Friend calls constantly. Any suggestions?

[DavidwithanR]

@Voyager

Then maybe he’ll get the message. It is a lot more subtle than not answering.

I don’t see a value in this kind of subtlety in this particular situation. I think telling the constant caller what’s going on is going to work better.

What I mean is, I don’t agree that he will get any message at all, from hints or subtlety.

[skyr]

Sad situation. I think the best way to approach this is to try to address the root cause: he’s desperately lonely.
Does he have any religious beliefs? Maybe you can help him get connected with a local church that does outreach to the elderly?
If he seems depressed, maybe you can encourage him to call a Warm line to talk to someone?

Warmlines

Maybe you can find a charity near him that arranges for friendly visitors to the elderly?
There are still people who like sending snail mail. Perhaps some of the people on this site could send your friend some encouraging and positive postcards or something?

[Broomstick]

@Beckdawrek

You say he’s repetitive? That sounds like early-ish dementia.

@Jeff_Lichtman

I agree with Beckdawrek. The repetitive calls could be a sign of dementia.

Am I the only person weirded out by strangers diagnosing dementia over the internet?

I’m in the camp that it sounds more like desperation than anything else.

@Voyager

Then maybe he’ll get the message. It is a lot more subtle than not answering.

The emotionally desperate are motivated to NOT get the message.

[kayaker]

I do not like talking on the phone, so I do not. Calls go to voicemail where my message explains that I prefer texting. People have learned. There are occasionally people who leave the voicemail message “call me”. I send them a text.

My gf’s brother loves talking on the phone, but even he eventually figured out that I wasn’t going to answer, even if he left a voicemail about " just got a quick question, it’s difficult to explain". I’d reply by text, “so, what’s the question?”

It works for me.

[Hari_Seldon]

@elbows

Answer your phone only when you actually want to talk. Period. Any other advice is probably worthless if you cannot do this much for yourselves.

If/when he speaks to you about possibly avoiding his calls be honest with him. You love him, care for him, really want to be there for him, he matters very much to you both. Explain your deep caring causes his repetitive lamenting of his woes to border now on exhausting you both emotionally. You care deeply, you want nothing more than to help him out and listen with attentiveness and interest but unfortunately feel you must limit contact to what you yourselves can handle. Compassion fatigue is real, your mental health is important if you’re to be a support system for him, which is very important to you. Apologize that you cannot be available to share his burdens two and three times a day, but you’d very much like to be available for the long game, and you can only beg his understanding that it must be this way, so you avoid burning out yourselves.

Good Luck!

Excellent advice. He often starts out by saying he is sorry to bother me, but listen to what has happened now. He has not called today so maybe he realizes that four times is too much. The fourth call actually had moderately good news and he was anxious to share it.

Yes, he is depressed. With reason. That is not the same as suffering depression. He is not religious and would not react at all well to any suggestion that he go to shul. It is really a sad case and when she dies he will likely go to pieces all at once since the only thing that keeps him going is visiting her and fighting with the nursing home personnel.

[DavidwithanR]

The man needs to go to SOMETHING. If shul is the wrong answer, then that’s understandable. But he needs something to enjoy or benefit from, that isn’t you.