Never buff the insides of your eyelids with sandpaper, no matter how fine a grade it is.
Do not move this handle to the rear position.
Do not insure that this cover is closed.
Do not insert a clip of ammunition into the feed rollers like so.
Do not return this handle to the firing postion.
And you should never, under any circumstances, depress the foot triggers, located here and here.
Or, like I just did - do not drink lemonade after sustaining a paper cut on your lip.
No matter how easy it looks in the movies, never engage in a swordfight while standing on a damaged rope bridge.
Never attempt to but an 8 ball in your mouth - you may get it in there, but you won’t get it back out. (Unless perhaps you’re a trout.)
No matter how angry she makes you, do not, under any circumstances, throw a large pair of scissors at your older sister when you are ten years old. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but the points may become embedded in her thigh, causing you to be grounded until your high school graduation.
Not that I’d know that from personal experience, you understand.
Never wear an underwire bra when helping your son and his buddies with a science experiment on electricity. :eek:
Never, under any circumstances, push the big red button that reads “do not push”
Aww, c’mon! What’s the button for, then?
Can’t I push it? Huh? Huh? Can’t I? Just once?
Don’t ever try to tickle a timber wolf’s testicles.
Do not use orange kittens to insulate your exterior air conditioning unit, they might help to muffle that noisy fan but the clean-up’s a bitch.
Do not suggest to your six-months-pregnant wife that she is really “packing on the pounds”. Even in jest.*
Do not preface anything with the words “hey, watch this”.
Do not attempt to replace outlets with out first tunring off the circuit, regardless of what your father does.
Do not remove the covers to both of the down tubes on a motorcycle at the same time unless you have correctly propped up said motorcycle.
Do not try to stop the blade of a reciprocating saw with your finger tips.
Do not engage in bets when drunk. Especially not when the bet is for one canadian dollar.
- I didn’t do this. My idiot brother-in-law did. I’m dumb, but not suicidal.
Do not snort salt.
Do not ever drink rum straight out of the bottle when already drunk, especially if you are mumbling the phrase “But it tastes just like water”.
Never, try to pick up a nail you just cut off with a reciprocating saw. The same goes for the blade on the saw, and the wood surrounding ther nail.
I’ll do you one better.
Pregnant women are incapable of understanding that there is more than one way in which they could resemble a beached walrus, and that you really weren’t referring to their weight.
Do not EVER tell school inspectors that you did “eeny meeny miny moe” on the standardized tests while in front of the principal. Oh no, do not EVER EVER do that.
(Applicable to those who have sex with females) And when you come home from a date a little past curfew and your date’s dad asks, “Just WHAT have you been doing?” do NOT answer, “Your daughter,” ESPECIALLY if said dad is a member of the NRA.
Do not drink listerine in large ammounts, do not use gold bond as a lubricant, do not trust a stranger when your both drunk and he is armed, do not go over a quarter pipe in a shopping cart, do not mudslide in mud created from latrine run off with open cuts, do not try to give yourself any of the following: a blowjob, a nervous twitch, a stutter, a multiple personality disorder, do not drink listerine
thats all for now im sure ill think up some more.
And if somebody else does, don’t say “Well, shit, I can do that” and then attempt to do the same thing.
Do not try to wipe your ass with a belt sander no matter how tempting it is. Also,do not masturbate with a belt sander.
Don’t ever take a spoonful of powdered hot cocoa mix and then inhale while swallowing it.
Trust me on this one.