Hello, here is my situation. Am in my early forties, twice divorced. Got married the first time right out of high school; that wife was serially unfaithful and left without warning when our daughter was five and I was unable to see my baby girl for years. Got remarried at 25. Second wife was erratic in different ways and always seemed unhappy no matter what I did, and when I asked her one day how I could help her she said that I had never ever understood her and never ever would. I left her, which was probably a good idea, but I admit it resulted in me not trusting my judgment about women. Been single since I was 30.
Couple years back I reconnnected with a friend from college. She was living out of the country then. Night after we saw each other she send me a friend request on facebook and we started talking that way pretty much every day. Maybe six months ago she told me she was returning home but asked me not to tell anyone else because her reasons were embarrassing. Since she came back we’ve seen each other at least once a week and sometimes two or three times. Saturday we spent the day together supposedly bc she wanted help shopping for a car but we spent as much time just talking about things like what we’re interested in relationships and so forth (we are both looking for similar things btw) and during the day we bumped into a friend from our church who mentioned a Valentine’s Day dance the church is throwing and she said, “Oh, Chris, we just have to go to that.”
Sounds romantic, right? But the thing is her body language doesn’t seem all that sexually aware of whatever around me. That is when I was first with the wives I could always see how they would loosen up and get more physically inviting as they grew attracted, like coming closer while we walked and being more touchy-feely and so forth. My friend isn’t doing that. Like I said the bad marriages make me worry about my judgment when it comes to women.
Forgot to say so above, but yes I am very attracted to my friend. Think I will call her Ann from now on. Anyway I am attracted to Ann but the friendship is important to me and I don’t want to screw it up by making a move if she is just thinking of me as a platonic friend.
Sorry this was so long. Can anybody give me any thoughts?
By language.
Actual language, the kind with words in. That Hollywood nonsense about the hint of romance killing friendship forever is just that: nonsense.
(But for this guy’s money, it sounds a lot like you’ve been Friend Zoned TBH)
You are right to be hesitant, and take your time. However, don’t read too much into this “lack of body language.” For one thing, she could be hesitant about men for similar reasons. Continue talking to her and proceeding as you have been. Go to the dance. See what happens.
Am I going to get in trouble for saying this? I kind of wonder. Let me try anyway–
What I’m reading from the situation is that your first two wives were strongly sexually motivated when you met them. Agatha Christie would have called them Man Mad. Since things ended badly, you can say they were The Crazy. In any case, neither one of them was a settled, mature woman with a handle on what she wanted out of life at the time you were married to them. Women like this are more likely to behave in overtly sexual ways.
Ann might be settled. She might be wise and at peace with herself. This might be why she isn’t behaving in a “sexually aware” way around you. And that’s my first interpretation of the situation… you’re expecting a woman interested in you to act like your crazy wives.
On the other hand, she’s just had a major upheaval in her life and probably wants to settle for a while before getting entangled with somebody new. She very well might be enjoying male companionship without the pressure of sexual expectations. If I were you I’d let it go a couple more months–and she’d probably like it to go six more months–before that comes into play.
Disagree about romance killing friendship being a hollywood thing. Seen it happen with me. It can make things very awkward if one person wants more than the other one does and a lot of the time people just decide it’s easier to stop calling and taking calls and whatever.
Understand why you read my first post that way but I did not call my daughter’s mother crazy. Please do not do that. She is my daughter’s mother and it bothers me. Thank you.
Seconded. Every time a male friend has gotten moony-eyed around me, I’ve been done with him. Partly because I don’t foresee him ever giving up and partly because they get angry when their pride is hurt.
It’s good that you’re paying to her body language, because in my experience, it’s a better indicator of true feelings than the words coming from a person’s mouth.
Her true feelings may not be negative towards you, though; she could be apprehensive for reasons that have nothing to do with you personally.
Take it slow. Don’t pressure her in anyway. Follow her lead. Let her initiate sometimes.
Actually she initiates a lot more than me. Practically every time we go out it’s her inviting me and if I ever say anything like, “Well, that’s not the best time for me,” she’s superquick to change the schedule and will basically say she is willing to accommodate me no matter what.
I think she’s probably very comfortable with you, but not necessarily sure where she wants it to go. The fact that she seeks out your company and suggests things to do all the time indicates that she wants to spend time with you, and given as you’ve had talks about relationships, she might still be sizing you up to see whether she wants to go down that path. Since she’s just recently moved and probably has a lot going on with her life, I get the sense she’s just going to give it a bit more time before deciding either way whether she wants you as a friend or more.
She wants to go to a Valentine’s Day dance with you. She isn’t oblivious to the undertones of that; she knows there’s a romantic connotation. I say that you agree to go to the dance and use that event to see whether she might want to go a bit further. Dress up nice, get a bouquet of grocery-store flowers (not roses), pick her up, drive her to the dance… be a perfect gentleman and see where it goes. I think if she’s thinking she wants more from you, she’d take that as a great sign that you are open to it, but not necessarily pushing too hard. At the least, you made Valentine’s Day a little romantic and fun for a couple of single people. At the most… well, you can let us know if you slept in separate beds or not
The fact that she initiates is an excellent non-verbal indicator that she likes you. Perhaps her body language isn’t sexual because she’s not picking up sexual cues from you? If you’re going out of your way to hold back the flirtiness, it could be that she’s simply responding in kind. So you might need to loosen up and test the waters a bit. Try complimenting her in a way that a platonic friend wouldn’t. If she smiles and blushes, she probably likes you. If she says “thanks”, fidgets nervously as the crickets chirp, and then blankly looks off into the distance as if mentally saying “Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into with this guy”, then she just wants to be friends.
Or try touching her in an affectionate but non-provocative way. See what happen. When women like men, they rarely flinch or become rigid in response to contact from them. They usually accomodate it and then reciprocate it.
