I’m feeling a little silly this morning (didn’t get enough sleep last night) and thought it might be fun to get married. So this is an open call to any female doper who is interested in tying the knot in a completely non-legally binding sense strictly for the purpose of this message board.
As your virtual husband I will:
Do the dishes, mow the lawn, clean up after the pet(s), cook
Perform in the bedroom on demand
Not pester you for a threesome with your girlfriend from work
Not pester you for blowjobs all the time
Actually turn down the volume on the TV during the big game because somehow you got it into your head that this is the best time to have a discussion with me about what the new living room wallpaper should look like
Pause the Playstation game when you need my attention to look at carpet swatches to see what goes with the new living room wallpaper
Not gawk at women’s breasts for longer than 5 consecutive seconds when out in public with you
Not show you strange things that came from my ear/nose/bullybutton and ask “What do you think that is?”
Not stratch myself there in front of company
Not ask you to pull my finger
I am open to other suggestions.
Legal Disclaimer
[sub]This is solely for the purposes of this board. If anyone ever meets me IRL, don’t expect me to be like the list above.[/sub]
Ok, since I lost Silver Fire, let me clarify what I am willing to do IRL:
Do the dishes, mow the lawn, clean up after the pet(s), cook (occassionally, not every day, we could take turns or something)
Perform in the bedroom on demand (well, almost on demand, there is some recuperation time needed)
Not pester you for a threesome with your girlfriend from work (after you say no the first 5 times)
Not pester you for blowjobs all the time (after you say no the first 25 times)
Actually turn down the volume on the TV during the big game because somehow you got it into your head that this is the best time to have a discussion with me about what the new living room wallpaper should look like – ok, this one needs some explaining. Yes, I will turn down the volume, but wanting me to pay attention to what you’re saying is a huge request.
deleted from the list
Not gawk at women’s breasts for longer than 5 consecutive seconds when out in public with you
Not show you strange things that came from my ear/nose/bullybutton and ask “What do you think that is?”
Not stratch myself there in front of company
Deleted from the list
So with a few additions to those statements, I am pretty close to that list.
I dropped number 6 cuz really, c’mon, swatches can wait until I’m done killing the zombies ok? And 10 is off the IRL list, cuz I actually do that to my GF from time to time, just to be a pig.
However, as your virtual husband the list in the OP still stands.
I’m always in the market for a virtual boy-toy… All I’d need is promise of #2,3,4 & 8, and a guarantee that when I was done with you, you’d go home without whining.
Now you’re making fun of my dog just because she’s a little old (15 years) and gets cold during the winter. She doesn’t act old though, she just is old. Well, I just found out over the weekend that she’s gone deaf too.
So magdelene on the grounds of you making fun of my puppy, you’re no longer in consideration. Next!
ultress is singing. CanadianSue has volunteered to assist in the post-nuptial coitus (no thanks, BTW, CS) FairyChatMom just wants a virtual fling and not a virtual marriage Tabithina is a witness Jester has volunteered to be best man
All I really need now is a preacher/justice of the peace and oh, what else? Oh yes, A BRIDE
screech-owl sounds like she’s considering it, but hasn’t given a definite answer. (BTW, don’t worry about me interupting NASCAR, if that’s on TV I probably would find something else to do. ;))
BTW #9 should be scratch, not stratch. It’s the keyboard’s fault for having the ‘C’ and ‘T’ so close to each other with only the ‘F’ key to block. Everyone knows the ‘F’ key isn’t good at defense. You need the ‘B’ or ‘W’ key there to run interference, then that sort of thing wouldn’t happen.
I don’t care if you gawk at women’s breasts. I’ll even point out the good ones to you. I however reserve the right to ogle passing stud-boys & repeat the phrase “hummina-hummina-hummina” if they’re really good looking.
BTW, I get up to get my own snacks & beverages during the game, rather than asking you to do so. I will also ask if you would like anything while I’m up. (If you’re cleaning up after the pets [cat and a bird], that’s a decent trade-off. Besides, it’s nice to have someone keep me informed of what’s happening during the game while I’m in the kitchen.)
