? for the Menfolk, re: Being Whupped

MisterTot gets called p-whipped by his work buddies a lot when he declines an invititation because of family obligations, i.e. me. My question is why is this such an insult…I mean p-whipped is an ugly word, but why must some men put down their friends for honoring their commitment to their family?

Do they ever grow out of it? MisterTot says that this makes him feel bad, like he’s “letting down” his friends. I just don’t understand it, and I’m hoping y’all can explain it to me. IMO, it is unreasonable for his friends to expect that I married father will be able to go out both weekend nights, and frankly, I think it is rude and unfriend-like to insult him like this.

Whether he’s whipped depends on the extent he cancels and why. If the guys say “Lets get some beers after work” on a Friday afternoon and he says “Sorry, I have something to do tonight, can we make it next week?” Nothing wrong, so long as he does have some times he can go, and doesn’t look too disappointed he can’t go. If he never gets to go, and looks like he longs to, he’s whipped. If he just can’t be as spontaneous as a single guy, well, that’s because he isn’t single any more, and can’t be reasonably expected to.
I would say a married father going out with the boys both weekend nights would be quite rare among my friends. PARTICULARLY a father. Kids need time.

Oh, I’d say he goes out with the boys between 2-4 times a month, which seems pretty reasonable to me. Thing is, a lot of his friends are married w/kids and they do go out every weekend, and during the week, too.

I’m wondering if maybe he just meets a lot of jerky people…MisterTot likes everybody* and is a big time people pleaser. While it’s endearing, it can also be frustrating as hell.

He also gets crap from a few of his workmates, because I am a stay at home mother, and while I do bring in income, it’s sporadic. They tell him crap like “your wife needs to get a job, so you can have more money”. Out of the blue, they say this, because they can’t imagine putting something like raising a child over money. So then he’s put in a position of having to defend me, while they criticise him for letting his wife live off of him. WTF?

I’m just wondering if this is common, if other men or women have gone through this. And if so, does it bother them? These are mostly work buddies of MisterTot, so he feels the need not to tell them to fuck off.

Arghhh, damn italics. Oh, and I wanted to clarify this:

That is not intended as a slam to parents who have to or choose to work. This is the best choice for our family and it makes me angry that when people don’t respect that, but it is certainly not the best choice for everybody.

tatertot if you and Mr.Tot are getting along then don’t worry about the rest of the jerks, maybe their just jealous because their homelife isn’t so great. I applaud you for being a stay at home mom. So many kids are getting in trouble because both parents work and the kids lack attention.

If you don’t object to him going out then what’s the problem? To do it every weekend, I don’t think so. Maybe you and Mr. Tot need to go out and have a few laughs. You will be surprised what a difference that would be in your marriage.

Maybe Mr. Tot needs some new friends. Good Luck

Hi, tatertot. I’m sorry to hear that he’s having troubles like that. He’s hanging out with the wrong people, if that’s their attitude. Kids should come first, and I have nothing but admiration for those who place them there. It’s not always easy, I know. For most of my kids’ lives I was a stay at home mom, partially because I felt that being mom was my most important job; and partially because Mr Bear was too often gone with the military. So, by not working outside the home I was always available for him as well, transportation to and from the airport, able to be with him when he was home, etc.

So, IMO, as long as he gets to/wants to go out with the boys several times a month, they have nothing to gripe at him about, and I wouldn’t say he’s a wimp because he says no to going out every weekend night. And, while they may be work buddies of his, that does not give them the right to pick on him for being a responsible husband and father. Maybe it’s time he reminds them of that, politely.

{{{{{{tatertot}}}}}}
{{{{{{tater’s hubby}}}}}}

Sounds like your leash is more of a choke chain.
Even dogs get to take the thing off sometimes.
If you give him some more slack, you woun’t have to be defensive about it when you do make demands.
And don’t forget to take the choke chain off your own neck.
A lot of women go wrong thinking their parents are the model of a close family; they are the model of a close family after 20 years of getting used to each other. They had their pulling-different-ways fights the first few years too. It happens to teams of horses, and also people.

Does your husband work in a blue collar industry? Are his workmates from a lower socio-economic background?

Maybe Mr Tot should be encouraged to stick up for you a bit more. Perhaps he could respond to these yobbos with something like: “My wife is a real woman whose opinions I respect, whose needs I am mindful of, and whose company I treasure. Obviously you losers married doormats.”

Remind him that when the world turns to shit, and everyone deserts you, all you have left is your family.

p-whipped??? pistol-whipped? Can I buy some vowels?

2-4 times a month!?!

Sorry, that seems pretty unreasonable to me. You’ve got to give him some more room, or, he needs to get some balls and either ask to be with the ‘boys’ more or stand up to their insults.

Sounds pretty p-whipped to me.

MisterTot is in the army, I’m wondering if that’s part of the problem? And he’s kind of between a rock and a hard place, because he doesn’t want to offend these people (since he has to work with them for the next year or two). I can certainly understand his dilemna, if not why exactly it hurts his feelings. That’s what y’all are supposed to help me with! :slight_smile:

Re: The stay at home thing, it seems like a lot of women my age get flack for that, both from the men and other women. I just hate having him in a position where he has to defend me. And like I said, these are people that he works with, so he can’t be too rude.

We do go out together, as much as we go out separately. I don’t go with him on these boy’s nights, because frankly, I find them boring and not worth hustling up a sitter for. And I really don’t mind it, since it’s just a few nights a month, I’m just baffled that anyone would give him shit about it.

I’m just really curious if this is a common thing. We’re happy together, but it makes me sad that his so called friends would hassle him about it.

2-4 times a month is about the amount I go out and seriously party, and I’m in college. That’s about once a week, people. I can’t afford to do much more or I will not get my work done. (goodness knows I screw off here enough.)

He’s a daddy, daddies get to do things like go home. Or the good daddies do anyway. My favorite dad was a teacher of mine. He blocked out two hours a day as time for his son. Non negotiable, non movable. Everything else wasignored during those two hours. Meetings for work, social obligations, from 4-6 was Mal’s time and Mal chose what they did. This didn’t make him p-wipped, just a really good dad. Family obligations are a choice, Mr. Tot is choosing to live up to them.

The Tots have a life that they have set up, I think Mr. Tot’s friends need to get one.

His revenge will be in a few years, when he finds that he’s the only one of his group who is still happily married, whose kids still speak to him, who isn’t (nor needn’t be) in AA, and who doesn’t need to start any “wimmens suck” threads.

And anybody who has time to go out more than 2-4 times a month doesn’t have a full-time job, isn’t happily married, and isn’t a particularly good parent of small children.

He needs a better class of friends. Or friends with some class.

tatertot:

The fact that hubby’s in the military explains it all. This situation is very common among married couples in the military.

His buddies are probably all single, so they have no concept of the pressure they’re putting on him or of the responsibilities he has at home. Then there’s the traditional military emphasis on loyalty and uniformity within the team–all the members are taught to be there for each other at all times, including for parties and nights out with the boys. The married guys in the team are sometimes seen as having split loyalties, and pressure is put on them to get with the program and do all the things the team does. Then there’s the general immaturity of many people in the military–servicemen are wards of the state, and the military pretty much looks out for all their needs. All they have left to do is work hard and party hard. That’s enough of a good life for most servicemen, and they can be a disdainful of those who would choose to saddle themselves with additional responsibilities like a wife and children.

And 2-4 nights out with the boys per month is a lot. That’s one night a weekend on most weekends. Add to that all the times hubby has to be away from home on weekends for the occasional deployment, field exercise, guard detail, etc., and I would say that you’re being pretty liberal with him and allowing him a lot of time with the boys.

What to do? First, if he wants to get rid of the “p-whipped” label, he has gotta quit saying, “I have to go home because the wife wants me home tonight.” Instead, he needs to say, “I have to go home because I want to be with my wife and kids tonight.” In other words, he needs to quit pushing the blame onto you and start putting out the message that this is something he wants and is comfortable with.

Second, he needs to convey the message to his buddies that he has obligations and responsibilities to you and the kids, and that he takes these obligations and responsibilities very seriously. This is something his buddies will understand, even if they don’t understand anything else about his situation. Military people understand the need to fulfill obligations and responsibilities, when it is spelled out to them in that language.

Third point (sort of like the first point): he needs to quit apologizing for being married and start conveying to people that married life is better than being single. He needs to say, “I’ve been single, and now I’m married with kids. I prefer being married with kids.” The single guys may not understand this, but if he makes a spirited defense of married life then the single guys will accept that it’s the right thing for him and quit bugging him about it.

Basically, he can’t be all things to all people. He can’t do right by his buddies and be there for them at all times and do right by his family and give them ample time too. He’s married now, and he needs to convey to his friends that this is the life that he wants, and they’re just going to have to accept that he can’t be there full-time for them.

I was single when I was in the military, and I never really understood the married guys and the priorities they set for themselves. Why go home to a wife and kids each evening when you could go out to a stripper bar and get drunk? Still, I respected the married guys who made no bones about the fact that they were married and who didn’t apologize about going home to their wives. In other words, I had the most respect for the guys who handled things exactly as I described in my three points above.

By the way, if he really needs more time with the boys, or if you really need him home on the weekends and need to do some tradeoffs so that he has time with the boys at other times during the week, then give him part of a week night or something. For example, on Wednesday nights he could go for a beer with the boys right after work, do dinner with them, and then still arrive home before 8 pm. His friends might get more of a sense that he’s available for him, and yet you would still have him most of the evening. It’s just a suggestion.

Good luck, tatertot. Service wives experience marital pressures and strains unlike those faced by wives of men in other professions, and I have nothing but admiration for the average service wife who is able to maintain a happy and sane home under those conditions.

I’ve encountered this same attitude before. Once, while meeting for business it was suggested that we retire to a restaurant afterwards. I said, “Fine, but I’ll have to call my lady friend who is at home so she’ll know.” This one guy tries to insinuate that I was acting whipped.

Now let’s look at the guy who made these noises. He was a divorced jerk who eventually went on to defraud another associate of mine for nearly all of his life savings. This guy had all the charm of what you find underneath a donkey’s tail.

In my experience, those who bring up being whipped are losers who do not have any respect for what it takes to build healthy relationships. They are typically chauvinist rectal cavities that view women as unique entertainment appliances and treat them that way.

So, is there really a problem here Mrs. Tot? I don’t see one of any great importance. The only hassle is how your husband needs to balance getting along with these clowns and retaining a sense of dignity about the important people in his life, his family!

If you know that his friends tell him he is pussy whipped for choosing to go home to his wife and kids, that means something a little bit different than it would mean if he was making this post.

He might be really of the opinion that he should not have to give up his buddies and single fun. That’s real common among young dads. It also sucks big time. Letting you know about it is passive aggressive crap, in that case. If he was a “real man” his buddies would have been told you and the kids are better company than they are, and the life he has at home is better than drinking, and throwing up with a bunch of ground pounders on pass. Putting the blame on you is bullshit. The choice is his, either way.

He might be banking up his points with you, by claiming this hardship. Then he gets to trot it out every time he wants to leave you and the kids home, and go do single guy stuff. That sucks too. If being with his wife and children is hardship, he is studying up on being a big time looser in life. He might just make it, and get to be a middle aged barhopping moron, who never gets pussy whipped. Eventually he will get to be a lonely old fart who gets to spend his time wishing the hell he could get pussy whipped.

Or, he might be laughing at them, because they don’t get it, and they aren’t going to get it either. “The boys” spend all their time trying to define what men should do to be “one of the boys.” Men do what they want to do, and what they have a duty to do. They make their own choices, and they own the consequences of those choices. They don’t blame their wives, and they certainly don’t blame their children.

The “boys” spend their lives wondering why they still do the same things they always have done and it isn’t as much fun as it was when they were children. Then they try to get into rehab. And they die alone, wondering why their kids never visit.

Make your own choices, Mr. Tot, and live with them. Really live with them, because the choices will be your life, whichever ones you make. If your time spent with your family isn’t the part of your life you look foreword to the most, you need to make whatever changes it takes to make that happen. Any friend of yours, who objects to that, is no friend of yours.

Tris

tater, I think JTR is right about the military thing. My neighbor was married to an Air Force Pilot who always stopped with the guys whenever they asked. He also had affairs while they were married (and ended up in AA, but long after the divorce).

I think Mr. Tot shows strong character and you can be proud of him. And like dropzone and Zenster say, those guys who harass him are the ones who are either already divorced because of their macho attitudes, or will be ten years down the line when you and Mr. Tot are still happily married.

Just a P.S.

There are plenty of guys in every military unit who have no difficulty getting away at the end of the day and going home to the wife and kids, and who don’t feel the need to party with the guys on the weekends. If the wife is out shopping on Saturday morning and they have a little free time on their hands, they might pop by the barracks and see if anyone wants to get breakfast. In other words, they still are part of the unit and they give their friends time when they have some extra time to give. But they make it clear that the family comes first. No one calls them p-whipped or looks down on them for having other priorities. It’s just understood where they stand, and everyone respects their priorities. Tell hubby to have a talk with one of those guys and see how they do it.

Hmmmm, y’all have a good point about the military lifestyle being somewhat to blame. It might even be a bit worse over here, because all of our neighbors are military and there isn’t much time to go out and cultivate outside friendships.

Honestly, I don’t think MisterTot is blaming me, and the reason I know about these things is because we tell each other pretty much everything. I think it first came up when one of his office buddies actually called me up to ask if Johnny could go out that night, and I questioned him about it. Both of us were really pissed off about that one. It does bother both of us, but really I’m more curious about whether or not this is a common occurance. I would hope not, but I haven’t had much experience in life outside of a military post.

And both of us are very happy with our arrangement. Weeknights are always hectic, as he may or may not be home because of work, but Saturdays are reserved “Daddy and Nicholas day” and Sunday is family day. Weekend nights are free, but we make sure to have one for just us.

Poor MisterTot, he tries so hard to make everybody happy. Lots of baggage from his childhood, but I won’t go into it here…Point is he’s a good husband and father, and I hate that he’s in this position. Perhaps it will get easier for him when he’s older. I hope so.

tatertot,

from your interesting posts, I can see why Mr. tatertot likes to spend time with you :o

I used to see my friend Mike every month (we live about 100 miles apart). Then he settled down with a divorced lady who has a kid. Now I haven’t seen him for over a year, and have to phone him much earlier (because the family goes to bed earlier).

But I am polite, so I don’t call him names :wink: