Hate your virtual wife? Want someone to virtually kill her? I can take care of that for you.
Hate your virtual husband? Want someone to virtually off his cheating, non-child support payin’, deadbeat ass? I can take care of that for you, too.
Tired of court dates and lawyers? Want to collect some fat insurance checks? Need it to look like an accident? Want some in-laws to go with your ex on their trip to hell?
Just whisper it in my ear, and watch what goes down.
For those of you who are well adjusted enough to not need the obligatory ridiculous disclaimer, you need not continue to read.
For the rest of you:
*this is a joke intended for amusement purposes only. Any threats, real or implied, are solely for the entertainment of the parties involved, and made at and with their consent. There will be no actuall killing of anyone, nor will any in-laws come to harm, more’s the pity. In any case, remember kids: Don’t kill anyone.
Well, I have a BIL who’s a pain, but not so much as to deserve the death sentence. Could you just smack him around a little for being so obnoxious? Mebbe knock a little sense into him?
Headlines taken from front page of SDMB Sun Times:
Local Teacher Dies in Tragic Accident. Associated Press - In a tragic turn of events, a local computing teacher lost his life. Authorities are very truculent at this time, however we have it from reliable sources that the teacher was killed during the installation of a network card. Apparently, a sleeve snagged and a chasis was knocked over, causing a chain reaction on the bench. The unfortunate late Mr. Teacher was buried beneath an avalanche of computer cases and cat-5 cable.
When a janitor found him this morning, he was bloated and very pale, and a stray cat was worrying his face.
Police Chief Wiggum will only report that “…we have no reason to suspect [foul play] at this time, however we will be conducting a thorough investigation.”
School officials offer their condolences and all classes will be suspended for a week. When contacted, students seemed shocked into silence.
“He was such a good teacher. This is so sad,” said BornDodgy, one of the classes more stellar students.
In a similar but unrelated event, a Literature teacher was mangled by his dog while playing “Bury the Weasel” in the backyard. The dog escaped and is being sought after for rabies tests, although we can only speculate as to why since the late teacher will not be bothered by a little rabies as he will be more concerned with the slight case of death he contracted from the wanted pooch.
<flip to the classifieds>
SWHM seeks more information RE: BIL. Please include name and description. Call 555.8181
SWHM seeks more virtual hussy for walks along the dock and trying on of stone shoes. Please include name with reply. Call 555.8181
Don’t worry, matt. I’m very discreet. Don’t forget this is the Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap thread, so you can rest assured that no mud will be made to soil your name or your career. Just remember that I will know what has been done and how and retain evidence, so one hand will have to wash the other when you are in office, capice?
BIL is 43 y/o, 5’9", 230#, thinning reddish hair, operating under the delusion that he knows stuff. Can be found whining to representatives of Weight Watchers about how ineffective their program is, or pestering his brother for computer help and advice, or borrowing money from relatives. “Works” in a small Christian school, allegedly as a teacher, tho he’s dumber than a box of rocks.
<hypergirl checks her super-secret, mom-proof voice mail>
Yes, Miss Girl? This is Willem with the Circulation and Subscriptions department of the SDMB Sun Times. I just wanted you to know that your first paper should arrive tomorrow. Thank you for your patronage.
<Silver Fire finds a non-descript manilla envelope on her pillow>
Enclosed letter, in 10 pt. Courier, reads as follows:
"This contact and profile kit will allow you to inform me of who it is you wish to rid your life of. Please note that you are among the few for whom I will render my services at no charge. Please note that while there will be no monetary charge, there will be remembrance.
Use this kit to contact me with all requested information, at the appropriate time.
Oooh, does it have to be somebody we know personally? The Couch Potatoes are watching the American Music Awards in the living room and Faith Hill just gave the sappiest acceptance speech I have EVER heard. Somebody go shoot her, please?