I have a weird (and sort of long) dilemma. My boyfriend and I have been together over 2 years. For the most part, we have had an open, loving, honest, and fun relationship the whole time, with both of us being utterly faithful to each other and being each others best friend. So, all of a sudden at this X-mas party we had a month ago, these girls begin telling me that they are worried that they have spotted my fiance talking to other girls at abar (in one case I was there!), and another instance of him pinching one girls butt at a party a year ago, and another case of him apparently doing it 1 1/2 years ago. I sadi “Did he ever cheat on me or go home with these girls?” - they said “No, not that, but we just wanted to let you know when he gets drunk he does this sometimes.” The party got tense with all of these accusations flying around, and most everyone left. Even my best friend who took the other people’s side instead of mine.
I guess my dilemma is this - should I really give a damn about my b/f talking to girls or piching some butts? (he did write an apology to those girls he offended). Now these people who were so “concerned” about my well-being have fallen off the face of the earth (some friends, huh?) - and I am left feeling shaken about everything. Their assumption was that after I found this out - I’d dump him. But I whole-heartedly defended him and stayed with him.
So now I feel like people avoid me/us?? Not all of them but a few. Was I wrong to defend my b/f when I trust him completely and know that he acts like a fool sometimes when he drinks and am not threatened by those silly acts??
Sorry for rambling - just wanted to get an outsiders view!
I can’t imagine why you would dump your boyfriend because he talked to another women. I talked to a man yesterday while waiting in line at the post office. I hope my husband doesn’t find out about it and divorce me.
The butt pinching is a slightly different story. I have only had an unwelcome butt pinch a couple of times in my life and they really pissed me off. Pinch my butt no and you are likely to get a kick in the shin. Assuming those butt pinches were unwelcome then your boyfriend needs to learn how to keep his hands to himself even if he has been drinking. If he is a wonderful person in ever other way then it would probably be a bit silly to dump him over it. Writing an apology to the women he pinched is a good indication that he isn’t a bad guy.
Does it make you feel unhappy, insecure, or unvalued that he does this? If not, and if he is consistently careful about not drinking enough that it would ever go any further, then I don’t see what the big deal is. If it does bother you in any way, then you need to talk to him about it, but I get the distinct feeling it doesn’t bother you. You don’t appear to be endangering anyone’s health, mental or physical, by this, so if that’s what works for you and your relationship, I say go for it.
If people can’t accept that you have the right to run your relationship any way you see fit (provided you’re not endangering yourself or anyone else), then I say to hell with 'em. They’ll either get over it or die from it, as my mother used to say.
I’m not convinced his butt-pinching behavior started suddenly after two years of being completely faithful. Still, he wrote apologies to the women for it, so he knows that it’s not acceptable behavior (even when he’s drunk). At least your friends say he’s not sleeping around.
But your friends seemed grouchy when you didn’t dump him over a butt pinch? Either they know more than they’re willing to tell you or they are imposing their definition of fidelity upon your relationship.
If it doesn’t bother you and you want to stay together, that’s your decision. Make sure you draw the line with your fiancé so he knows when his behavior isn’t appropriate, and continue to gently remind him that being drunk is not a valid excuse. I don’t see a problem with this, and I daresay he won’t either, if you are important to him.
Thanks for your replies so far. I also did not let the drinking be an excuse (he was obviously very ashamed of this, especially since he did not remember doing it) and the drinking in our house is almost nill now. It is not that this stuff did not bother me, it in fact did when I first heard about it and for a few weeks of arguing and trying to listen to both sides. I ultimately chose to forgive him and move on - and of course, tell him this shit better never happen again, as he embarrased not only himself - but me as well. I guess I just have anxiety over it even now for some reason - and knowing we will still be seeing these people at parties and events, although probably not too welcome now. That is the part that bothers me most.
Weird. Usually, when someone angrily defends their boyfriend’s faithfulness to a group of friends who all have stories about him behaving inappropriately, it’s a 99.99% chance that said boyfriend did in fact cheat, probably multiple times, and said girlfriend is living in the magical land of Self-Delusion. However, in this case it really sounds like your boyfriend probably didn’t do more than flirt (perfectly fine) and pinch butts (not ok, but I wouldn’t dump him over it).
So, if things are fine with the boyfriend, all that’s left is to patch things up with the friends. The best way, in my opinion, is to go to them and thank them for worrying about you enough to come to you with their concerns and that you hope they’ll continue to look out for you. Even though you shouldn’t have to be the one to patch things up, this is probably the surest way to do so, if you’re willing.
Uh, those weren’t friends, and she’s better off without them. (assuming all is as it seems and b/f isn’t some louse). Go find some better friends who have better things to do than wreck your relationship for their own amusement, then disappear when they’re called on it.
I’ve pinched people on the bum just for fun (I’m not attracted to them), kind of like punching them on the arm or calling them a bastard. (I’m Australian.)
Always go to the horse. Ask him about the pinching, etc., and get his side of the story. Educate him on sexual harrassment (intentional or not). If you don’t retrain him, no-one will, and then it’s YOUR fault for letting a bastard (not in the complimentary sense) get away with it.
Anyone who lets a bastard (not in the complimentary sense) get away with it deserves what they get. Even a nice bastard like me.
If I were you, I’d wonder why it took these friends of yours a year and a half to mention the butt-pinching incident, and why they’re telling you about it now. Someone truly concerned for you would not withhold that kind of information for so long, and they would not suddenly mention it for no good reason.
Between that and how the conversation escalated into an ugly argument, I’d say this is about a lot more than just something your boyfriend did a year ago. I wouldn’t be too broken up over the loss of the girls’ friendships.
Yeah, they really don’t come off well here, but they may have honestly just been trying to help. How many times have you heard someone whose SO was cheating say they wished someone had told them about all the warning signs they witnessed? The fact that they’re avoiding the OP may be due to them assuming that the OP is angry at them for criticizing her boyfriend. Criticizing a friend’s SO is dangerous business. (Hell, criticizing a friend’s ex-SO is dangerous business.)
If, in fact, they’re inexplicably angry at the SO for not breaking up with her boyfriend, then I agree with you, she’s better off without them. But I’d at least give them a chance before ditching them. Better to give friends one chance too many than to drop them too easily.
