I’d stay away from picking on anyone in the audience. What happens if a whole group of Trump supporters is there? Even if it’s just one person, if you piss them off, what are you going to do if they start heckling you?
And the followup Trump joke, if you were to do that…just cut down the wording.
“Trump is a dream come true–if that dream was a nightmare”
“Trump is a nightmare come true”
“Trump is a dream come true–or perhaps a night terror”
Really, just avoid political entirely, unless you know your audience well, or your audience knows you well. Politics is not first date material.
The bisexual joke certainly has mileage. How about tagging on the end of it.
“Not really, I actually call myself a bi-sexual because that’s the most common response I get and I often do end up paying for it.”
Yes, that’s most of why I cut it.
Because it’s incest. With your mother. It’s going to end things on a skeevy note. Why do that? You will be remembered as the guy who told the terrible joke about having sex with his mother. Is there some way you can flirt with the idea like “Back to the Future” without wallowing in it?
I would drop the stuff about worthless love and not getting along with your wife. It’s an entertainment show, so don’t make it seem like the message is, “no, really, I’m miserable!” But then again comedy touches on touchy subjects, so there ya go.
I laughed at the jokes. I like Stephen Wright a lot- made my gf watch him, she laughed but laughed harder at Fail Blog. So, if you bomb, that right there might actually be funny, too.
Yeah, not sure banging your mom is going to work, either. As a new comic with no rep, it looks a little desperate.
I disagree. Do what you know.
What??? I LOVED them! Seriously, Frylock, I bow to you. I wish I could come up with one joke half as funny as most of these. The penis one was great. So was the John Cage one (very Mitch Hedberg!).
Go break a leg. You rock — seriously.
Now I’ll read te rest of the thread. If the consensus is with Guinistasia, I’ll be most disappointed in my fellow Dopers.
ETA: Yay, I’m not the only one that found them funny!
Yeah, I agree with kayaker. There’s a persona here, of a guy whose wife takes no bullshit and says really mean things but you kind of deserve them. In the “my love is worthless” joke, at first I thought, “Christ, that’s a terrible thing to say,” but then, “Oh, right, he’s substituting declarations of love for actually taking care of his shit, she’s right.” That whiplash made it funny to me.
Keeping your wife as a recurring exaggerated character is a good thing; I’d use her more, not less.
I picked out the ones that I thought might have some potential, listed them below along with some comments.
Except for possibly the open relationship one, I don’t think any of them are ready to go as is. Some of them just need to be tightened up and written better, others have germs of humor in them but need to be really re-worked.
I’m not going to make any exact suggestions. This is your project, I’m just offering one guys opinion.
The list:
Who here is in an open relationship that they know of?
If you get the timing right this could be one of your best ones. It needs a follow-up behind it.
I have very paternal instincts. I love children. When I grow up, I hope to have three of them. One for the food stamps. One to run to the store and get daddy his cigarrettes. But first, I will need one very mature eldest child to raise the other two after mommy finally runs off.
The idea of the joke is decent but it needs to be tightened up. Someone upthread had a pretty good version of it.
There’s a street corner where several hispanic people often wait just hoping for an honest day’s work. Then the other day I saw a young white millenial hipster standing there with them. What a comment on our society today. Gentrification rears its ugly head again.
the concept of a ironic and surprise take on gentrification is good but the way it is now doesn’t really work.
I tend to forget things–little things like switching the laundry, picking my wife up from work. This has caused her some consternation over the years. We’ve had to learn some life lessons about love and forgetfulness. She has learned from me, for example, that my forgetfulness doesn’t make my love any less real. And I have learned from her, that my love is worthless.
There could be something here if you rework it some. Again, I think someone else upthread had some decent thoughts on this.
**If I could go back in time, I would visit my dad’s house, and I would ask him “don’t you recognize me pa?” and he would say no, because I wouldn’t have been born yet. Then he would shoot me, because I am making love to his wife. **
*Definitely the best bit. But it’s not good to go as written. *
Can you say here which club you’re performing in? Is it in Indy, or outside the city? Is it a comedy club or is it a bar or something that has an open mic but doesn’t pay professional comics to do shows?
I enjoyed 3/4s of them, and think you’ve got good instincts.
I’ve been thinking about this a bit, and I do have some advice and suggestions. I’m by no means a professional comedian, but I do tell stories my friends find funny, and I do a decent amount of public speaking for business purposes.
The key to a successful bit is the hook, the brick, and the narrative. (Don’t know if this is the right terms, I’m making this up as I go.)
The hook gets the audience interested. They’ve been sitting here a bit, listening to other people flounder around on stage, talking amongst themselves, using the bathroom, whatever. What they are not doing is paying you their full attention.
The brick is a throwaway line towards the beginning. Nothing spectacular in itself, but it is something that you will be coming back to at the end.
The narrative is how you tie all the one liners together into a coherent story, one that interest and engages the audience.
So, here’s my suggestion for your bit, I used mostly your own material, with only a bit of original to tie it all together:
Do you believe in time travel? I’m not sure myself, but I met a man the other day that claimed to be my son from the future. I didn’t recognize him, but that’s because he hadn’t been born yet.
Now, I do have a PhD in Philosophy…that was going to be my first joke…so it got me to wondering, which kid is it?
I don’t have children, yet, but when I do, I plan to have three: One to mow the lawn, one to fetch my beers, and one to raise the other two.
So, I don’t have kids… but I am married. It was hard, finding the right woman to be my soul mate. I spent some time as a bi-sexual… by which, I mean, I had to buy my sex.
But I got better, I found it’s all about the music, the music sets the mood. Now, when people come up to me and ask me what my sexytime music is…which is a thing they do…really…when people come up and ask me what my sexytime music is I say [Deep manly voice] It’s the National Anthem, because football players kneel for my performance.[/DMV]
But really, it’s about the context. Sometimes a little Mrs. Robinson is in order, sometimes a bit of Barry Manilow, occasionally even it’s “La macarena”. For my wife, it’s four minutes, thirty three seconds of silence. [Now the one guy in the club that catches the reference will not feel out of place laughing].
I do love my wife, but I tend to forget things–little things like switching the laundry, picking my wife up from work, and taking out the trash. [<—rule of three] This has caused her some consternation over the years. We’ve had to learn some life lessons about love and forgetfulness. She has learned from me, for example, that my forgetfulness doesn’t make my love any less real. And I have learned from her, that my love doesn’t get the trash out to the curb.
[shake it off]
So, this guy is claiming to be my son from the future, so I pulled out my gun, and I shot him. I had to; [perplexed] he was trying to kill my dad. {alternately… I had to; [serious] He killed my father.} (while I do like the half inverted oedipus with the time travel twist, it kinda paints your wife in a bad light. Implying a botched attempt of trying to bring about the grandfather paradox may work though.)
He did bring me a beer though.
Thank you all for coming, please tip your server.
Where is this open mic night going to be? Because I have some rotten produce I’ve been meaning to get rid of.
k9bfriender there are a lot of good suggestions there.
Frylock,
To me k9bfriender’s linked set of jokes is much funnier than your original version.
(No offence - successful humour is difficult!)
To me, some are, some aren’t:
Sort of a throw-away. Not really funny but may warm the audience up. And sets up s thread that will go through the rest of the routine.
I didn’t get this at first because I was reading the post like a set of one-liners, as my originally posted routine is intended to be. Now I see it’s asking, which of my kids is the one from the future? I’d change it to “which kid is he supposed to be” since I was skeptical that he’s telling the truth above, but otherwise, yes if this is going to be a connected set of jokes telling a story, this works really well!
I think I’d have to change this one as the above two really imply that I do have children and these are all suposed to be connected. With that aside, I am thinking about changing my line “run and get my cigarretes” to this “fetch my beers,” just a bit quicker, flows a bit better.
For whatever reason, most in various fora who have looked at these jokes have said the bisexual = attracted to two at a time is the funniest one in the set as is so I think I will keep it there. The “buy sex” version is funny too, though. Maybe too much of an obvious pun but… we’re talking first timer open mic here…
I just don’t get this one. I don’t understand what the joke is on the final clause.
This is fucking hilarious. I’m aware of the rule of threes and for some of these previously had longer versions that incorporate it, but cut out a lot of that for various reasons. This may be good enough for me to steal tbh.
I don’t know. I don’t know. I really like the extremity of my version. I am not sure why. I just imagine which one I would laugh harder at if I were in the audience and… I wouldn’t really laugh at the above though I would recognize it as successfully humorous. Hard to explain I guess.
I should get this I think, but I don’t.
To me this seems technically the correct joke to tell in this spot. That is why I am averse to it. I am so oppositional! 
BTW for context, “weird and abrupt” is a perfect description of my public demeanor. (A coworker used the phrase ‘abrupt affect’, and believe it or not did not mean this as an insult. We were just talking about my collaboration style. I can seem a little off-putting at first to be honest.) I am hoping to be able to use this (I know one’s demeanor doesn’t just automatically come across on stage but like I said, I’m hoping to be able to use it). I am hoping the very first joke helps to set this up. “That is my first joke” is a weird abrupt thing to say, then you get it.
It’s whether you are going for self depreciation or not. Having to buy sex means that you started out struggling in your love life, having sex with two women at once is a bit braggadocious.
Double meaning. There has been the national controversy of NFL players kneeling for the national anthem, but it also works for the idea that your sexual performance is so impressive, that if these big strong testosterone laden men were to observe, they would kneel in adoration and respect.
If I have to explain it, I guess it’s not too good, but I though it was kinda funny.
all yours
Either way. I do like the “my love is worthless” as well, but fixing it do an action makes it a touch more visceral. Maybe “my love is worthless, it doesn’t get the trash out to the curb.”
Time travel trope, everyone is always going back in time and trying to kill their grandfather (hence the grandfather paradox). Your purported son is either trying to, or has succeeded in doing so. (But is thwarted in either case, as you exist.)
Definitely depends on the audience. Most of my “audiences” would get it I think, but it does require an interest, at least, in time travel fiction to be quickly grasped.
It’s the catching of the brick.
I appreciate your commentary a great deal, k9befriender. Thanks!
FWIW, I prefer the tack the original bisexual joke was taking. “Buy sexual” is just a lame pun to me and, besides, I’m almost certain I’ve heard it before (unless I’m conflating it with the “trisexual”/“I’ll try anything sexual” type of joke.)