There’s just one problem. I need bridesmaids. Any volunteers? I promise I won’t make you wear hideous dresses that make your butts look huge, your ankles look thick, or your breasts look like they don’t exist or are trying to escape.
If you’re interested in being a part of this joyous occasion please reply to this thread.
We still need:
A preacher ot justice of the peace, bridesmaids, groomsmen, a photographer, an organist/pianist, a DJ (or band) for the reception, a bartender, a caterer, a florist…
Well, it looks like the role of the drunk uncle is taken already.
In that case can I be the hyperactive little kid who rushes around the joint, ducking under the tables, eating all the marachino cherries out of the open bar and then violently vomiting up a huge splash of blood-red gore on the bright white tablecloth?
Uncle Beer - I’d be honored. I’m not sure what we’re doing about vows yet. From the tone of the marriage competition I’m thinking we’ll have to write our own.
Inky - If you trip me, I swear, you’ll be the first ringbearer ever to be spanked during the ceremony.
I’d like to take this opportunity to practice my drunken tirade:
Ahem
"Goddammit, I shaw her firsht. I loved her firsht, and that sonuvabitch stole her all away from me. Don’t look at me like that you little shit, I don’t care whose godamn wedding this izh. It’sh okay, I’m cool, I’m cool.
. . .
SONUVABITCH!! I’d kick your ash if my chick wazhn’t here.
Bartender, another scotch, and easy on the godamn ice cubes this time.
I’ll sit in the front pew in a peach-colored chiffon dress, crying, and saying “My baby, my baby”, and at the reception, I’ll drink too much champange and start telling people “I don’t know what little*bit sees in that awful CrunchyFrog, I wanted her to marry that nice 2sense, but nooooo, she had to marry this worthless so and so…”
Jack, that was beautiful. Keep drinking & working up that unjustified anger. By the time the reception rolls around you should be a screaming frothing mess.
THespos, I believe Silver Fire’s band was hired in the other thread. Perhaps you & your band can come as guests & take the stage during the regular band’s breaks.
Duke, I don’t see why you can’t do a reading at the ceremony. I think you should talk to Crunchy Frog about being a groomsman/usher.
You know what we still need? We need that couple of grandarents who are so elderly that they seem unsure of where that are and what’s happening around them.
The grandfather can sit there, stiff and glassy-eyed. Grandma will occasionally take her denture plate out of her mouth and wash it in the crystal water glass. Then, when the videographer shows up and asks them to give a message to the bride and groom they can say:
Videographer: Would you like to say something to the happy couple?
Grandma: (loudly, in grandpa’s ear) Papa! PAPA!! he want’s you to say something!
Grandpa: Haaampah?
Grandma: (shouting) Papa! He says to give wedding message for Little and Crunchy!
Grandpa: I told her, I told her never to marry a wop! And what does she go and do!?
afisofia - it sounds like you’ve got the part down pat. Thank you so much for volunteering.
Zoggie - listen here you little under-aged trollop. Don’t make me shove boquet down your throat. (actually, I’m not worried. I’ll keep the groom so worn out he won’t have the strength for anyone else)
