“Bad luck and extreme misfortune will haunt your pathetic soul for all eternity.”
-as seen on Rocko’s Modern Life. I quote that every time I open a fortune cookie. 
The strangest:
“The secret to success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside you” :eek:
One of the most specific:
“You will become an accomplished writer” 
Recent one that made me go hmmmmmm:
“You may find your horizons suddenly broadened”
A threat? Or telling me that I shouldn’t have eaten quite so much of the buffet?
From paraphrased from Terry Pratchett’s “Interesting Times”
‘Help! Help! I’m stuck on this machine and can’t get …’
Rincewind: “That’s funny, it ends in a red stain”