So the wife has gotten herself into a bind at work (I agree–multiple bosses is very bad); she complains to you and others about it incessantly; she gets good advice from you and others; but at the same time she refuses to actually do anything to remedy the situation.
That’s a completely different situation from what you first described. And yes, I would be driven nuts by it too. (More accurately, I have been driven nuts by it too, in the past.)
I don’t have any quick solutions for you, except what Wring said: Tell her, “I’ve already given you my best advice.”
If it continues and negatively impacts your marriage, take it to a marriage counselor. She should be made to see how harmful it can be to take work problems home and bitch about them to the spouse. Maybe then she will see the importance of implementing a solution to her problems at work rather than taking them home and dumping them on the spouse.
Thanks much, guys. (struuter – how did I know you were gonna have something to add to this? :-))
I really think the whole situation will be resolved one way or another by January. Either she’ll decide she doesn’t wanna work with the shithead marketing guy (he really irritates her now) or she’ll decide she can handle him. I’m not really worried about him anymore (although I would love to dip him slowly in hydrochloric acid); I think she sees what he is now.
Two things keep hurting, though: 1) Seeing my wife being treated like this by a company and being powerless to help, and 2) Providing the same advice over and over without it being taken. Either use my advice and see what happens, or quit asking for it.
I need to communicate with her better, obviously. Maybe I’m not conveying my frustration to her. Maybe I need to listen to her more closely. I don’t know.
Not to engage in pop psychology (for which my only qualification is that I occasionally drink pop), but this sounds like what they described way back in Psych 101 as “the classic male/female communication problem.” Make what you will of the theory, but it goes something like this: Men want to discuss problems with an eye towards solving them, and therefore want to recommend concrete suggestions, and then are prone to becoming frustrated if those concrete suggestions are not taken. Women, unlike men, sometimes just want to talk about their problems, not necessarily to have them solved, but merely to acknowledge them and maybe, through talking about them start to arrive at a course of action (or maybe not, depending on the situation).
Now, without knowing the true situation, might this be accurate in your case? It sounds to me like maybe your wife just wants you to understand and acknowledge the difficulties she’s facing at work, while you – quite naturally – want to help her solve them. I think you are obviously well-intentioned, but maybe the help you assume she wants (concrete suggestions) is not really the help she really wants (general support and reinforcment regarding her worth).
That said, at some point it does become aggravating for all of us (regardless of sex) to listen to someone complain about their problems but do nothing to try to solve them. In that case, I think you would be entirely justified in saying, basically, “It’s really starting to bother me that you have these issues at work but don’t seem willing to address them. It’s also bothering me that you repeatedly ask for my advice but don’t take it, which makes me feel like you don’t value it. Now, I really want you to make your own decisions, so I won’t be mad regardless of whether you take my advice or not, but if you’re not going to take it, I wish you’d quit asking for it. Your work situation hasn’t changed; you already know what I think.”
Excellent points, Jodi. I do have a tendency to try to solve, as opposed to just listen to, my wife’s problems. Fortunately, she has pointed this out to me in the past, and now I (usually) am careful not to offer suggestions unless she asks for my help or guidance.
In this case, she has specifically asked for advice many times, and I’ve given her basically the same answer. Thus far, no effect. But I hold out hope.
Stealing liberally from some of the other posts in this thread, let me suggest the following:
As for item 1, I think Struuter addressed this best: “She knows what she needs to do. She just needs the motivation. You can only give her so much–she’s got to do this on her own. And own whatever comes of it.” It sounds like it’s time to back off a little bit and realize that you’ve already provided all the help you can or should. In other words, you have to de-invest some of your own emotional energy in her problems. You have already listened to her fairly and provided good advice, and now it’s time for both of you to realize that she’s ultimately responsible for her own problems and solutions at work. It doesn’t mean you should quit listening (see below), but it means that you should stop your own “hurting” over this.
As for item 2, try out the first two paragraphs in Jodi’s post. Listen and support, but don’t try to solve. To be honest, this idea didn’t work for me in the past for various reasons. But it might work for you. At least it might help buy time and get you through to January. If necessary, move on to paragraph 3 of Jodi’s message (what Wring also said). And as a last resort go on to marriage counseling (if this sort of thing continues to be a big problem over the long-term).