I like the idea of my wife taking my name as much as the next sexist pig. But my first wife
Married me and took my name
Then divorced me and took her maiden name back
Then remarried and took her second husband’s name
Then divorced him and took her maiden name back
Then re-remarried and took her third husband’s name
Then divorced him and took her maiden name back
Then re-re-remarried and took her FOURTH husband’s name
And divorced him and took her maiden name back.
Huh? A brand new poster registers and goes straight to In My Humble Opinion to post a complicated story about romance, asking for advice on an issue sure to be hot-button, and you’re suspicious? WHAAAAAAAAT?
I have a male friend who never liked his last name, so he took the opportunity of his marriage to change it. His wife didn’t really want to keep her name, either. They ended up going with his mother’s maiden name, which they both liked.
This is the 21st century. If he insists that you take his name and won’t let up, he and you have a problem. The question of the last name for kids–it’s a red herring. Kids have hyphenated names all over the place. If he doesn’t enter the 21st century, dump him.
I have a friend (of the family) that hyphenated her last name and gave her kids their middle name (probably helped that her two sons didn’t end up with an overly feminine middle name). In any case, by the time I met her she had long since been married and while I’ve always known her, for whatever reason as Mrs Smith, she *always introduces herself as “Mrs Klein-Smith”. The kids being John Klein Smith etc.
There’s there a few Indian(?) people that I know that go a step further where the husband keeps his last name and the wife attaches it to the end of hers. In essences created a new name. In the above case, she would become Mrs Smithklein. That one always seemed a bit clunky. The husband and wife I know, for years, I had no idea that they were married (not that it mattered in the least), until someone told me about that. It’s far too late for me to dig up a cite, I just happen to know one couple that did this and that’s how it was explained to me.
This is the umpteenth time I’ve posted this, but one of my favorite comments on the subject was made by a guest on NPR over 25 years ago: “Why on earth would you change your name? You’re getting married, not joining a witness protection program!”
I have a friend whose husband took her name when they married. Their children have his name.
I got pushback from my MIL about keeping my name but I held strong in reminding myself she’s from the generation where a woman’s greatest achievement was raising a family and putting dinner on the table for her hardworking husband. The OP hasn’t stated similar about her fiance, but I’m wondering…if he comes from a similar-thinking family, that’s where this particular issue is coming from.
The OP seems to be long gone. Oh, well. It’s an interesting discussion nonetheless.
I’m still surprised that so many women change their names when they get married. I never, ever considered doing so. Why on earth should I? It’s my name, it’s always been my name, and marriage hasn’t altered that in any way. I would have run a mile from any man who thought he had the right to insist on such a fundamental issue. As others have pointed out, he can change his name if he chooses. But to impose such a condition on someone else is absurd.
I agree that imposing a condition is beyond the pale, but most women still change their last name to their husband’s. I find it surprising that you never considered doing so (not saying I don’t believe you, just that it seems quite unusual to not consider it).
I thought I would be able to find good statistics on it, but instead just found several studies and non-rigorous articles about it. But depending on the source, it appears that 70 to 90 percent of women change their names to match their new husband’s last name. The percentage has varied up and down a little, but has basically been similar since the 1970s. So, it’s still customary, although keeping the maiden name is not unusual, either.
Nope, never considered it for a moment. My mother did change her name, in part as a way to distance herself from her absent and feckless father. But I remember when my aunt got married (I would have been about 7 years old) and she kept her name. That made a big impression on me. I also never wanted a proposal, an engagement ring, or a wedding with all the trappings (a wedding gown, giving away the bride, etc.). We had a simple civil ceremony which was just what we wanted and actually quite lovely.