Here’s a fun game to play: Select your favorite ghetto-blastin’ rap song, extract a blazin’ line, and convert it into the friendliest of poetry with the most gentle of tones. I recommend using the works of artists with not much to say- the cruder, the gaudier, the better.
These tend to be artists who tend not to stray from simpler subject matter (e.g., women, malt liquor of the forty-ounce variety, oversized alloy-wheels, etc.) Mr. Snoop Dogg, the gentleman who goes by ‘DMX’, and Ye Olde Big Punisher would all be a great starting point.
The objective is to Identify the composer of the song, or in many cases, the last musician to repeat those particular lyrics. I’ll begin with:
Oh yes, is that not fresh? Everybody would like to get down in that manner.
I have female dogs in the parlor getting it on
And they are not leaving till 6 in the morning
So, what are you going to do?
Feces, I have numerous profilactics and my Bonne Amis do as well
So turn off the lights and close the door
But for what? --we are not in love with these women of ill repute.
Yes, we are going to smoke a small amount to this (song)
Gentleman, up. Women of ill repute, down. While you Lovers of Matriarchs bounce to this (song).
My friend Islam takes photographs,
And, m’am, I should mention that Evil E will be successful in seducing you
He will have you very relaxed in a state of complete undress,
not unlike the acts featured in pornographic videos.
Hotel rooms have been known to burst in flames
when my friends unload the equipment from the tour bus.
Yes, intercoure is the name of the game
when we travel.
So, now, please place your hands over head
if you enjoy intercourse!
Now, I know that there’s a few of you who feel this way!
Obviously, using some means of birth control.
As responsible adults living in 1988, we must take responsibility for our actions.
But, that is a topic that will be covered at another time.
Ladies, I would like to let you know that if you gyrate your attractive bodies appropriately, men will be interested in approaching you.
Men, when you see members of the opposite sex moving in this manner, do not hesitate to approach them (specifically, approach their posterier region) and say:
LET US TAKE OFF ALL OUR CLOTHES AND HAVE INTERCOURSE!
Oops, I’ve just reread and realized I broke the rules. Umm.
I am a hustler, baby
I would like you to know
It is not where I have been,
but, it’s where I am about to attend
I wish to love you
but, being who I am
and having a large amount of currency
you will forget you significant other.
Rand McNally’s is Fabolous (who lives up to his name, btw).
You are aware that I have intercourse with and show affection for them, then I depart the premises
Because they are not necessary to my existence
I escort them around the estate and provide them with the means to groom themselves
However, I do not see it necessary to provide them with victuals
Once they raise objections I flee
If you should ask me, my reply is as follows:
I am a cad, however you understand the term, female dog
My word is of more value than theirs
There is a certain residence which I have provided for them
Until I feel the usual manly urges
And then I serenade them with my vehicle
They may fondle my personal area while in the vehicle
There are many ladies who would desire to imprison men
By dissolving their marriages and seeking restitution
It is not logical to me that oral sex would be a fair exchange for a fortune,
That one may achieve a certain standard of living. Feces,
I will retain that which I own, you are erecting a facade
Dare I give my affections to a member of the weaker sex?
I would not do this for any amount, it is preposterous
For an eternity will I persue ladies of questionable morals
I am frigid in my pericardial area and I have little enthusiasm
I am also impatient
I refuse to delay my gratification
So please place your posterior in my vehicle, lady of the evening,
And we shall perambulate…
**RandMcnally ** - Jay-Z … it’s the one that goes “I’m a hustler, baby … just want you to know … and i just wanna LOVE YA!”
ok, ok. here’s mine.
Excuse me, my song is playing, I must eat now,
Arrange for three pails of victuals
We are receiving a larger quantity of capital, illegally (Are you amassing wealth?)
Attracting more streetwalkers with mere visual contact (Are you amassing wealth?)
Shall you view me with derision, only because your spouse requests my signature?
Judging by her longing gaze, I perceive an ulterior motive!
When I observe corpulent derrieres, I perform the triumphant tosses of star athletes
Rhythm-kernels are unsurpassed, while your feces are substandard
I will open the tin container if you disrespect my wealth
Tough and callous since the precursory years of middle school
Fashionable chap, my rhythmic sounds will make the group of spectators rise to their feet.
I am peeved. If African-American males would like to engage me in a duel – IT IS OF NO CONSEQUENCE TO ME!
I will be the precipitation that falls upon your joyous celebration; I will separate your lower limbs from your torso with an explosive weapon.
Now you are flailing about like a mythical sea siren.
Talking profusely, female dog, you’re expectorating.
Meanwhile, I am positioned near the alcoholic beverages, charming ladies. The barkeep signals me.
Thereupon, I attract a young lass with a short greeting and a glance.
She performed a dance, brushing her buttocks against the frontal closure of my pants
I was able to conceptualize my feces trapped in her nether regions
With every successful hit, my critics exclaim, “That darn fellow!”
…
When I have ingested Rémy Martin alcoholic beverages
One cannot discern,
When I copulate with them, will I insult them?
At least, thats what these scandelous women exclaim!
Screw the rules, I’m playing along even if I can’t identify any of these lyrics, and wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between Tupac and Dr. Dre without birth certificates and DNA samples.
One should not refer to this as a return to past glories,
Because, in truth, I have remained in this place for many years.
I have allowed my friends and close associates to enjoy my music,
While simultaneously making others of less stature afraid,
Thus causing them to lachrymate like a powerful tropical storm.
Absorb the powerful sonic vibrations of my 30 Hz frequency,
Similar to an exothermic reaction, one which will overwhelm my fellow musicians.
In fact, I stand, edifice-like, above many of these perfomers.
I am metaphorically despoiling one’s place of employment
When I recite these lyrics, many of which might incite one to alert the local authorities.
I would recommend not making direct eye-contact with me, but rather promptly vacating the premises.
As well, I would suggest that a comparison between me and those aforementioned lesser musicians,
Who will recieve a fate similar to many garden vegetables,
Is ultimately invalid.
Those other musicians are the ones dispensing money for their goods and services, not I.
My foot is on the pedal- never ever an untrue metal
My engine is running hotter than a boiling kettle!
My profession is not a chore, it’s a time of mirth
From one city to another, I’m perambulating my rhymes
I’m on location, and touring around the nation ** no changes this line**
The Beastie Boys are always on vacation
I have an itchy trigger finger, but a stable phonograph
I do what I do best because I’m unwell and able
There is no faking this, I’m taking your cash
I’m moving from one coast to another, watching the young ladies wiggle
While your at your job working your 9-5 workday
The Beastie Boys are at the garden, performing live with panache!
No sleep until we get to Brooklyn.
Oh my god ::starts choking:: that’s good :D. Treviathan’s is Mama Said Knock You Out
I’ll come back if I can think of a good one. Most rap songs are either so obscure that no one will get them or so popular that everyone will get them. I’m trying to think of one that’s a happy medium.