Friend to hold NYE party same night as mine; invites same people…rude or what? (long)

The BBQ Pit
1

Please tell me if I am over-reacting here. I am so damn mad I can hardly stand it!

My best friend is being such a dick. Let’s call him B. B and I have been best friends for 15 years. He’s just like a brother to me. We have spent ever new year’s eve together for as long as I can remember…

As new year’s eve was approaching this year, there seemed to be nothing going on, so I decided to step in and organize/host a new year’s gathering. Basically I would have everyone over to my house for drinks and hors d’oeuvres, then we would all walk up the street to my neighborhood Irish pub and ring in the new year there with some good beer and live Irish music. So I sent out an invite to a small group of friends, and most people responded yes, including my best friend B.

One of the invitees, who is a mutual friend of ours who we’ll call S, didn’t respond yet, and today I get an e-mail from her saying she is going to host a party at her house, and she invited several of the same people I invited. It irritated me a bit, because she and a few others won’t be at my party, but it was OK since all the really important people who I wanted to be with would be at my party, including my best friend B.

Then B writes me and suggests I:

I told him no, I did not want to combine my parties because 1) I planned the party first and want to have it at my house and 2) It wouldn’t be right to ask all my other friends–the ones who are coming to my party–to change their plans and go to someone else’s party with me.

So B writes back and says:

I wrote him back saying in part:

I guess you could say I am pretty hurt here, because B is my best friend and I was really looking forward to spending the new year with him. Now, our friend turns around and plans a party at her house the same night she knows I planned a party, invites many of the same people, and now he’s going to leave my party early to go to hers. That is making me feel so shitty!

Am I over-reacting here, or is what they did indeed rude? Please tell me your honest opinion.

Just in case you are wondering, no, there is nothing romantic going on between B and S, so that wouldn’t count as any kind of excuse.

2

I don’t see any reason for you not to be mad.

Don’t give B too much flack about going to both parties though. Let him do both if he wants - unless you were looking for a midnight kiss or something. Either way tooling around Northern VA going from party to party will be no Swiss Picnic for him, especially if he needs to go through the mixing bowl.

3

New Year’s Eve party-hopping is a long and honorable tradition. I wouldn’t sweat it too much. I don’t think S is necessarily being rude, and I think you may be over-reacting a bit to B, especially since the party is not going to spend the big countdown at your house.

4

I think you were wrong to be rude to B about wanting to go to both parties, and you owe him an apology. Uninviting someone to a party because they can’t stay as long as you want is pretty obnoxious, in my opinion. He’s been invited to two parties on the same night by his friends, and after trying to find a way to combine them, he is splitting his time to be at both events.

It’s understandable that you’re frustrated about S having a party that competes with yours, but that’s the problem of having a party on New Year’s Eve – sometimes multiple people are going to have parties. S may have been planning to have one for a while and just hadn’t gotten around to announcing it. You can’t expect her to cancel it just because you announced yours first. Either just have a party with fewer attendees, or combine yours with hers.

5

ACK no! I’m not expecting a midnight kiss from him! I’ve already got someone else lined up for that! :smiley:

But my main point is that my feelings are hurt that he would rather spend new year’s eve at another party considering: 1) I planned my party first, 2) he already accepted my invite, 3) we have been doing NYE together probably for the past 7 or 8 years, it’s a tradition. And not to mention that he is being a dickhead about the whole thing.

He knows it means a lot to me to have him there. And the truth is, S probably couldn’t give a rat’s ass if he shows up to her party…so…

6

I’d be pretty angry, too…
The only thing there is left to consider is that “B’s” urge to try and please everyone is stronger than his urge to please just you. Maybe he’s sure you’re going to get over it at some point, so making you a little angry in the meantime is acceptable damage? I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but with the given information, sans any mitigating circumstances, here’s your backup. Be as pissed as you want, and seriously consider whether or not being friends is as important to him as it is to you.
I hope your New Year doesn’t begin like this and stay that way.

7

Not to belittle the situation or anything, but if S is going to throw a New Year’s Eve party, my guess is it’s going to be on the same night as your NYE party. It’s not like she can reschedule the coming of the new year to, say, February.

You say there’s nothing romantic between B and S. Are you sure? Perhaps there’s nothing romantic yet…

8

In my anger, maybe I was rude, but he was being rude too. Don’t you think it is obnoxious for someone–your very best friend no less–to cut out of your long-planned party to go to another one…one that was just announced two days before the fact?

FYI, no, she wasn’t planning her party for a long time. It was just decided yesterday, after I had sent out my invite to everyone who later on invited to her party. About combining the parties…sure I could do that, but why do I have to bring all my invitees to her house? Since I planned my party first, why doesn’t she bring her party to my house? That is what is making me mad. And I never ever said I expected her to cancel her party. I really don’t care if she comes…it was my best friend who I was upset about.

9

I don’t want S to reschedule the party! I just want B to attend my party as he said he would in the first place.

YES I am sure there is nothing romantic. Like I said, S probably wouldn’t really care either way if he came to her party, because they are not nearly as close as we are (15 years of being best friends as opposed to about 2 years of casual friendship?)

10

I’m not going to get over it. I am sick of this shit that he always pulls on me. I do everything and anything for him. I would never do something like this to him. He knows this hurts my feelings and angers me, but he acts like he just doesn’t care.

You’re right, this is the last straw that is making me reconsider if he is able to be as good a friend to me as I am to him. In my philosophy, I expect to get back as much as I give. And as much as I give to him, I think this is a small thing he could do for me. But if he would rather go to S’s party and break our tradition of spending new year’s together, then I guess that speaks a lot about how he feels about our friendship. It’s the whole principle of the matter. You just don’t ditch out on your best friend’s party to go to another one that you were invited to later. That’s just wrong.

11

The whole thing sounds like BS to me…

B is free to go to any party to which he’s invited. Accepting an invitation to a party does not generally obligate one to stay at that party for any length of time. I think it’s rather childish of you to get this angry over someone’s planning a New Year’s Eve party on New Year’s Eve. If you’re unwilling to combine the parties (and if you’re leaving your house to go to a pub, what do you care if the pre-pub activities are at your house or not) then be happy to spend the time with whoever chooses to show up. Rescinding invitations because someone accepts another invitation for later the same evening is not adult behaviour.

12

I think you’re kind of over-reacting. Would it be awful to do what B suggested, and invite a bunch of people over to your place, then swing over to S’s for the rest of the evening? You are already planning to pack up and go elsewhere, doesn’t seem like such a big deal to me.

13

I’m sorry, but this is overreacting, and it’s rude. You owe B an immediate, unconditional apology.

You could’ve asked him nicely to be with y’all at midnight. “That’s a shame,” you could’ve said. “I was really looking forward to ringing in the New Year with you, B. Any chance I could get you to reconsider? I’ll buy the first round, and next year we can both go to S’s party!”

Instead, when B presented a perfectly acceptable compromise, you responded nastily to him. At this point you don’t really have the option to beg him for his company; you gotta apologize and take your lumps, and hope he doesn’t dump you as a friend for freaking out at him.

My guess is that people are obligated to be at an entire social event only if it’s semiformal: you don’t get to skip out early on a wedding, or even on a dinner party, if you’ve not told the host ahead of time what you’ll be doing. But your party is decidedly informal, if everyone is going to be migrating down to the pub after awhile.

Apologize, and hope that B will still come to the first part of your party after you’ve apologized, and be gracious and wonderful to him and all your guests.

Daniel

14

Why not just combine the parties? I know its a bit of a pisser if someone holds a party the same night as yours and invites the same people, but I have been in that posistion and it can be really awkward to get out of an obligation to someone elses party. Consider this: you are anoyed that A is splitting his time between the two parties, so just imagine that everyone invited to both parties could incur the wrath of both you and S. Why not, for the sake of all your mates being together just capitulate and combine both parties - hey presto, you got one banging party! It has got to be better than two tepid parties with a bunch of people running between the two for fear of upsetting either host. My suggestion is to be the better man/woman? and combine the two for the good of the many, I know it might suck a bit now but i’m sure when the party gets started and the bevvy starts flowing it’ll all come good. I think B is being a bit tight by bumping you but I can see his predicament, put yourself in his shoes for a moment and think how you would fell. Hope it all turns out well and happy Noo Year!

15

I think you’re overreacting as well. B is coming to your party. It’s not like he’s blowing it off. He’s not even leaving until you all go to the pub anyway!

So I guess I don’t understand why you’re so upset he’s not coming, when he is. He’s just not staying all night.

Traditions are nice, and long term friendships are invaluable, but you have to understand that things and priorities change. How old are you all, if you don’t mind me asking? This sounds really high school to me. If you are all adults, then you have every right to do what you want to do on NYE. So does B.

Think about it. Would you rather have him come to your party, then head to S’s later and enjoy himself or stay at your party for the whole thing and resent you for guilt tripping him into it?

No offense, but you’re sounding horribly immature.

16

Thank you for the feedback, everyone. I admit it is a difficult situation, but nevertheless, my feelings are still hurt. Can you really blame me for that?

Several people suggested combining the parties. I really don’t want to do this. I want to host my party. Several of the people who I have invited to my party don’t know S and her crowd, and it would be somewhat awkward to change my party plans at the last minute to drag them to S’s. Plus there’s the fact that I just don’t want to go to S’s house. I don’t really like her parties too much, they are too college-esque, if you know what I mean. (Lots of drinking games, drunken-ness and debauchery, and not a lot of good intellectual conversation.)

Left Hand, why should I act like it doesn’t bother me when it sincerely hurts my feelings? Why should I have to revamp the entirety of my plans because someone planned a party on the same night and invited many of the same invitees?

lezlers, we are 28, FYI. I can see how this may sound inmature to you. But isn’t there something to be said for the loyalty of a best friend? The fact that this party means A LOT to me, and having him there at the new year means A LOT to me, because we are best friends. I just don’t understand why many of you think it is wrong/inmature of me to be upset that he is backing out on our plans. Why is being upset that your best friend chooses to go to another party so bad??

17

No, not really. I’ve had multiple friends holding New Year’s parties before and just attended each one for a few hours. My decision about how to spend my time was not a sign of how much I valued each friend, or whose party was more important.

I think you’re turning this into a big friendship test power play, and it’s a mistake. The fact that B tried to first find a way to spend the whole evening with you is a sign that he values your friendship. The fact that he’s coming to the part of the party you’re hosting in your home is another sign. The fact that you are trying to demand that he prove his friendship by staying at your party the entire evening is bullshit emotional blackmail and is not something a friend does. I really think you owe him an apology.l

B wants to go to S’s party. Fact is, ducking out before everyone goes to the pub is a natural transition point to head over there. Stop being a dick about it and either graciously accept that he won’t be at the pub with you, or change your plans so you can all be together.

18

He’s not choosing to go to another part instead of yours, he’s choosing to go to another party in addition to yours. B’s compromise was a good one.

As an aside, I wouldn’t want to go to a bar on New Year’s Eve and it’s no longer a “party” (unless you’re renting the bar exclusively) once you go to a bar, IMO.

B seems like a reasonable person, S seems reasonable (as someone else said: “It’s New Year’s Eve. When do you want S to have her party?”. ) You, I’m sorry to say, are coming across as a spolied, possibly psycho jilted lover (I am NOT saying you are, but that’s how it reads to me).

I understand what you’ve said and I’m not trying to diminish your hurt, but at the same time, IMO, you’re not coming across well. I don’t think it’s immature to be upset at being disappointed, or hurt or upset, but I do think it’s immature to have a big ol’ melt-down at your ‘best friend of seven years’ and reconsider your years of friendship over what amounts to, what? 3 or 4 hours of one evening? You blew up at him for him not being there for 4 hours out of 61320 hours (7x365x24)?

Seriously, were I B, I’d be pretty hurt and pissed right now. I think an abject apology to B is in order, ASAP.

Fenris

19

I agree with Giraffe. B’s plan to go to both parties was his way of avoiding the bullshit involved with worrying who you’re offending. His solution was the most diplomatic possible (to everyone, not just you), and you managed to fault him for it anyway because he won’t declare you his Exclusive Bestest Friend in the Whole Wide World. Consider the possibility that you’re a dick.

20

Nyctea, had you expressed yourself originally in a tactful, respectful manner, you wouldn’t need to hide your pain now. However, you were nasty to B, and now you gotta apologize. If you beg his attendance at your party along with your apology, it’ll dilute the apology. Which isn’t fair to him.

He’s under no obligation to come to your party for the full thing. Surely you are capable of having fun without him; that’s what you’re going to need to do at the pub, and quite likely at the rest of your party, if he’s sufficiently angry at you for your nastiness.

Apologize, and be more understanding of his life independent of yours.

Daniel