I call bullshit on that. It IS about power. You’re asking someone to change a fundamental part of their identity, their name, and I doubt you would consider doing the same for an instant.
Nor are women who keep their name all one “type” - you’re making assumptions right there, that it’s only one “type” of women who would do that rather than different women having different reasons for not doing this.
Here’s the deal. I really, really like my last name. I’ve always really liked it. I don’t like my first name, in particular, nor feel attached to it. It doesn’t fit my personality. At least half of my friends call me by my last name. A thousand students and former students know me by my last name.
So I can’t understand why you’d want me to give that up, or think of it as me “putting up a stink”. It’s my name. It’s what I call myself. It’s how I’ve signed my name for decades.
So keep it if that’s what you want. It’s your decision.
It’s not about power because I wouldn’t ask her to change her name. You wouldn’t know it by reading this thread, but most women I’ve met want to change it and that choice is completely independent of the man’s desires.
I did, and I will. But I was responding specifically to someone who said it would be an absolute dealbreaker–that no matter how I feel about my name, if I want to keep it, I’m “raising a stink”.
I always thought I would never want to marry a woman who wanted to change her name. Always struck me as a stupid tradition. I would respect a woman who would “put up a stink” about such a thing. However, when I met my current wife she had her ex-husband’s last name and was more than eager to switch to mine. She considered switching back to her maiden name, but hadn’t used it in 25 years and opted for my name.
Well, poo. :mad:
So, you thought you would eliminate 70 to 90 percent of women? Because that’s how many still change their last name to match their husband’s. It’s still customary in the US. Not universal, by any means, but still customary.
Yes. I easily eliminate that percentage for a variety of reasons.
Not to hijack here, but I also wouldn’t marry a woman who was religious, and that has to be about the same percentage.
Not to mention that a decent fraction of them change their name because the guy wants them to. If he doesn’t, that’s probably another ten or twenty percent right there.
Fair enough. I just don’t see this as an elimination thing either way. I suppose I would eliminate those who are most strident on either end of the spectrum.
But you also said you wouldn’t marry a woman unless she would change her name. So, basically, even if you’d never ask you are still making it a no-compromise part of marriage.
Once again repeating a story I’ve told many times:
When my husband and I got engaged (in 1981), the subject of future last names came up. I began by saying I had always wanted to keep my own name. My wonderful husband-to-be said, to his ever-lasting credit, “You know, what you do with your name is entirely up to you - keep your original name, take mine…this decision is for you to make, because you are the one who lives with it. Having said that, I can’t imagine myself falling in love with a woman who would not want to keep her own name.”
We’ve been happily married for over 35 years now, and his awesome statement still brings tears to my eyes and fills me with love and respect for him.
What about a woman who genuinely doesn’t like her own name? What if it’s something that people find amusing (Ima Hogg?) or just impossible to spell? My name isn’t terrible, but it’s terribly long. I’ve always said that I would be thrilled to take my husband’s name, as long as it’s shorter than mine. I know a woman who went from 4 letters to 12 when she took her husband’s name. I would never have done that, but I would do the reverse in a heartbeat.
Jeez, did you bother to read the part where my husband said,** “You know, what you do with your name is entirely up to you - keep your original name, take mine…this decision is for you to make, because you are the one who lives with it”?**
Or did you just jump in with an antagonistic response because somehow, the thought of a woman keeping her own name is somehow upsetting to you?
Look, for me the idea of changing my name upon marriage is anathema. But I would never pretend to speak for everyone, and my husband wouldn’t either. You hate your name? How sad for you, but if if helps you to get married to have an excuse to change it, it’s none of my business, go right ahead. (Of course, you don’t have to marry to have permission to change your name, but since I do give credit to most women for having a brain or two, I’ll leave it to them to evaluate that assertion and whether or not it applies to their individual circumstances.)
You wouldn’t ask her to change her name… but you also wouldn’t marry her if she didn’t?
So, like, you get engaged, go down to the county clerk to register your marriage, and when she writes down, “Jane Maidenname” on the license, you turn to her and say, “It’s over”?
I assume that he’d ascertain her feelings on the matter well before that point. Everyone has their deal breakers and some of those are seemingly silly. It’s reasonable to assume that they’d have that discussion prior to the engagement.
I don’t think it would be a deal-breaker, per se, I’m sure in certain situations I would understand and be fine with my fiance not wanting to change her name. It’s not a hill I’d choose to die on. Having said that, If I had to randomly pick a wife from a group of women who didn’t want to change their name and a group that did, I’d have a lot more luck finding a good match in the later group. It’s just my personal preference to marry a woman who prefers to fill a more traditional wife role, and keeping the last name is a signal that a woman doesn’t want to do that. Nothing wrong with that decision, it’s just not for me.
Wow. You completely misread my tone there. I just meant to suggest, from personal experience, some reasons why someone might want to take their husband’s name other than tradition or bowing to his wishes. I’m sorry I came off as antagonistic. I have no problem at all with women keeping their own name, or any of the myriad other options discussed in this thread.
I know the OP was a fraud and has left the building. With luck forever. Banning’s too good for folks like that.
Ref Cheesesteak and bolding mine.
My wife’s maiden name was a long ethnic mouthful and not easy to spell or to sound out. So a few years before we married she legally changed it to something short & simple. Her traditionalist mother was appalled.
Then she married me and chose to take my last name. Which name is rare, but not weird or hard to say or spell. Her Mom was very happy she chose that traditional route and erased the earlier abomination of her self-chosen name. I didn’t care in the slightest; my wife’s name is her choice, not mine.
Shortly after the wedding Mom wrote a letter to her daughter. Addressed to “Mrs. HusbandFirstName HusbandLastName”.
My wife’s comment: “My own Mom has reduced my identity to a lower case ‘s’, the same as every other married woman in the country. No wonder I can’t get along with her.”
I’m sure Mom had a real thrill writing her daughter’s name like that. As if being reduced to “s” was the high point in a woman’s life.
She’s a sweet old thing, but her social attitudes date from the 1850s even though she was born 75 years later.