Female Dopers, your opinion, please

In My Humble Opinion
61

Again, speaking only for myself, I think the age of the woman makes more difference than the age of the man.

Older women are much less likely to feel threatened by that sort of attention, and much less conflicted about their own attractiveness.

I’m probably going to catch all sorts of shit for this, but frankly, the thing with very young women is that their natural instinct to present themselves as desirable is at war with all the “evil, objectifying, male gaze” crap that their Wymyns Studies class has filled their heads with*, not to mention all the “stranger danger” and “boys only want one thing” crap they’ve all-too-often heard all their lives. Older women who’ve done their own lusting and objectifying have reconciled this in their minds. We understand that there really is a difference between “objectifying” and “dehumanizing”.

Also, in purely practical terms, the world is a much bigger and scarier place when you’re twenty than when you’re forty. A twenty year old can have very good reason to feel threatened by a forty year old, because there is a palpable imbalance of power and experience there. A twenty year old is still figuring out how she feels about herself, and other people still have input. At forty, I’ll take my "hey beautiful!"s from anyone between the ages of 18 and death and smile about it. It’s a fleeting comment, not a measure of my personal worth, nothing I have to try to integrate into my opinion of myself.

*Disclaimer - I am a steadfast feminist, but I object to the villification of men, and I’ve heard way too much of it from that sort of venue.

62

I’ll take your “hey beautiful” and raise you “I yearn to tell you how your luminous beauty makes me ache.”

Do you find one of these creepy?

63

As I already said, yes. That is creepy.

64

I can’t be the only Doper this has ever actually happened to, can I?

About two years ago, I was pumping gas and talking to a friend on a cellphone. I laughed at something she said, told her I loved her, and ended the call. The man on the other side of the pump came forward a little bit, and said, “I just had to tell you that you are absolutely beautiful, and you just made my day.”

Was he hitting on me? Yes. He asked if he could have my number, and I declined. He then offered me his number. I accepted but told him I wasn’t dating. I kept the card in my car for months, and every time I looked at it, I remembered that moment and smiled.

There are some of us who never get told we’re beautiful - at least not by anyone other than our parents. To be told that I am beautiful, out of the blue, by a man who wasn’t looking for anything more than maybe a date, and that, because he really did think I was beautiful? Wow. Made my day.

65

I agree with just about everything that you said. I consider myself to be a feminist but for me that means that I have the same civil rights and can do whatever kind of work that I want and make the same money as a man does for the same job. I’ve always been able to do that. It seems hypocritical for me to dress as attractively as I can and appreciate handsome men but then get all huffy when men notice or comment on my appearance. It’s nice to be complimented in a non-creepy way as long as they don’t start following me around.

The one exception for me is when men in their 20s comment on my looks. It isn’t that it’s creepy but I have a hard time imagining that anyone that age is interested in looking at someone my age at all and it makes me wonder why they said it. I mostly just hope that I haven’t reached the age where young men say sweet things just to be nice to old ladies.

66

To the OP, I wouldn’t do it, for all the reasons already stated. Bound to be misinterpreted/resented 90%+ of the time, esp. given the age difference. I’ve noticed some lovely young women in my day (and they seem to be getting younger all the time) but believe discretion is far more often than not the better part of (romantic or aesthetic) valor.

On the other hand… my sister, who has a great figure, was walking down an airport concourse one day years ago when she noticed a man about her age approaching her from the other direction. As they drew closer, she noticed that he had a big smile. She wondered if she knew the guy and he recognized her, but came up blank. As he came within earshot he said cheerfully, “Nice rack!” and kept on walking without another word.

She still tells that story with a mix of astonishment and pleasure.

67

I have said, on the occasion of seeing an absolutely gorgeous man, a very quiet, low voiced “wow” as I passed them. They seem to get it.

It would absolutely make my day if someone were to tell me I looked good. And, I believe, as we get older, we get wiser - wise enough to figure out how to pass along a compliment in a non-creepy way.

68

It would be slightly less creepy, but still irksome, if it were someone my age. It’s not logical, but it’s culturally less gross for a 25-year-old to be undressing me with his eyes than someone old enough to be my father. But the 25-year-old would probably get a few harsh words as well.

Also, I’m really a very far distance from being a man-hating Womyn. My objection comes from someone using me for sexual gratification without my consent (creepy) and then commenting on it (even creepier). It has nothing to do with gender or equality, and I’d be just as pissed if a woman did the same to me. I loathe radical feminism - if you want equality, stop asking for extra privileges and protection.

69

It depends. I think what DianaG said makes sense - when I was traveling in Europe by myself at the age of 20, I was somewhat terrified whenever I was approached by a strange man with a compliment/request for a date/marriage proposal (not exaggerating). It was my first time travelling alone and I was extremely paranoid about everything. I’m less jumpy about it now.

Some men do manage to be flattering without being creepy at all. I don’t think it has anything to do with the guy’s age, although I think I was most creeped out by guys who were about 20-30 years older than me - outside of my dating range, but not old enough to be grandfatherly. It mostly depended on the way they complimented me though. I had one guy follow me down the street in his car for a few blocks after I refused to give him my number or take his. THAT was creepy, especially since it was at night and I was living in Hyde Park at the time. On the other hand, I’ve had elderly men stop to compliment me quite graciously and then go their way after that. That always makes me feel great. :slight_smile: Not creeped out at all.

70

Wow, what put that huge chip on your shoulder? Seriously, that’s a horrible attitude.

Once, many years ago, I walked into a fudge shop in Virginia City, Nevada. The woman working behind the counter was pretty. Not gorgeous, drop-dead-model-beautiful, but just really pretty in a kind of down-to-Earth way (sorry, I’m not very good at putting this sort of thing into words). I’m a terrible judge of age, so all I can say is that she was probably within five or ten years of my own age.

I was completely single at the time, but had no particular desire to “pick her up” or anything. Still, after walking around the store for a few minutes, I felt compelled to say, “I just have to tell you that you are really beautiful.” She looked a bit surprised and said something like, “Really?” It’s been a long time, so I don’t remember the specifics of the conversation, but it came out that she was almost never told she was beautiful, and she was married (I do remember saying, “You should tell your husband that he’s a lucky man”, and she, after a pause, said, “Maybe I will.”). I also remember, as I actually ordered some fudge, that she said, “I can’t stop smiling!”.

I walked out of that shop feeling pretty good. It was obvious that she really appreciated what I’d said. I’ve never seen her again, but I hold that memory dearly, and I am forever happy that I worked up the courage (and trust me, it took a lot) to just say that one simple compliment.

For the women here who would be creeped out, is it just because of the age difference? So a man near your age complimenting you is rebuffed because you assume he’s trying to pick you up, and a man twenty years older complimenting you is kicked in the nads because he’s creepy? I guess men just can’t win, huh?

71

But if you automatically assume that the motive is sexual gratification rather than just admiriing the sight of someone beautiful, then you might be closer to man-hating womyn than you think.

I’m with** Diana G** on this, and maybe it’s because we’re close to the same age. Also, I live in a city heavily populated by college students and recent grads. Compared to them, I am old and invisible, if not downright attractive. Someone telling me I’m beautiful (in a quietly admiring way, mind you—no need to resort to astroboy’s whipping it out suggestion( would lift my spirits tremendously.

72

I really don’t see how there can be a meaningful difference. We find people attractive because we have a desire to procreate with them, not because of some innate human appreciation for some woo-woo concept of “natural beauty”.

ETA: Also, there’s a difference between ‘hitting on someone in a situation where such a thing is natural’ (eg, out at a bar on Friday night) and ‘walking up to random people in the street and hitting on them’.

73

I don’t know, you guys keep saying it’s not about sex, but how come none of you are going up to really attractive old ladies, or little boys or well groomed moose?

Also, what is the reaction when girls don’t respond? Mostly I just ignore that kind of attention, except for when the guys offering it to me are also offering cupcakes. It’s creepy when they start talking about date rape, though.

74

I’d be mildly creeped regardless of age, because it would be (from my perspective) socially inappropriate; not because it’s inappropriate to think someone is attractive, but that randomly telling them so is potentially intrusive.

There are times and places where you are trying to be attractive, maybe trying to provoke a “you’re so beautiful” response. The rest of the time, if I’m walking to work or grocery shopping or otherwise dealing with my life, I’m not expecting to be appraised by others on my beauty or lack thereof, and if you are going to do that anyway I’d rather not know about it, thankyouverymuch, because by commenting on it you are deliberately drawing my attention to the fact that you are doing such an appraisal, and that, not the appraisal itself, is the creepy part of the scenario.

Now admittedly I’m no great shakes in the looks department, and in the last decade or so I’ve only gotten spontaneous expressions of admiration from drunk, mentally disturbed and/or homeless men, but if I were still 20-something and had ever been luminously beautiful I think I’d feel the same.

JRB

75

Also, this. If “admiriing the sight of someone beautiful” (sic) only happens when the admired person is an attractive young woman, it’s not just an intellectual aesthetic response. I’d be a lot happier with Soul Brother Number Two’s claim of disinterested altruism if his admiration also extended to beautiful men, beautiful children, beautiful old people and other non-potential-sex-partners.

JRB

76

Not true. You can (and in fact automatically do) judge the attractiveness of persons with whom you cannot reproduce, including your own sex, children, and old people whose reproductive days are over. Prepubertal children, down to infants, identify people as attractive or not based on pretty much the same criteria used by adults. There are certain traits that are highly correlated with attractiveness across age, sex and culture and which do in fact add up to a standard of “natural beauty”.

JRB

77

That’s just plain silly. I find plenty of people beautiful without wanting to have sex with them. And even if I DID want to have sex with them, so what?

I don’t understand thinking that someone wanting to have sex with you is insulting or threatening. You’re not obliged to do anything about it. It doesn’t impact you at all.

78

I think my 14 month old son is beautiful and I assure you , I have no desire to procreate with him. And for what it’s worth it’s not just a parent thinking their child is attractive. I am constantly told by complete strangers how gorgeous he is.

I think of it kind of like cheering for your hometeam when they score a touchdown, or win the world series. It elicits an emotion within you and you are moved to verbalize it. Imagine what sporting events would be like if everyone just kept their feelings to themselves.

79

My standard procedure with beautiful women is to non-threateningly smile (more like a half-non-leering-grin), briefly look them in the eyes and, if they’re looking at me, either give them a friendly nod or say Hi. Or sometimes good morning (if it’s the morning). I’ve taken great care over the years to be able to smile without apparent guile, and if it’s ever been taken as anything other than smiling at a stranger as we pass on the street, it’s never gotten back to me.

In fact, I get a kick out of it, because another person, for just a second or two, received a quantum unit of friendliness from me, considered the fact that I was another person existing in their reality, and (usually) decided to flash me a smile back.

This works, people. You can cause two people to smile for one or two seconds, for no reason other than that you wanted to spread a smile.

Telling them they’re beautiful: probably not a good idea. Many more downsides than upsides, the main downside being that you’re as likely to scare them as compliment them. I know how you feel, though. In what I believe is a non-sexual sense, I sometimes encounter women with beautiful, ethereal faces that just knock me senseless for a split second or two. My opinion: just a random nice thing the universe presented me with that day.

Having said that, though, I don’t believe I’ve ever been told I was handsome, and would be totally bewildered if I received such a compliment. My several SO’s over the years either didn’t ever talk about my looks or occasionally made off-hand comments that I didn’t look all that bad.

ETA: Of course, I cover up my shallowness by smiling and greeting most women and men I pass on the street. No sense frowning at them.

80

Well, it does if they say something, which was the point of the OP.

And even if they don’t - that’s not why I’m out in public. I’m out in public because I’m going to work, or picking up grocery stores, or enjoying a cup of coffee. I’m not there for you to fantasize about or appreciate or anything like that. As I said, if I’m out flirting at a bar, sure, it’s a reasonable assumption that those thoughts, and actions, would be acceptable. If I’m out at the mall, then it’s just creepy.

Seriously, do normal, well-adjusted people really even have thoughts like that? I have never in my life seen a stranger and had the slightest desire to comment on their beauty, nor to have some weird fantasy about taking them to bed. That just seems unbalanced and intrusive to me.

Then again, if you don’t say anything, I’d have no way of knowing you’re thinking any thoughts about me, so I suppose it’s a fairly moot point.