For those who don't have kids, don't want 'em

In My Humble Opinion
21

Have you always known you don’t want kids?
I’m honestly still a little up in the air as to whether or not I’ll have kids. Right now I’m leaning towards no. I’ve also never been that enraptured by kids the way other people are. I don’t coo over babies, or pinch little kids’ cheeks. I do, however, love dogs and try to meet as many of them as I possibly can.

Do you like kids?
See a bit of the above answer. Kids are fine when they’re behaving themselves, and not causing me undue stress or annoyance. I find some stories about my step-niece and nephew amusing, but when I spent some time with them I was frankly exhausted and I like being a little more remote. But hey, Christmas is kind of a stressful time for anyone.

Why don’t you want children?
Like others who posted, I’m a little selfish. I’m also 27. Right now I cannot forsee a time when I’ll be ready to have children (having a larger home, a stable job, money saved up for kid expenses, someone to share in the raising of children). I am also terrified of the state of being pregnant. Well, maybe not terrified like Aliens where something strange is inside you trying to burst out, but a little distressed in the sense that I don’t want the responsibility of growing a human being inside me right now.

Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older?
Since I’ve not made my mind up completely as to whether or not I’ll have children, I am obviously considering the ramifications of a decision either way.

What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children?
Advantages of not having children:
I can do what I want, when I want (my fiscal irresponsibilities don’t affect anyone else; I can go on trips whenever I feel like it).
Less bodily fluids expelled in my general direction.
I already have all the stretch marks I want.

Disadvantages of not having children:
Missing out on a unique bond with another human being who is part me.
Lingering sense of curiosity as to what that child would be like.
I have some names I really like that won’t work so well on pets.
My mother might be really pissed off with me.

Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have
or want children?
I think in general women are more chastized and patronized when they declare they don’t want to have children. The declaration that “I don’t want to have kids” is often met with spluttering amazement, as if I am considering not cooking chicken until the juice runs clear. I get the whole "you’ll change your mind when you get pregnant argument from several male friends (not so much from the ladies); and in response I echo DeniseV’s answer that it’s a huge risk to take.

22

Have you always known you don’t want kids?

Not in any definitive way. It’s more that having children was never on my radar screen. When imagining life as a grownup, I never imagined children.

Do you like kids?

Not really. I didn’t like kids even when I was one. I preferred being around adults. Over time, I have come to see the value of having children, and to love the ones I know, but I don’t want any myself.

Why don’t you want children?

I don’t want the responsibility of them. As the oldest of five kids, I had an unusually intense pseudo-parental role with my siblings, and I suppose I have just had my fill of parenting.

Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older?

Sometimes, but only because people keep suggesting that I will. For my part, I can’t imagine what level of regret being child-free could bring me that having children couldn’t also bring in its own way.

What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children?

The obvious advantage is just freedom to live as I please.
I think that since most hetero men want/expect to have children, it can make dating and getting into a relationship a bit challenging.

Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have or want children?

Well, I’m not sure that my culture holds the monopoly on this, but with black people, deliberately not having children is seen as simply not being normal, for the most part. I think that reproducing ourselves is looked at as a way of supporting and continuing our culture in a world that is hostile to it.

23

Have you always known you don’t want kids?

No, when I was younger - through my late teens and up until I was probably about 25 or so, I always figured I would have them. Looking back, I’m not sure how much I really wanted them, but it just seemed a fact of life.

Do you like kids?

I love them - I grew up in a huge family and had a happy, privledged childhood. Now I have a lot of neices and nephews, all of whom I adore to no end. I also volunteer with deaf children locally, which I’ve done for at least 10 years.

Why don’t you want children?

Mostly, I don’t want to change my life from how it is. My husband and I both travel a lot, and we’re very aware of our ‘freedom’ and lifestyle. I’m still sponsored partially (for surfing), he still competes, and having a child would end that part of my life, and really be a burden for him. We have what we want, can afford to do what we wish, and the amount of change required to have children of our own seems to outweigh the benefit. Our feeling that way makes it seem just ridiculous to have children, even when the occasional primordial urge strikes to reproduce (those are few and far between, but they happen.)

I also wonder if part of the reason is I have many friends who married and had babies at age 20, and went through trainwreck lifes for years afterwards. A lot of my college friends got pregnant, dropped out, married, and are now single parents working at horrible jobs. My sister has a daughter from her first marriage, ended up divorced while pregnant and lived with me until her daughter was 4, so watching how much she struggled to get back on her feet had to have affected me. I wouldn’t be in either of those situations, but I’m sure it still plays a part in how I feel. I know people who have it a lot better, but the tough stories seem to sit more on my mind.

Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older?

Sometimes. Not usually, but I’d be lying if I said I was sure I wouldn’t. My husband feels the same way, as this is something we’ve discussed at length many times.

What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children?

Main advantage is the ability to lead a much more carefree life, as I mentioned before. I really don’t know too many things I view as a disadvantage. A lot of the reasons I’m told to have children - too look after you when you’re old, to experience passing along genes, etc, haven’t appealed to me.

Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have or want children?

I don’t think so, but I get my share of “when are you two going to have kids”, and a lot of “Why?” when we say we probably won’t, but I’ve never been given much of a speech from anyone trying to convince me otherwise. I think I’m just lucky there, because I know a lot of people who’ve been put through the ringer for that decision from extended family. My family is hugely supportive, my parents tease us about wanting more grandbabies (they have 10 now and a few on the way), but they aren’t at all judgmental. His mom is a little more eager for us to start a family, but not at all pushy about it, either.

24

Actually, I think I’d prefer the Alien that bursts out of you cause then you’re dead and you’re not stuck with the critter for 18 years…:smiley:

25

**Have you always known you don’t want kids[\B]? I thought I did until I was about sixteen because I was supposed to want kids, but then I realized I didn’t have to do what I was supposed to do.:smiley:

**Do you like kids?[\B] Funny question. I own a large toy store. I have to like kids to an extent and I do, but I’m always glad to see them leave with their parents.

**Why don’t you want children?[\B] I don’t think that my and Mr. X’s genes are so friggin’ wonderful that we should procreate and add to the already overcrowded population. If I really felt I “needed” a child, I would adopt a “hard to place” child or go adopt more animals from the pound (to save a life). Also, the world is so much more dangerous than when I was a kid - why would I want to bring a new life into that?

**Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older?[B\] Anything is possible, but no, I really don’t think so.

**What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children?[\B] Advantage: freedom and no stress of messing up my kids. Disadvantage: who will I leave my jewelry to? No, really. :smiley:

**Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have or want children?[\B] Not really. I’m tired of the questions about why we don’t have kids yet, when we’re going to start, etc., but mostly I think people don’t care mostly because they are too caught up in their own kids.

26

Have you always known you don’t want kids?
It was never a goal, and never really something I thought about. I was mostly neutral about it growing up and in my 20s; my attitude was “I’ll consider it if the circumstances are right.” They were never right, so I never really had to consider it further. In my early/mid 30s I reached the conclusion that I didn’t want them and really wouldn’t consider it; I don’t want to be raising a teenager when I’m in my 50s/60s.

**Do you like kids? **
I like (some) older kids, if they’re smart and well-behaved, and they (mostly) seem to like me. I base this on my interactions with my nieces and nephews and friends’ kids. I tend to talk with older kids the same as I do with adults. Infants hold considerably less interest for me than puppies or kittens. When they get to be a few months old, they’re a little more fun, as long as the parents are around to take care of them.

Why don’t you want children?
Because I like the freedom and life-style that a child-free life provides me. Also, I have enough health problems that I don’t know if I could handle the pregnancy.

Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older?
Nope.

What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children?
Advantage - freedom, independence, more disposable income.
Disadvantage - fewer deductions on my tax return.

Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have or want children?
Slightly, for many of the same reasons that others have already mentioned.

27

**Have you always known you don’t want kids? **

Yes.

**Do you like kids? **

Not particularly. I can take them in limited doses.

**Why don’t you want children? **

I’m too goddamned selfish to put someone else first. And I like being able to pick up and go when I want, to not have to worry about whether the kid is being properly taken care of…Plus my house is a disaster without childish help, thanks.

**Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older? **

No. The only regret I’ve had about it is that my father would desperately like grandchildren, but I’m not about to risk pregnancy just to please him, no matter how much I love him.

**What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children? **

The main disadvantage is having to hear well-meaning nitwits say, “But isn’t your biological clock going off?”

The main advantages are mentioned above.

Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have or want children?

I think that my culture can be so prejudiced. However, despite my not wanting children of my own my philosophy has always been ‘Family first’ - so if a co worker has an ill child they should take care of that child. Similarly, when my father had his heart attack and I needed to go down and help my mother, my job was very understanding.

28

I forgot one thing - a good friend always says “I’ll have kids when I want a kid more than I want a new sub-woofer.” Sums things up nicely, I think.

29

In a social way, yes. People are often surprised about others who have never married or had children, and I think a lot of people suspet something is deeply wrong with those who choose to spend their lives in ways other than the traditional. I am so very tired of being told that “I may say that now…”, and “Oh, you’re so young, just you wait…” It’s good to know the workings of my mind are so plain to complete strangers. :rolleyes: I don’t want to offend anyone, because I respect whatever choice people make for themselves, but I’ve always hated those women who are little more than broodmares, slinging their dirty, squalling children around town, with such haggard faces and such angry attitudes. I laugh when I see them and think about all the people who tell me how wonderful life would be if I’d only have kids. And I’m also terrified of becoming one of them, shackled to children I resent, trapped in a life I hate because of foolish choices, or ignorance, or both, and now consigned to a bitter, thankless existence. I can’t imagine a worse fate.

30

Have you always known you don’t want kids?
Always. I never liked children, have always been firend with people older than myself, and loathed dolls growing up.

Do you like kids?
Not in theory. I occasionally like a specific child.

Why don’t you want children?
Don’t like 'em. I also don’t think my lifestyle is right for children.

Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older?
No, but I am sick of this question.

What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children?
I can move as often as I want, work as much as I want, and not worry about having to take care of someone. I think that children are a huge responsibility. If you have a child, you need to take care of it. I’m not up to that. Although my mother thinks I am.

Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have or want children?
I don’t think I can speak for culture as a whole, but both of my grandmothers certainly are…
Everytime I tell someone I don’t want children, they say, “Oh, you’ll change your mind later.” My usual reply is “I haven’t in the past twenty-one years, I kind of doubt it.”

31

I love children. I wish I lived closer to my neice and nephews so I could be a bigger part of their lives, but I’ve never wanted children of my own. Even as a child I said I wouldn’t have kids when I grew up. Some of this may be from being the youngest–as the spoiled brat, I have little reason to give up my place in the family to my own kids, I get enough competition from the neices and nephews. Some might be from a deep belief that children do better if a parent is around a lot, i.e. a stay-at-home parent until the kids are in school, and a part-time worker (so they can be home when the kids are home) when the kids are school aged. I grew up in a time when few men would ever consder taking this role, and I didn’t feel up to it. If I had wanted kids, or married a man who wanted kids (and met my rather high standards of potential to be a good dad), then this belief would have been tested against reality. Some may have been the culture I grew up in–I’m the second edge of the women’s lib generation. It was still unusual for women to go for a career instead of marriage, although it was being done more and more, so without having to fight too much for them I had more options (and it helped to be raised by a woman who just assumed I’d do whatever it was I wanted to do, regardless of gender roles). But I didn’t decide not to have kids based on some feminist agenda, I just never wanted them, and the woman’s movement meant I didn’t get as much pressure about it. I don’t think there’s a deep psychological reason why I don’t want children–I had a wonderful childhood and am still very close to my mother, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I’m 41 and I haven’t regretted the decision yet. Sometimes I do worry about not having a family when I’m older–I have sisters, but will we all still want to have Christmas together when we’re 75 (and 77, 84 and 87)? Of course, I’m still figuring on meeting Mr. Right, and if he had kids I’d love a place in their lives (the ideal–older children, so limited stepmom angst, with grandkids in a few years–spoil 'em and send 'em home, just like I do with my neice and nephews). But heck, even if I had kids, we might end up not liking each other, or they could move across the country, so there’s no guarantee of a family holiday there, either.

Like Ruffian I can’t put this in terms of advantages/disadvantages. I’ve been able to re-locate with out disrupting a family, but I’d hardly stack that against the blessing of watching my child sleep safe and protected, or sharing the joy of finally getting how the ‘knock-knock’ jokes work.

I’ve recieved very little pressure to marry and have kids–but I have an extraordinary family. I see more of a bias against letting men truely be part of their children’s lives than I see one against childless people. I do get tired of people thinking I ‘gave up’ havign children becasue I wanted to work–had I been independently wealthy and able to spend all my days going to the theater and reading, I still wouldn’t have eanted kids, so I didn’t give up anything. Plus, no one assumes a man gave up having a family in order to suceed at a career, nor are they accused of ‘wanting it all’ when they do both. Men really ought to stand up for their rights and say “We want kids and we want to be a part of their lives, so screw the business trip, I’m going to kindergarten play, I’m staying with them when they’re sick and I still want the promotion!”

32

Have you always known you don’t want kids?

I don’t know that I would say “always,” but anytime I was in a serious dating relationship and the issue came up, I was at best ambivalent. My wife and I discussed it extensively before we were married (11 years ago next week!) and we came to the conclusion that neither of us wanted them.

Do you like kids?

I don’t dislike them, exactly, and I love my two nephews and my niece. I like being part of their lives, and I like talking with them and hearing about them and seeing them grow up. But I honestly don’t like being around kids very much. I find it hard to get excited about other people’s pregnancies (both my bossand my wife’s boss are pregnant right now), and I don’t generally find stories about people’s kids entertaining, just because there is a certain sameness to child development that you can only hear so many times before it’s no longer interesting. I realize it’s a new experience for that particular parent, but I just can’t get into it.

Why don’t you want children?

Because I do not think I would be a good father.

Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older?

Who knows? Maybe. I certainly feel comfortable with my decision now and for the foreseeable future. There is a certain curiousity about what kind of freak show would result from my and my wife’s DNA, but not that much.

What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children?

The responsibility. I can barely be responsible for me! But I kid. The main advantage is a certain freedom, I think. I’m not completely without responsibilities – we have pets, and if we want to travel or whatever, we have to make certain they are cared for. But I don’t think I could handle the responsibility of a child, and I’m glad I do not have it.

Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have or want children?

In some ways, yes, I do. Especially in the corporate culture, childless employees are expected to work extra time so that parents don’t have to. And it’s not that I don’t understand the reasoning behind it, but I do sometimes resent that my interest in spending time with my wife is not considered as legitimate as other people spending time with their children. My wife is my family, just as much as their children are theirs.

Outside of that, I don’t think there’s a general prejudice. People in our peer group seem to understand our decision better than people of older generations, though.

33

**Have you always known you don’t want kids? **

No- my husband and I tried to get pregnant for about 9 months, then my physician advised us to stop trying because of my back. When we stopped trying, we then decided that we were glad we didn’t get pregnant because that would really not fit in with the lifestyle we lead.

** Do you like kids? **

Depends- no more or less then adults. I can’t stand screamy, whiny kids like the ones we witnessed the other night getting ice cream, but I like the good ones. Same with adults.

** Why don’t you want children? **

My husband is a professional musician and will be going on the road a lot, and I’m going to school for psychology. I don’t think we could give a child a stable home with the lives we live.

**Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older? **

No, not at all. The decision is made, and I don’t think of it much anymore.

**What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children? **

The freedom. Want to go to a movie? We go. Want to go sing karaoke? Go. How about twice in a week? Go twice. Vacations? Only pay for 2. Sleep late. Stay up late. Make noise. Have sex where you want and when. The freedom of it just being us is very liberating.

**Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have or want children? **

I have not yet run across any trouble because I do not have children, nor has Allan, except the rude people who will poke into your business asking “When are YOU two having children?” luckily, they’re shut up quickly when Allan says “Never. Next topic!”

Zette

34

Have you always known you don’t want kids?
I never thought much about it for a long time, then became occupied with so many other things that I wouldn’t be willing to give them up in order to have kids. I’m nearly 37 and I don’t hear any biological clock ticking away. Maybe I don’t have a clock.

do you like kids?
I like them fine. I babysit them all the time. I enjoy giving them back to their folks after the time is done. And I just spent my last few trips to Lost Wages entertaining my cousin’s two young kids in a van all the way there and back. But again, the parents get to take them home, not me.

Why don’t you want children?
I’ve done enough caregiving, babysitting, dogsitting, catsitting, housesitting, and eldersitting already. Too much work, and it would prevent me from devoting time to other things I’d rather do. Also, I have no partner to help me out.

are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older?
Nope.

What do you see as the main advantage/disadvantage of not having children?
I can save more money, keep things relatively clean and organized, and not have the constant worry and responsibility.
On the negative side, I have to hope that my nieces and my cousin’s kids will remember all the time I spent with them and will spend some time with me when I’m older—not that there’s any guarantee that all kids will visit their folks in the nursing home…but I am hopeful.

Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (esp. married people) who don’t have or want children?
Sort of, in that some people just can’t seem to accept what I see as an extremely private and personal decision. And it bothers me that so many aspects of life now seem to be totally centered around kids. I am totally with bobkitty on this point.

35

Have you always known you don’t want kids?
No, I used to think it was my life’s purpose to have at least half a dozen. Seriously, I even picked out names (8 in all, in case I decided to have more). I put a lot of thought into how to raise them correctly, thought about it all the time.
Then I woke up one morning and realized I don’t like kids.

Do you like kids?
Not really. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate children, but I’m not fond of them either.
Why don’t you want children?
1-I like having the freedom. I mean, I never do anything wild, but it’s like to have that option.
2-I’m going to school and then I plan on having a career–no sense in spending thousands and htousands of dollars on school so I can start popping out kids.
3-I wouldn’t make a good mom. I’m impatient and mean and moody. Also, the responsibility of owning a cat is enough to freak me out. Seriously, every time I think about how long my cats might live, I panic.
4-My childhood was horrible. I can’t think of a single positive thing about my childhood. And I honestly cannot, in good conscience, put another person through that hell. I know it won’t be exactly the same, but if 2 losers have a baby, the child will likely be a loser too. I can’t justify 18 years of hell for any reason.
5-Scared of turning into my mother. Like with reason 4, I can’t even take the chance of putting another person through that.

Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older?
No, not really. Though I think my husband wants kids eventually, so thinks might get hairy.

What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children?
Advantage-Freedom
Disadvantage–Sometimes I still think about how I would like to raise a child. what type of values and morals I’d teach them. Takeing them to museums, reading to them, etc.

Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have or want children?
shrugs I think some people just don’t understand and so push the subject too much, but I don’t think there is a prejudice.

36

Well, you could always answer: “Well, it did for a while, but I finally wanted to go back to sleep, so I threw it againest the wall. Hasn’t bothered me since”.

37

Have you always known you don’t want kids?

Pretty much since I was about 10 or so.

Do you like kids?

Not really. I like babies as long as they’re someone else’s and I can give them back. Age 2 1/2 through about 9, can’t stand the little rats, unless they’re my relatives and I have to put up with them.

Why don’t you want children?

Don’t want to change my lifestyle.
Don’t want to put my body through that.
Afraid of ending up with a retarded mutant because of all the drugs I’ve done.
Don’t want the responsibility.
Don’t like kids.
Don’t want to bring a child into this crappy world.

Are you afraid you will regret this decision when you get older?

I’m about at the end of my fertile years although I still feel like I’m 23.
Yes, I am afraid I’ll regret it, but this fear is not outweighed by the above reasons.

What do you see as the main advantage / disadvantage of not having children?

Advantage: do what I want without having to be responsible for another life
Disadvantage: not passing on these wonderful genes.

**Do you feel that your culture is prejudiced against people (asp. married people) who don’t have or want children? **

No.

38

A dissenting voice checking in here. I have a 3 month old son, and before he was born, I would have identified with all the naysayers here - Lazy? Check. Selfish? Yup. Materialistic? Ill take two. But believe me, changing nappies, wiping bums, being thrown up on and having my sleep life shot to hell all included, there is no feeling on earth to compare with the sheer joy I get when he smiles to see me - and dont tell me you can get that from your pets.

39

Ack! I was all prepared to smile and say, “that’s nice–for you,” until you threw the pet thing in.

Why in blazes do people not understand that pets fill you with incredible love and joy? Just watching my cats fill me with wonder and love, and watching Minnie (my boyfriend’s big black goofy dog) bound up to the truck when we pull in makes me want to squeeze the stuffing out of her.

Sincerely, my cats are one of the very few reasons I’m alive today. Please don’t knock the intense feeling many of us have for our ‘critters.’

40

Seems a good opportunity to make a point which I’ve never seen mentioned anywhere else.

I hear lots of people discussing whether they want kids or not. I’ve never heard a single person discuss whether kids would want them.

It seems to me that some people make great parents. And that a lot of people make lousy parents (and let’s not even mention examples like that ‘woman’ who recently killed her kids by leaving them in a hot car while she went to get her hair done).

I’ve often been puzzled as to why some people assume, unquestioningly, that they are fit to be someone’s mother or father. It seems to me to be a very demanding role, that some people are going to handle better than others. I’m surprised more people don’t feel or express concern about their own fitness for the job.

When I was a lot younger, I knew I would never have children or want to, but it also crossed my mind that even if I did want them, I would probably choose not to on the basis that I’m not entirely sure I’d make a good father, and I wouldn’t want someone else to be a guinea-pig for my experiment, my ‘finding out’ whether I’m a good Dad or not. By the time I’ve found out, I might have given someone a really lousy start in life and a whole load of bad examples to unlearn.

In modern society, we often test for suitability. Before you can legally drive a car, you have to prove some basic competence. Before you can teach children in a school, you have to prove some kind of basic skills for the job (except here in England, where anyone can be a teacher even if they are thick, lazy, ignorant, hate the job and hate kids, because that’s how we run the education ‘system’ here). Yet for parenting, the most challenging job in the world, most everyone seems to just ‘assume’ that because they want kids, kids will want them as a parent.

I realise it has to be this way, and no society would or could ever introduce some sort of ‘test’ to weed out those who would make lousy parents. In fact we even allow people who have proved and demonstrated beyond doubt that they are terrible parents to have as many kids as they wish.

But it still puzzles me.