Michi, you are going to ruin my image of you if the first thing that comes to your mind is a really bad horror flick in the hood…
I mean, Mr. Wonka is my hero 
Say my name 3 times in front of a mirror and you get my ever-lasting-gobstopper… heh. I know I should just delete that, but I wont.
It all figures anyway, I always get in trouble once the potential woman actually has “standards” sigh.
CandyMan
I do! 
…Although it isn’t really a casual friend. When DeathLlama and I first got together, we’d been friends for over 6 years and best friends for about 2. The first couple of weeks were so amazing–we were simply incredulous that we were dating, kissing, making out, falling in love with, our best friend. We often would even say “You’re my best friend…with benefits!” (Alanis’s “Head Over Feet” had been released around that time.)
So I have a regular sexual relationship–plenty of benefits–with my best friend. I just happen to be marrying him as well.
CandyMan, sorry, but I am a big horror movie watcher, and this was the first thing that came to my mind. But Willy Wonka wasn’t much better in some parts, you know!
Michi, when you are right, you are right… when Charlies mother starts singing while doing that laundry I have to hide under the covers… shudder
But, its ok. I understand you don’t want me. sniff
CandyMan
I’ve had a series of FWP’s, and in fact one of them cured my virginity.
I had a friend that I fooled around with, but we both succumbed to feelings and are now nearly engaged. Funny how these things work out.
I sometimes feel I’m really rare among my age group… I’m an 18 year old male, basically agnostic, but I DON"T have any interest in casual sex. As wonderful as it feels, I don’t want sex outside of a real relationship… even that’s not enough… I only want sex with love, and I love my girlfriend more than I have ever loved anyone in my life.
Hmmm. . . . Benefits.
Nope, I think my policy must have expired.
We’re back to talking about Ummfriends again?
I’ve had an Ummmfriend or two in my life (though not for awhile now) and as long as it’s completely honest there will be no problems. Sadly some people can’t be honest enough (with themselves especially) to fulfill the first part of that equation.
Not now, I’m married, but I have had three. It’s fantastic as long as you’re both in the same frame of mind.
One of my FWBs worked out well. We both were going thru particularly nasty breakups, me with my ex-husband, him with his fiancee. Neither one of us had the energy to throw into a relationship, we were both grieving…in a way.
We got together about one a week to hang out and rollerblade, play pool, watch movies, etc. One night we were out with our respective friends and ran into each other. Here was our conversation:
Me: So, met any cool chicks?
Him: No. Met your next husband?
Me: Nope.
Him: So, wanna come home with me and have sex?
Me: Sure.
We ditched our friends and left immediately.
For the next four months we still hung out weekly, but maybe once a month did a booty call. Eventually, I started dating someone and ended it, but it was a really good expeience while it lasted.
Another FWB was my ex-boyfriend. Bad idea, it just prolonged the inevitable.
The other FWB wanted a relationship. Another bad idea, it ruined our friendship.
Previous Ummfriend discussion:
Well, there are Friends With Benefits and then there’s Dial-A-F^*$ as my friend Kim calls it. You know, someone you don’t chat with or make contact with for any other reason but to do the nasty.
I had one of those. A guy I dated when I lived in VA, broke up and didn’t stay in contact at all. Then lo and behold by a weird twist of fate I was visiting Chicago (after I moved to MI) and ran into him on the escalator in Marshall Fields. Turns out he had moved in Chicago. Gave me his card, I called him next time I was in town, not sure what it all would lead to. He ended up being a Dial-a-F^*$ for me. I’d call him when I was in Chicago, and a time or two I actually made a special trip just to see him. We got along great when we were together, but we never spoke merely to “catch up” or shoot the breeze.
Is that different from a FWB? I think so.
Good stuff. I’ve had a number. I’ve always been more of a “big-brother” figure to my female friends, a “safe” friend that they could talk to and go out with. Not because there wasn’t sexual tension, there usually was, but because there was and is a respect for one another. This puts me in a very interesting position, thoug, now that many of them are engaged or in otherwise serious relationships beacuse they’ve told their boyfriends/fiances about me. Either that we have this strong relationship, keep in touch despite the years and distance, and in some cases, I was the first. It’s almost funny, but the jealously these guys have for me stupid because I’ve never hooked up with any of my friends-with-favors when they were dating someone else (or when I am), but they (the guys) obviously think that if I’ve been ther once, and I’m still good friends with these girl, I must be just waiting for another chance. Those who’ve been there know this isn’t the case. Right? I’m sure I’m not alone on this one.
It just goes to show how innocent I am! I worked for American Airlines for several years. A “Friend with Benefits” was what non airline employees wanted so they could fly for dirt cheap. People I hardly knew would always ask “Can you get me on a flight for free?”
But, I guess that isn’t related to the airline business. A friend of mine was working his way through college in a movie theatre. Guess what question he got asked all the time? You guessed it… “Can you get me in to see movies for free?”. Sheesh, buy a ticket, you cheep bastard!
damnit… cheap!
I should probably take the 5th, but yeah, I have a friend-with-benefits. He’s a fantastic friend, phenomenal in the sack, and really indispensable during those dry spells when I need someone to tell me I’m beautiful, comfort me, and tie me up and do bad things.
Reporting live from the Sahara,
magdalene
No, I don’t…but I’m accepting applications. And there sure are a handful of ladies in this thread who I’d really like to interview.
I think that’s a good distinction.
One time I was between relationships, stuck in a small town temporarily, and my schedule and situation pretty well ruled out normal dating. The local alternative press had an offbeat personal ads section, and for the heck of it I ran an ad seeking a woman who would like to get together once or twice a week for no-strings-attached sex. I received a few letters hinting at sex for a price, which I didn’t respond to, and I also received one from a woman who was in an open marriage–she and her husband lived together but dated on the side openly. They were still friends and didn’t want to break up the marriage for business and personal reasons.
We met once every week or two for about a year (until I had to move from the area), and it was a good, memorable relationship. The sex was great, and we even became good friends (spending the occasional day together outside of the bedroom). I would say that the relationship worked because we knew right from the start we were in it primarily for the sex and because the rules were clear–her marriage and my schedule pretty well put a firm limit on any hidden expectations or hopes for anything more than a purely physical relationship.
As for the case of moving from a friendship to a sexual relationship, it seems to me that there are a lot of variations available. I’ve moved from a casual friendship to a sexual relationship, but ultimately that amounted to little more than “a casual fling,” and the friendship ended when the fling ended. I also once took a long-time friendship and added a sexual component, but that eventually just turned us into a standard couple in a standard relationship that happened to have a long history.
I would agree that friends could add a sexual component and still remain nothing more than friends, but it seems to me it would require a lot of communication, setting-up of rules, and enforcing of rules. Otherwise, very often the heart goes its own way and takes one or both partners in directions they never intended. Also, close friends may have issues and tensions in the friendship, and these can get magnified once they are in bed together. None of this is necessarily a bad thing or a reason to avoid sex with a friend, but it means the friendship will often be greatly changed, for better or worse. That’s my own experience, anyway.
Yeah baby yeah! I am an expert in multiplication!
Maybe it’s just 'cause the gay community tends towards a more lax attitude about sex, but I’ve got like a half dozen friends with fringe benefits (or “special privileges,” as my friend Christopher puts it). Most of them live in other cities, though, so we only get together occassionally, and there’s no pressure if either of us is dating someone else at the time, but all of these relationships are better and stronger because we sometimes tumble.
Or, maybe I’m just a slut.
Esprix