? for the Menfolk, re: Being Whupped

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Do women ever do this to their friends? I’ve never had any of my girlfriends get upset at me for not accepting invitations because of family obligations. In fact, they usually offer to babysit. Just wondering…

glee, I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Don’t know what to tell you, I’ve had friends drop me because of their SOs too, so I can understand both sides of the problem. It’s really important to find a good balance between family and outside friends, and I think MisterTot benefits from having the occasional night sans me and TinyTot.

22

I have heard of this more among men than women, the pressuring and name-calling (never heard of a woman being called “dick-whipped”).

Some of my girlfriends used to get upset with me about not accepting invitations, and thought it was because of my then husband, but later came to understand that I am somewhat of a hermit and just don’t like to go out much.

23

You know, Spidey, I was wondering if this is because single women, in general, have a better idea of the pressures of family life than single men do. This has been my experience, but like I said, I’ve lived in the rather closed military environment for 21 of my 26 years. Of course, I may be wrong about this, and hope I am.

24

Oops, I also wanted to say that I’m somewhat of a hermit, too and sometimes get flack for that. But after spending all week with a bunch of kids, a few hours of alone time is heaven to me!

25

I think there is still that macho competition thing that men have to deal with, also. But I think that it is not as prevalent nowadays as it used to be, except in really backwards areas (and military bases, apparently).

26

And I’m also wondering if age has something to do with it? These are all young guys we’re talking about, between 18-28, which has traditionally been the time to sow your wild oats. I sometimes feel a little bad for Johnny since he got married so young and has had to grow up while raising a great kid and working on a marriage. It hasn’t been easy on him, and I admire him so much for doing it.

In the military a lot of the soldiers marry young, and I think that perhaps the strain of family, work and living away from home gets to them and causes them to behave in immature ways. It is a very hard life, and it takes a lot out of you. We’ve been lucky in many ways since I came into it knowing a lot about army life and my family lives nearby to offer support.

27

The age thing probably has something to do with it also (all that testosterone I guess) and the type of guy who usually chooses to enter the service in the first place (I know, I’m stereotyping).

////tatertot\\

I think you have a wonderful family, and I admire the dedication and love you show to each other and to your son.

-----:slight_smile:
—////\\

28

Oh, that’s so sweet of you to say. We’re doing pretty well, all things considered. I just brought this whole subject up because I’m really curious as to why somebody would do this and how common it is.

29

Hiya tater!

I know just how you feel, believe me. Going out 2-4 times a month, IMHO, is plenty for any married person with kids. I wish I could do that! And I also think it’s great that he sets aside specific time for you, and for your son. You and your husband need time for yourselves, and your child needs time with his dad. If your husband’s buddies think he’s whipped, then they need to do some rethinking.

My husband is a musician. As a result, we really don’t have the weekends to spend together (we went out last night and had a great time, but I have got to admit, it was the first time in well over a year that we’ve done that).

My husband is also a stay-at-home father. I work full-time, so we can’t really do a whole lot during the week, because I’ve got to get up early for work, and he’s got to get up early for kids. Honestly, I think HE’S got the harder job. Staying at home with children is very, very rewarding, but man, it is NOT easy. I have been in the position of having our lifestyle, too. Those conversations are usually very entertaining:

Ignorant Person: Your husband is a musician? Does he have a “real” job?

Persephone: Yes, in fact, he has two.

Iggy: Oh, what are they?

Seph: He’s a musician, and a father.

Iggy: He stays at home with your kids during the day?

Seph: Yep. Then he plays guitar on weekends, and occasionally during the week.

Iggy: I thought you said he had two real jobs.

Seph: He does.

Iggy: Playing music and raising kids full time aren’t “real” jobs!

Seph: The hell they aren’t! You try it sometime!

Over the last five years, though, I have managed to convince a buttload of folks that a) playing music is, in fact, a job, and b) my kids are doing just great having their father at home all day. It’s a choice that we made before the kids were born, and it was the right one for us. My family was a bit weird about it at first, too, especially the men. But now that they see just how things are working for us, they think it’s great. :smiley:

30

Yep. And immature ones. To paraphase the Bible, when he married you he “Put aside childish things…”.

A night out every once in awhile is great; even us married types need release and it’s healthy. I suggest that the ‘men’ (and I use the term loosely) who are teasing him like this are not his friends, but rather aquaintances. The difference is important. My focus is my family, first, whenever possible. nothing else on this earth comes even a close second.

Mr. Tot is doing just fine; there’s more to being a man than hanging out and slamming beers. His buddies need to grow up.

31

trisk

tatertot I was just curious about what does your husband tell his “buddies”

I think Mr. Tot is just showing maturity and his friends are not. How many of his friends have families? If my first husband would have been more like Mr. Tot then we might still be married. He choose his drinking buddies and his race cars over his family. I raised our two children with no help from him. He still choose that lifestyle after our divorce and for about 10 years into his next marriage. I guess he regrets it now, because his children have very little to do with him now 25 years later.

So you, Mr. Tot, and tiny tot just enjoy each other while you can and don’t worry about what everybody else thinks as long as you and Mr. Tot are happy.

32

You know, Idnew, in the past I’ve told him to feel free to use me as an excuse if he didn’t want to go out, but in retrospect that was a mistake. We’ll have to talk about this again when he gets back next week.

I’d say about half of his work buddies are married with families, but several are getting divorced or seperated lately…seems like the pressure to go out has really built up. It’s like they all have to go out together and commiserate, I guess. Honestly, I don’t mind one night a week, but it’s getting so that they are calling me up on my phone, and asking me if it’s okay to take him out. Arghhh! I hate being put on the spot.

33

tatertot, I think the military lifestyle definitly has something to do with the behaviour of Mr. Tot’s friends. Machismo runs high in the military ranks and is a least partly the cause of Mr. Tot’s suffering. (plain old rudeness being another cause)

I think the time Mr. Tot devotes to his friends is plenty for a family man and I applaud him for devoting so much time to you and Baby Tot. As for his friends… well they say when you enter basic training you are instructed to leave your brain at the door. Sounds like a few of his friends forgot to pick their brains up when they graduated.

[slight hijack]
IIRC, you’re stationed in Germany. What base? My dad was stationed at Mannheim and later spent another tour of duty in Schweinfurt. I almost graduated from Wurzburg High but Dad’s tour ended and I finished up at Fort Knox instead.
[/slight hijack]

34

Tater, hon, it’s been my experience that the age of the friends is most likely the problem.

First let me say - it sounds like you have a WONDERFUL husband!!

This kinda thing was a problem with ExMrM2U - and he let them get to him…leaving me to raise my son, his disabled son, and his daughter on my own most of the time. While keeping a full time job. On top of that, he was abusive and a drunk. He was also my age.

CurrentMrM2U is 45 - and this is NEVER an issue. As a matter of fact, his single friends would rather come over to our house and have dinner and such than sit at some bar - but they have grown up. They prefer the company of the whole family - and the one or two times he’s gone out with them (in 4+ years!) they’ve been out for maybe 1/2 hour and the whole gaggle of them comes back to the house begging for a home cooked meal.

So, tater, what I’m saying is that this too shall pass.

{{{Tater and family}}}

35

Tally-Ho, we’re in Heidelberg right now, which is right next door to Mannheim. When did you go to Wurzburg? I graduated Frankfurt in 1992…heh, we hated y’all down there! But we hated Heidelberg worse, and look where I wound up.

And MisterTot has just 1 1/2 years to go, and we’re out of here, probably going to stay in Europe for a few more years but we don’t know where. I really, really hope for both of our sakes things change…when we’re off post, it seems like both of us gravitate towards older friends.

36

Wow… interesting array of opinions….

Now not knowing the “friends” in question I will offer an alternate viewpoint.

It is harmless mailbonding. Believe it or not this does take place in some situations and the act of calling someone whipped is just a way to yank their chain. Most men do understand that part of a mature adult relationship involves compromise and responsibility. They know full well they are in the same boat and have the same responsibilities. So as a matter of posturing and good natured ribbing this does take place.

The socio-economic argument is wiped out by this viewpoint.

That being said there are idiots out there who believe lock, stock and barrel that even though I am married I should get to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Your hubby’s friends fall into one of those two categories and some may be the former while the rest are the latter.

37

And we didn’t like ya’ll much either. :stuck_out_tongue:
:wink:
Let’s see, that tour was '87 to '91… so I was at Wurzburg from '90 to the tail end of '91 (sophomore & 1/2 junior year)

Sometimes I really miss Germany. You know you’re a military brat when you wax nostalgic about the old Commissary public service spots. (…that’s what it’s for. To make your commissary a better store!) :o

38

We have cable now so I don’t have to watch that AFN crap…still remember the song, though

The five percent surcharge
That’s what it’s for
To make your commissary
A better store!

Here’s the scoop on coupons!

But you know, no matter where I am, or what I’m doing or who I’m with, I always, and I mean always remember to keep the pieces of the OPSEC puzzle out of enemy hands

Hey, were you in Drama or Journalism? Any chance we attended any of those fab conferences together? I did a little FBLA too, but that was just for college aps. UGH.

39

Cable! You guys have cable over there now?!?
Now I’m jealous.

Nope. I didn’t get into writing until well after high school so no Journalism classes for me. The most “exciting” thing I did at Wurzburg was with the band. Our marching band was sent to Budapest, Hungary to play at, get this, the grand opening of the first Exxon station in an eastern block country. LOL. And the worst part was that we were totally upstaged by a guy in a Mickey Mouse costume. (he even got a better hotel then we did)

40

::::smirk::::Ah, yes, I remember those high school trips to Budapest well, Model Nato or UN, I forget which. :wink:

Hey, did you know that Wurzberg has the honor of having the first Taco Bell in Germany? They have a Subway there now, too! And their px is now the MEGAEXCHANGE. And we have not one, but 6 AFN channels now…not that I watch, because as I mentioned before we have cable. Things are so different now…sniff, I kind of miss the old days, back when we had to rough it.