Friend to hold NYE party same night as mine; invites same people…rude or what? (long)

The BBQ Pit
41

Nictea, I might be hurt over this, it’s true. But I wouldn’t freak the least little bit over it.

I throw parties all the time that my friends don’t come to. (Wait, that sounds bad. Lemme rephrase). My wife and I throw parties pretty often, and friends sometimes come and sometimes don’t. Sometimes they show up for just the first part of the party and later go to a different party (ours tend to be early-evening parties); sometimes they show up late. Sometimes they say they’ll make it and end up not showing up because they were feeling sick or just antisocial.

Is it rude for them to say they’ll be there and then not be? Yeah, kind of. Do I freak out at them for it? Oh, HELL no: the freaking out is far ruder than the not showing up.

Instead, I just know not to count on them being there next time. That’s okay; some friends are more reliable than others.

You ask, “Is it too much to ask to have someone treat you the way you would treat them?” I answer, YES!

You can’t expect people to treat you the way you would treat them: clearly you’re not treating B the way B would treat you. Instead, you can ask people to behave decently toward you. B has done so; you’ve not returned the favor.

Listen, I know you’re disappointed, and I can sympathize with you for being disappointed. You were looking forward to spending the evening with B, and it turned out you weren’t able to do so. It’s possible even that he flaked out a little in accepting another invitation, not realizing that he’d kind of committed to your party.

But if he flaked out, it was only a little flakeout. Your reaction is totally out of proportion. I’m trying to tell you that nicely; others are being less patient with you on it.

If you value the friendship, you owe him an apology – the sooner the better. Chances are good that if you apologize to him for your huge and unacceptable freakout, he’ll apologize for his minor flakeout (even if he didn’t really flake out – I’m still not convinced he did). That’s often how apologies work.

If you don’t apologize, he’s likely to write you off as totally psycho – especially if, as you suggest, this conflict between the two of you is part of a pattern. The lesson he’ll learn is that he shouldn’t accept invitations from you in the future. And he’s likely to tell other people about what happened, just as you’ve told other people about what happened – and you’re likely to develop the kind of reputation that isn’t conducive to people accepting your invitations in the future.

Yes, you’re hurt. Yes, you’re disappointed. You still owe him an immediate, unconditional, contrite apology.

Daniel

42

I really do appreciate everyone’s input, afterall that is what I asked for. I just didn’t think I would be getting so many mean comments (i.e. WILLASS). I am honestly curious and intrigued: a question to the people saying I am wrong: are you honestly telling me that if your best friend bowed out of your party to attend another one planned at the last minute, you honestly would not be hurt or be upset at all?? Maybe you all are just stronger than I am.

And let me ask you this, what would your best friend have to do to hurt or upset you, if this situation would have no effect on you whatsoever?

Also, lezlers, in reference to your story about your ex-friend. There are some major differences. You could not get out of work. You wanted to go to her graduation but you could not. Did you initially tell her would would be there and then two days before, you got another offer, so you told her would would go but leave half-way through? You did not. In my case, B is making a choice to leave my party. You didn’t have a choice.

Another point that makes this a special situation is that it is new year’s eve, so there is a special importance on midnight…you want to ring in the new year with those closest to you. So why couldn’t B go to S’s party first, then mine for midnight? But he won’t. Do you see the difference? I don’t mind if he went to both parties, but basically he will be stopping by mine for like an hour, then spending the rest of (the majority of) the night at S’s, including the all-important stroke of midnight. So that makes a difference too.

Anyway, my last thought is, please, if you’re going to make any more comments about what a psycho you think I am, don’t…I think I already got the message (even though I don’t agree.)

43

Or, conversely, it might read like this:

So this person I thought was my friend N and I were going to get together for NYE. Cool. We do it every year and I want to keep doing it. But another friend [S] also asked me a little later. I know that N wants me to be there, but I know how hurt she’d be if S had asked me first and I wouldn’t try to accomodate her too. So I offered a compromise: I offered to go to N’s house for the actual party, but she wants to go to some crowded bar on New Year’s Eve and I figure…yuk. It’s not like we’d spend any real time together there with the music, and the crowds and the drunks, so I said that when they take off to the bar, I’ll pop over to S’s party and put in an appearance. I spend quality time with N, S doesn’t feel that she’s being ignored because her invite was later and everyone’s happy, or at least ok, right?

Wrong.

N, my pal of 15 years has decided our entire friendship hinges on this one thing. She swore at me twice in a really ugly e-mail where essentially she’s making me choose between this party and our friendship. That’s all she thinks of our friendship? A couple of stinkin’ hours at a loud, crowded bar and she’s willing to toss it? I don’t know what’s happened to N, but all I can assume is that she’s having a bad reaction to her cold-medicine or something. Either that, or all these years she’s been fooling me.

After 15 years of friendship I’ve already proven my friendship. I don’t want or need this kind of pissing contest over a stupid party.

What do you Dopers think I should do? Give in, blow off S entirely and make N happy or not throw S to the wolves to “prove” something to N?

44

Upset, yes. Hurt? Mayble a little bit.

E-mail my friend and say that this is fucked up, he’s acting shitty, and in general try to guilt trip him into choosing me over the other party? Not on your life. Real friends don’t do that (at least my friends don’t).

45

I’m sorry nyctea scandiaca to come across as being mean but all of your posts have indicated a selfishness on your part that isn’t evident (from the information you have given) from your friend. I personally think that friendship is often about compromise, you can’t always have it your way. Your friend IMHO is in a difficult situation, he wants to go to your party but also wants to go to S’s party (maybe for romantic reasons?). His compromise or suggestion of a joint party in order for him to see all of you is evidentley not good enough for you. Its a classic case of ‘my way or the highway’ if you ask me. now maybe for all I know this is the sort of thing that your friend does all the time and this is a long list of letdowns, if that is the case I sympathise. What you have to remember is that we don’t have all the background information so all I have seen is a lot of whining that he’s not spending all night with you and a very reasonable sounding email from him. I apologise if there is a lot more to it than this but with the evidence presented you come across as being pretty unreasonable (as 90% of the other posts will testify). Try and see his predicament and realise that at your age NYE parties are not the be all and end all.

46

I don’t think you’re a psycho, but I do think you’re too wrapped up in this issue and should really, really apologize to him now, while you can, 'cause you’ll probably regret it in a few days.

Even if you’re right (I don’t think you are, but let’s assume the unthinkable and assume I’m wrong :wink: ), which is more important: being right about one party, or keeping a friend who’s lasted 15 years?*

Fenris

*I read a statistic once (no, I can’t find a cite) that the average friendship lasts (something like) 4-7 years.

47

I came across a similar case at work recently and my response to it colours my thinking about this one.

A guy at work was worrying about his daughter. She had arranged her 10th birthday party, sent out the invitations and received acceptances. Apparently she is a “bit nerdy” and was thrilled about her party. Before the party was held one of the “cool girls” arranged another party for the same day…and the dropouts began.

He wanted advice on how to handle his kid’s disappointment and all I could think was “Tell her what arseholes the other kids and their parents are.” I certainly would not have allowed either of my kids to accept an invitation and then ditch it for a better offer, you don’t need to be Eistein to work out the ramifications of that. So really I had little to offer him for his daughter.

And that’s the OP’s point. These other people are knowingly stuffing up arrangements that she has made and informed them of. Well she’s pissed. I wouldn’t be as angry as her and would probably let the whole thing go but that’s me. It’s never much fun feeling like you’ve been shafted by a friend.

48

I have reassessed the situation and have decided that you should hold your breath until he swears that he’s your bestest friend and that he hates S’s guts.

And on preview: Fenris nails it.

49

It sounds to me like you’re pouring way more into this friendship than he is. In fact, it sounds to me like you’ve spent a lot of time bending over backwards for this guy, always being there for him and always trying to please him. And yet he never seems to reflect your devotion to him. Guess what? I don’t think he’s in love with you. Unfortunately, I think you are in love with him. It seems pretty obvious by your statements to the contrary. You’re displaying classic signs of faux denial. “Haw haw, no WAY I’m in love with that guy! Are you kidding?! HA! That’s just crazy talk! Right! Sheesh! Phhht . . .” And the anger and jealousy you’re letting rip isn’t helping your case. Sweetie, you’re hopelessly devoted* to someone who is not reciprocating. You can’t guilt a person into caring about you and you can force them to want to be with you. The more of this crap you lay on him, the faster he’s going to run away. Maybe that’s a good thing for both of you.

The bottom line is that you don’t have to change your plans. Not unless the whole party was just a way to spend an evening with this guy. If not, just appreciate the time he and your other guests are taking to spend with you. If my best friend couldn’t stay for the entire evening of a party, I wouldn’t freak out. I wouldn’t take it as an insult and I wouldn’t throw a hissy fit. If the guy I carried a torch for for years did it, I’d be heartbroken and insanely jealous and angry (mostly at myself for caring so much).

Having carried a torch or two, I’m just calling it like I’m seeing it. I’m not trying to be mean, just giving you my opinion. If I’m wrong and you expect all of your friends to give you their undivided attention and you have a tally of how many nice things you’ve done for them vs. how many nice things they’ve done for you, then expect to find everyone else at S’s party as well. Tell me this, would you be this upset if another one of your guests you are close to were stopping by the other party?

*ha ha - now all of you have Olivia Newton John stuck in your head!

50

don’t ask…there’s 18 years difference of maturity to consider here as well…

51

Hey.

I understand how you are feeling. I bet thinking about this makes you feel hurt and bitter, and all the past problems go through your head? You are right to feel a little hurt and upset…and it is okay to let him know that you feel a bit rejected, but just be careful, friendships are worth so much more than a party.

I myself have sometimes felt the same way about certain friendships, believe me, I have been there. A few years ago, in fact, when I was just out of college.

I was looking for something; feeling lost in transition, and therefore needed my ‘good’ friends to be my rock, my stability, my other halves… The problem was that what I needed from them (to be extensions of me) during that confusing time was something they couldn’t give, shouldn’t be expected to give. However real and hurt and big the issues felt at the time, I look back on them and think about how small they were.

And you know? I feel small about myself when I think of how I blew such issues out of proportion.

You will to, if this continues. I know how you feel; I know how important and real this is to you… But, it won’t seem that important and real in a few months. Give it a year and all you’ll feel is regret, a nagging sort of regret that you’re not seeing him like you used to, that it’s hard to talk to him like you used to, if you talk at all…

Not only for ending this important friendship over a stupid party (hug again, however important it seems to you now, in the future you will think this), but because you ended it in such a way…a way in which good friends wouldn’t have ended it.

This will sound silly, but if you have family, maybe spend more time with them, appreciating them? Or maybe start therapy, not that you are psycho, but to help you work through these feelings. Are you sure your hurt feelings are all about this friend, this party? You might be able to focus on what you really want, to determine if you want to keep this friendship at the same level.

You shouldn’t make any decisions while feeling as hurt as you sound. We don’t make healthy decision while drunk on our own righteous rage.

Because even though you don’t feel loved, appreciated and respected as you feel a friend should…he probably does LOVE and RESPECT you, just in his own way. Because he is not an extension of you hug, he handles friendships in his own way. And maybe he did goof, and if he did, then you have to decide if that’s all his friendship is worth to you.

I haven’t spoken to the best friend that I will ever have for three years now. I still long for her. We stopped talking because of some nasty comments we made to each other over other friends. You see, we disagreed. And it got blown out of proportion in my mind into her not appreciating me, not standing by me, not being the kind of friend I needed. Blah. :frowning: I didn’t need her to appreciate me more, I needed stability in my OWN LIFE, to know who I was, before I could really handle a mature friendship with all of its ups and downs.

So, think about it. You won’t remember all of the past hurts. You won’t remember what he said. You’ll remember that you drove him away over a few hours of time, for a silly party. And you better believe that you’ll remember what you said.

hug

52

I would be upset too, but not as upset as you are. I can see him coming to your party second, that’s when the party gets the best, around midnight. Why must he go to the other party SECOND? He would have to answer to me too.

53

n: Are you female?

I was having a really difficult time reading this thread thinking that n was male. Glad I didn’t ask you to quit whining and act like a man!:slight_smile:

54

This couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love him as a best friend, but I would rather become a lesbian (or celibate) before I would ever touch him. First, because I consider him a brother and that would just be yucky (we grew up together from age 12, for christ’s sake!) Second, because I don’t find him the least bit attractive, not the least bit. Third, I am fairly certain he is gay. He is a better shopping companion than any girl I know. He’s better at advising me on interior decorating and cooking matters than any woman I know.

Why is loving my best friend like a brother automatically mean I am love with him? That is just plain silly. Oh and not to mention…I currently have my eye on someone else, someone wonderful who I am very much attracted to, so why would I be in love with an unattractive guy who I consider to be my brother who I am pretty sure is gay? Silliness.

55

Oh…maaaan…Lady of the Lake…that is a much needed spin.

Here’s the thing, then, I’d like to reiterate a sentiment that LotL touched on.

I get the hurt and bitterness associated with hearing (whether or not that’s what’s being said) that someone would rather do something you’re not, especially when you feel like that someone should want to do everything with you, because you do, don’t you? It’s normal, and human and all that…really.

But. (And it’s a big but.)

You really need to think this one through before a friendship is ended permanently over something that may not be that important down the road…lemme say that again. DOWN THE ROAD.

Exactly one year ago I had a major disagreement with my ahem girlfriend over a loud argument she had with her husband in my presence that pretty much ruined what up to that point had been a beautiful vacation in Tahoe for New Year’s. I had a huge problem with the argument they were having, not only because she insisted on picking it RIGHT in front of me, but that she was being a selfish bitch…and she was wrong…and WOULD NOT let it go. I left Tahoe that next morning and didn’t speak to her for a couple of months out of sheer righteous indignation that I was going to hold this grudge as long as it took because she was always doing things like this and I wanted her to get the message that it was not fucking acceptable, and in my head, I figured that by letting it go, it was giving her permission to behave that way. I missed her the whole time, and even when we did start to speak, it was in fits and starts and took months to get over it. Just about the time we started to put things between eachother back together and be…well, close again…

She died. Left me right the fuck here to live with the fact that I wasted all that time being pissed at her for something that turned out to matter exactly DICK NOTHING DOWN THE ROAD.

Do not make that same mistake if you give as much of a shit as you claim to.

Unless, of course, you can live with pissing away something that might be good in spite of the bumps and bruises.

I loved her.

56

Guess what nyctea scandiaca-I’m with you on this,
It’s rude to accept one invitation and then change the rules of engagement so to speak.
And I find it exceptionally churlish that s only decided to throw a party after receiving your invitation in the first place.
What’s with that kind of behavior-she didn’t known that Dec. 31st was NYE’s until you told her?
That smacks of one upmanship one her part.
I would be royally annoyed if, only after I announced that I was having a bash, a mutal friend and invitee decided to host a gathering on the same evening.
That’s said, I understand that you’re hurt but there’s a strong indication to me in this whole mess, that b really doesn’t place the same value on your friendship that you do.
Time to move on and make new friends.

57

Grow the fuck up.

58

N, unless you were planning on picking up the tab for all your guests at the bar, once you leave your house you are no longer a hostess and your friends are no longer your guests. B’s leaving a bar to go to another friend’s party is not breaking any rules of civility IMO.

I agree that your e-mails were incredibly harsh and self-centered. B is your best FRIEND, not your lover. The great thing about friends is that, unlike lovers, you can and should have as many as you want without threatening the other friends.

It is perfectly understandable that you are a bit ticked at S for inviting the same people to her party. It is perfectly understandable that you lament the fact that you won’t be spending midnight on NYE with your best friend. However, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not such a big deal. You are an adult and you need to learn to deal with your disappointments in a more adult manner. Friends, even best friends, have their own deals going on. Respect that.

You owe B a heartfelt apology and perhaps a heart-to-heart about what is really stewing at you. Because I think something else is going on here.

BTW, if friends party hopping is making you this irate, I implore you not to throw a SuperBowl party.

59

Now that’s a really mature, intelligent and well thought out response.:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Suggesting that this friendship should irrevocably break up because of a disagreement over a fucking New Years Eve is the stupidest thing I’ve heard in 7 3/4 months.

That’s like saying you break off a friendship with someone because they refuse to give you a ride somewhere.

60

I was kinda with you in this thread until this. This guy’s your best friend, you’re 28, you’ve known each other for 16 years and you don’t know if he’s gay or not?