better than the women who have have been flirty and chatty and and only later mention him. This has happened a couple of times, and in both cases the boyfriend did exist. These two women just wanted to be entertained or something. Thankfully most women do not behave like this.
And man, some of you guys are nuts. There are a number of posts here that have me shaking my head. Some of you apparently never got the memo that women are human beings too. Yeah, dating sucks. Trying to figure out if someone does like you in THAT way can be tough. But goddamn it, MAN UP already. Yeah, it’s hard. That’s life. And I’m saying this as someone who is fairly clueless about picking up body language sometimes.
And to the female dopers in this thread, there is no point in talking to some of these guys. They have a martyr complex or something, and their problems are all the fault of women. All you are going to get is frustration.
