Friend to hold NYE party same night as mine; invites same people…rude or what? (long)

The BBQ Pit
21

Points taken…but…

…I still don’t understand why I should be the one to change my plans? My plans have been set for a couple of weeks now. I’m not going to change my plans because S decided to hold a party the same night and invite many of the same people. Why isn’t anyone saying that she should change her plans? Why me?

Also keep in mind, B is being a mega-asshole about all of this, so if you think I am being an ass, I am not the only one. And maybe you think I am blowing this out of proportion, but this is but one of many hurtful things he has done over time. So it adds up.

Loyalty just doesn’t exist anymore. I am so sick of always being the good, loving and loyal friend and never getting the same in return. It’s so disheartening.

22

nyctea, I don’t see B being an asshole about it at all. Have you left out some details, or do we just mega-disagree on what constitutes assholery? Looks to me like:

a) You set up a party, which he agreed to come to because he’s your friend;
b) His friend S set up a party, which he agreed to come to because he’s her friend;
c) You tried to turn it into a contest of “who do you like better?”, which it in no way needed to be, and which was a rude and inconsiderate thing to do;
d) He tried to compromise by being at your party during its most partylike stages (i.e., when it was at your house) and being at S’s party when yours seemed least partylike (i.e., when it was at the pub), and told you this in a polite email; and
e) You responded with nastiness, vitriol, guilt-tripping, and accusations to his suggested compromise.

What part am I missing? Where is B being an asshole?

You owe him a big apology. There’s no sign whatsoever that B is being disloyal, unless you consider anything beyond unquestioning obedience to your demands to be disloyalty. He can have a life beyond yours, have friends besides you, and still be a loyal friend; if you demand that he consider only your feelings when making his decisions, you demand more than a real friend has any right to demand.

If you drop him as a friend, I don’t see how you can blame anyone besides yourself. If he drops you, I don’t see how you can blame anyone besides yourself.

You really need to step back and look at how petty this is going to seem in two months: he’s going to be at your party for half the night, and he’s trying to compromise. Then you need to write him back, apologize for being so rude and inconsiderate, and tell him that of course you’d love to have his company for as long as he’d like to be at your party, but that of course you won’t be so overweening as to demand he stay at your party for the full night.

Please do it soon, if you want to salvage the friendship.

Daniel

23

GEEZUS NO, that is so far from the truth that it’s not even funny. Would you have said that if it were two men or two women who were best friends? I think not.

I see that most of you think I am in the wrong. Maybe not in the wrong for being hurt, but for expressing my hurt in the way I did. Fine, points taken. But reading your replies rebuking me for caring so much about the absence of a best friend at an important event for me makes me sad, because it makes me feel like no one really cares anymore, like loyalty and friendship are dead. Maybe I just care too much.

24

I dunno. Is B calling you a dick, a dickhead and a mega-asshole on a public message board too?

25

Sounds like this is bigger than just the issue with the NYE party. If you value your friendship, call up B and tell him it’s a shame you won’t spend NYE together. At some point in your lives, this is going to happen. You can hook up on NYD and compare notes on what happened at the respective midnight bashes.

26

Yeah there’s a lot of correspondence from him that I did not include here.

I guess my problem is that, I would have never done this to him. If I told him I would be at his party and knew how much he wanted me there, you better believe I would be there. I have always thought that it was rude to tell person A you would do something with them on a certain night, then two days before said night, person B asks you to do something the same night, so you change your original plans with A because you somehow think person B’s event is better. I think that is just plain crappy. Especially if person A is your best friend. I am surprised that you all are acting like I am some horrible person for being hurt by this.

27

Nyctea, IT IS NOT AN IMPORTANT EVENT! IT HAPPENS ONCE EVERY DAMN YEAR! IT’S NOT LIKE HE’S MISSING YOUR WEDDING OR YOUR BAR MITZVAH OR YOUR BABY SHOWER!

As you said, you only organized a party because nobody else was doing so. You’re TOTALLY blowing this out of proportion. This isn’t a sign that loyalty is dead: this is a sign that your friend’s life doesn’t revolve around you. This isn’t a sign that you care too much; it’s a sign that you’re expecting your friend to cater to your every desire. It’s a sign, in fact, that you care too little about your friend’s feelings.

Show us that loyalty matters, that friendship matters, that you do indeed care. Show this to your friend. Apologize to him for being so rude and inconsiderate, and wish him a lovely evening.

From what you’ve shown us, he’s been consistently loyal and caring to you, and you’ve responded with venom and selfishness. The loyalty-ball, the friendship-ball, is in your hands – or rather, it was before you (to mix metaphors) dropped it. You owe him a sincere, unqualified apology for being so rude and inconsiderate.

He’s the loyal one. Show him some gratitude for it.

Daniel

28

I don’t know, it’s possible. It might read like this:

I told my best friend (BF) I would go to her new year’s eve party. Then another friend of ours decided to throw a party the same night and invite many of the same people. So I then told BF, sorry, but I will only be spending an hour or two with you at your party because a better offer came along. Even after BF told me how much it meant to her for me to be at her party, I just don’t care. It’s worth it to me to make her upset so I can spend the new year with a bunch of people who are casual friends, most of whom I don’t even know. Yeah, that sounds so much better than hanging out with BF and our other good friends. I can’t believe she would have the gall to express her unhappiness to me. How dare my best friend tell me she is hurt that I am changing the plans! The nerve! I feel it is my right to do whatever I want, regardless of how it makes the people close to me feel. Even despite the fact that BF would never do the same if it meant hurting my feelings. Nevertheless, she is a horrible person!

29

Well, because unless you have some sort of mind control device, there’s really no way for you to make S change her plans, now is there? So my advice to you is based on what you can do about the situation. As I see it, you have two (reasonable) options: spend part of New Year’s Eve without B, or change your plans so that you can be together. A third, less reasonable option is to throw a big tantrum, piss off B and/or S, and then spend New Year’s Eve either partially or completely without B.

Personally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for S to have a New Year’s Eve party. You yourself said she wants to have a different kind of party than you do (more drinking, less intelligent discussion). Considering the fact that she announced it with almost no notice and is getting a good turnout, perhaps some of your friends want that kind of party too?

30

Your plans didn’t change. B’s plans changed. You were having a party, and you’re still having a party. Or, you’re still calling it a party but what you actually have is this ridiculous clash of wills wherein you will not be happy until B bows down before you and S is crushed beneath your mighty heel.

Grow the fuck up. Enjoy the time that B spends with you and understand that Gallileo established several centuries ago that the universe doesn’t revolve around you.

Has anyone started hearing the song “Class” from Chicago in their heads?

31

**
Yes. I would have. I didn’t say you were, I said you’re sounding like. And, sorry, you do have a “Fatal Attraction” tone in your posts, regardless of how you actually feel. It’s 3 fucking hours out of a friendship that’s lasted (correction from last post) 131400 hours.

I understand you’re sad. My best friend and I have gotten together for the 4th of July for something like 20 years. Without fail. This year, he didn’t make it. I was disappointed. I was unhappy. I understand how you feel, sorta (your friend is still offering to spend 4 hours with you…it’s not like he blew you off entirely and it’s not like he’s missing your firstborn’s christening or baptism or something.)

Where we differ is that I realize that A) he’s a free agent and I don’t want a friend who gets together because he feels “obligated” to do so. B) I didn’t have a meltdown because I was disappointed, and C) I didn’t throw away a 20 year friendship over missing one “traditional” get-together.

I can* tell you this: you are pissed off and hurt right now. I understand. But I cannot recommend an abject apology to B highly enough. I assure you that you will regret flushing a 15 year friendship down the toilet for 3 hours of one night.

Fenris

32

Left Hand I really do appreciate you taking the time to comment on this, I really do. But I wish you would be a little more empathetic to me. There is a ton of history that you don’t know about. Maybe the reason this irritates me so much is because of all the other things that have happened. I don’t understand why you say he is the loyal one. I have always been there for him, no matter what, thick or thin, rain or shine. But he keeps failing to reciprocate. Is it too much to ask to have someone treat you the way you would treat them?

Also, whether something is an important even is a matter of opinion. To me, this is an important event.

33

You are sounding more and more psychotic with each post in my opinion, for fucks sake its only NYE! You are 28 right? I am actually astonished that this is the case, you sound like you are about ten. Look its a simple situation: you have invited B to your party so has S albeit at a later date. You are asking B to pledge allegiance to your party simply to assure you that he is your bestest friend in the whole wide world, when you break it down like this can’t you see how much of a dick you are being? Don’t have a hissy fit because everythings not going your way, he is making a compromise, you on the other hand are insisting that he comes to your totalitarian party to show his loyalty to you. Maybe he is politley trying to tell you that your parties suck balls? You sound like the most disturbing party host ever, if I was him i’d leave you to stew in your own juices and order around the few poor saps who turn up to your ‘bash’. Jesus christ man/woman, calm down.

34

Damn you people are being harsh. Mean, even. I didn’t realize feeling hurt over a friend’s choice not to attend an important event with you was such a terrible, terrible thing. I really really think you naysayers would feel hurt too if this happened to you.

35

I’ll have empathy for you when you have empathy for your “friend.” Your description of it from your friend’s point of view is so laughably off-base that it’s clear you’re not even trying to see it from his side.

If you can’t empathize with the crappy position you’re putting B into, why on earth should I, a stranger, empathize with you?

You’re being very selfish and inconsiderate and uncaring and unfriendlike here. You’re the one that needs to apologize and change your attitude, not your friend.

Daniel

36

So you only posted the ones that make him seem totally reasonable? Fair enough I suppose but in order for us to make a judgment you have to offer the evidence, we are no telepathic.

37

ncytea, you’re saying that you’re reading others comments, but I don’t believe you’re really hearing them, you know?

The only thing you’re really responding to are the suggestions of changing your party. Your responses to that “I don’t wanna!” are the very height of childishness.

I haven’t yet seen you respond to the many posts pointing out that B is indeed attending your party. He’s not blowing it off. He’s trying to compromise, and you won’t budge.

That’s not fair.

Think about this. You’re reminding me of my X best friend. We were best friends for 10+ years, like sisters. She got REALLY pissed at me because I missed her college graduation. The fact that I would’ve been fired from my job had I attended, didn’t seem to matter. If I cared enough about our friendship, I would’ve walked out of my job that I desperately needed. She kept harping on it after I had apologized profusely, sounding a lot like you do now.

I ended the friendship. I was tired of being made to feel like I wasn’t worthy enough of her friendship because I was leading a life seperate from her and had obligations I had to meet. It occured to me that if she couldn’t understand that I couldn’t be there, and couldn’t see past her own selfish demands and put herself in my shoes, then she wasn’t a very good friend to begin with. We haven’t spoken for 2 years and I miss her terribly.

Are you willing to lose a friend whom you treasure as much as you say you do here, over a couple of hours at a party? A party he is attending, by the way.

Just think about it.

38

I was just presenting the idea that there’s nothing romantic yet - B may be using the party as an excuse to start something. Even if S is not interested.

Leaving the other party out of it (in both senses of the word) - say he planned to go to your party, and then a few days before the event, said “I can’t - something else came up.” How would you react?

Well, in IMHO, it depends on the importance of the party and how often he’s done this before. From what I’ve read, you’re saying that this is an important ritual for the two of you, and he’s done this before. If this is the case, then you should confront him on it, but bring up the pattern of his behavior, not just this one instance.

39

…I’m sorry, both S and nyctea will have to change their plans, because DICK CLARK always plans his party 364 (365 on leap year) days ahead, every year, for the last umpteen years! So, I think you’re both gonna have to talk to Dick and merge your parties together so everyone won’t be forced to chose…:rolleyes:

Ok, now that I killed the “I planned it first” excuse, just merge the damn parties together and stop using friendship as a weapon, that’s not what its meant for. I’m also in the “apology” camp; those comments that you made should never come from a friend (unless he was never a friend to begin with).

As for S, get drunk at his/her place, and throw up in her sink (or other recepticle) to eek out that pissyness that you harbor and then get over it.

Also, bring a tape of that Seinfeld episode where Kramer and Newman (I think it was him) were trying to out invite each others’ party. Yuck it up with S…:smiley:

40

Ahhhh, I didn’t realize you were female, n.

Any chance you’re a bit jealous of S?