Well, I’ve been up all night, tossind and turning. I’ve just been fucked over by an old “Friend”. Here’s the backstory.
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years now. We have a pretty good relationship. I may not be the greatest boyfriend in the world(who is?), but I treat her with respect and don’t cheat on her. Fact is I love her very much…who am I kidding, I love her with every ounce of me.
Now, I have this friend, Mark. He has been a good friend, up untill now. We have never fought or had an otherwise tumultuous relationship. I haven’t even spoken to the guy since New Years Eve.
Last night, after my GF leaves my house, she recieves a call on her cell phone. It’s my friend Mark, who nobody has heard from in about 4 months. For reasons only he knows, the kid tells my GF that I cheated on her with 3 girls, 2 years ago. This of course is not true. My GF calls me irate, I try to plead innocent. The problem is, I somewhat of a recovering alchoholic and the time frame that my friend claims that I cheated was a pretty low point in my life. The notion that I would have cheated on her at that point isn’t unbelievable. I know I didn’t, but convincing her of that will be awfully hard.
What kills me is I don’t know why a friend would call up out of the blue and fuck with my life like this. I was up all night, furious, throwing things, debating whether I should go over to this guys house and kill him. I drank myself into a stupor last night, the first time in about a year. I’m nothing but a giant ball of frustration. I’m hurt that a friend would do this and my GF won’t give me a chance to defend myself.
So guys, don’t trust your friends. One day, when you least expect it they will fuck you over.
What would cause this guy to do this? This is horrible!
My first gut reaction is to tell you to NOT DRINK. Don’t do that. Just DON’T do that. It isn’t helping. If you’ve had trouble drinking in the past, this is the LAST thing you should be doing if you want things to go well now.
My second gut reaction is to tell your girlfriend that you are perfectly willing to discuss this accusation with her and this asshole ex-friend. Ask the guy point-blank for dates, names and times that you supposedly “cheated”. Force him to cough up details. Make him be as specific as possible. Then poke holes through his claims. Be willing find the girls that you supposedly slept with, so they can confirm that nothing really happened. Don’t let him get away with a vague accusation.
DETAILS will probably blow this all away. He’s just making this shit up. It shouldn’t be too hard to get him to blow his story, become inconsistent in something, etc. He undoubtedly made up this story on the fly, he hasn’t thought all the supposed “details” through. I should think it won’t take much to get his story to fall apart.
I think you have a really good shot at mending this. I would not worry too much if I were you. (Yeah, easier said than done.) My good thoughts and prayers are with you, and your girlfriend.
I was in a similar situation, many years ago, with a guy who used to be my best friend.
My best friend was cheating on his girlfriend with his ex-girlfriend (who happened to be married, ouch). Unfortunately, he was not very discreet about it. And circle’s of friends run wide and friends of friends talk and rumors spread, and his girlfriend would literally had to have been deaf not to hear about it.
So, his girlfriend decides to confront him and she tells him that I called her and left a message on her answering machine telling her that my friend was cheating on her. He believed her. It wasn’t even a case of believing her over me, because he’s the type of person that once he believes something to be true, no amount of evidence to the contrary will ever convince him otherwise. He didn’t even ask for my side of the story.
Six years of friendship down the drain because some girl lied to him. And there you were, Bedrosian Bixby, debating whether to kill someone (probably not literally) because of something you heard, which may or may not be true, without getting his side of the story.
So, you’ve got to ask yourself some important questions from as much of a unbiased standpoint as possible. Did your friend have any motive at all to do this and do you think he would be the type of person to do this (you said in your post that he has been a good friend in the past)? Could your girlfriend have any reason to suspect that you may have cheated on her in the past (by things you9 mentioned in your post, this seems like a yes)? Do you think she could just be using your friend as a scapegoat to see if you’ll admit to cheating (Mark seems like a good “mark”, as you haven’t spoken to him in months)?
I really appreciate the kind words. And Monocracy, you’ve given me something to think about. It never occured to me that she might be making this up. Though, I would hope this is not the case. It sets up a while new bunch of issues.
I sopke to my brother, who is also friends with this guy and he said that Mark has been acting kind of srange lately. He suddenly dumped his GF and has been ignoring most of his friends. I don’t know what to make of that.
Fuck, I feel like a little kid. I’ve been crying all day, trying to make some sense of it all. I’m a grown fucking man and I feel like this is the end of the world. Logically, I know that I will either convince my GF that I innocent or I won’t. But, the prospect of losing her, especially this way, is just eating me up.
I guess I should stop whining, you guys have better things to do. Thanks for the kind words.
You’re not whining, you have every right to complain here. Regardless of how the details work out, you’ve been wrongfully accused of something you didn’t do, and it could profoundly impact your life. You have every right to be upset, and every right to worry, even though worrying doesn’t help. I’ll think good thoughts for you.
I’m also going to agree with yosemitebabe. Don’t drink. From what you’ve said, it won’t help things…
Well, the story takes a dastardly turn. My GF and I had a long talk and I got the full conversation from her. My “friend” told her these things in order to win her affection. After he whispered these things in her ear last night, he asked her if they could see eachother. If I’m to believe what my GF says, this was all a fucking ploy to get down my girlfriend’s pants. Now my rage is justified. I’m a peaceful person, but I can think of nothing I’ld like to do more than rip this guy’s throat out. Fuck him and fuck friendship. Can’t trust anybody these days.
Things are going to be uncomfortable with my Girlfriend now. I always be wondering if she trusts me.
He told all this to her to ask her out!? What a fucking pathetic asshole. People like this son of a bitch deserve a good old fashioned beating.If she is reasonably smart, which I am sure she is, you are in the clear. It is an obvious and pathetic ploy to sabotage the relationship. Ask her what she thinks about this.
Your friendship with this guy is over. I recommend that you tell everyone about this and then proceed to phase 2. Have it out with the son of a bitch. Confront him and maybe do it publicly. Nothing is worse for a lying weasel of this type than to be called on something like this in public.
Wow, man … what an asshole. I’m shaking my head in disbelief right now. The guy’s a fucking prick, bottom line.
I’m glad to hear that you and your girlfriend are working things out, and I wish you both the best of luck during what will undoubtedly be a rough period.
FTR … I’d rip the punk’s throat out, too. I won’t go into detail, but I had a somewhat similar thing happen, only it worked and damaged both relationships beyond repair. I wasn’t this guy’s best friend or anything (he was a co-worker at a job I’m glad I don’t have anymore) but I know I’d kill the bastard that double-crossed me. (not justifying murder, but I can totally see where you’re coming from.)
I am feeling a combination of appalled anger and relief for you. Anger that your “friend” would do this, relief that things look better for you and your girlfriend.
I think it is unacceptable for you to always wonder and worry if she trusts you, though. I would tell her that you are perfectly willing to discuss these “accusations” with the ex-friend, and demand that he give details and proof. Tell your girlfriend that you have NOTHING TO HIDE, and you don’t want her to have one smidge of doubt about you. Tell her that you are 100% confident in your innocence, and you want to see this asshole attempt to back up his claims, or back down and admit he lied.
If he won’t agree to repeat his lies to your face (he probably won’t) then I think she will have little doubt about him being a lying asshole. At least that’s how I think I’d feel, if I were in a similar situation.
Well if you “Can’t trust anybody these days” your gonna be one lonely fucker.
I know the rage, I know the confusion, the secret monkey on your back saying “fuck them all The bastards, lets go drink!”
You have not seen “Mark” for 4 MONTH! With your brother mentioning strange behaviour I might suspect some form of mental ilness or drug use. Do you remember how you were before you decided to recover from you alcoholism?
I am not avocating you trust Mark. Hell, I would not, not for a long time.
To not trust anyone is I hope an exageration.
When you calm down remember this, You trusted the people in your recovery meeting and believed recovery was a better way to go than they way you were going.
You trusted everyone here on the boards to accept your rant and offer some good sound logical advice and support in your time of need.
Glad you and the GF worked things out and nothing worse happened that what already transpired.
Buck up Bixby just a nasty bump in the road. Move on and grow from this experience. Betrayal is a nasty thing to deal with. Yet do not let it sour you from those who have not done anything to earn your distrust.
What your “friend” did was amazingly shitty, but I’m a little concerned that your GF was so quick to believe this guy, with the obvious play to get in her pants. Does she have any real reason to not trust you? If it were me, I would be very suspicious of what this guy was telling me, and would check it out before jumping to any conclusions. That she was so ready to believe him troubles me.
I had the same thing happen, when my friend Mike apparently told my then-boyfriend Jon that he thought I was still sleeping with my roommate. Only instead of hearing about it from my boyfriend Jon (who must have not believed it, or didn’t care), I heard about it from another ultra-nosy, gossipy friend.
What makes this story even better is that when I decided to confront Mike in a gentle way, he denied it and got angry with my gossipy friend. So my gossipy friend got infuriated with me for being “reactionary” and “confrontational.” Suddenly I am the bad guy for wanting to clear my name. To this day I wonder if she made the whole thing up to make Mike look bad. I’ll never know, nor will I know why anyone (Mike, her or the other losers in the world) think such head games are okay.
When push comes to shove, your girlfriend has to trust you. Obviously that would be easier when psycho friends aren’t feeding her lies, but if you’re innocent, at some point she has to take that on faith.
wow, thanks for the response guys. The reality is I’m a bit down by all of this, but it seems things will work out ok with my GF. It’s an awful feeling to be betrayed by someone you think is a friend. I was a bit quick to say I don’t rust anyone, but given the circumstances I’m going to be a bit guarded. I was an out of control person for a while and you could convince my that I beat up the Pope back then. Given this, I don’t blame my GF for questioning me. It’s a point in my life that I have to live down. What kills me is that people can take advantage of the low points in your life, the times that you regret. All this because the little cocksucker wanted to screw my Girlfriend. I can’t explain how much that hurts.
Thanks for your advice and your kind words. Never let it be said that the good folks at the SDMB don’t care.
FWIW, I heartily concur that your “friend” needs a sound beating–what an arsehole! Bad enough to hit on your GF without doing it in such a creepy, sleazy manner, ugh… I also hope your GF realizes how much she’s wronged you by listening to arrant nonsense from a jerk who’s trying to get into her pants. I mean, really, how much can one trust what a “friend” says about one’s
BF’s alleged sexual indiscretions while said “friend” is actively engaged in attempted cuckoldry? Shit, the sieve says the colander leaks much?
I would recommend simply cutting this guy off. He’s got problems you cannot help with, and shouldn’t try. You will get no satisfaction out of beating him up or yelling at him. Having it out with him may only wind you up in the slam or the hospital. You need to focus on sobriety and dealing with this in as constructive manner as you can muster. My friends in program tend to act out, and the ones that throw things, etc. frankly frighten everyone else.
Take this opportunity to understand that this was not about you, remember to compliment the fine lady on her attractiveness and move on. Best wishes.
Hey I had this happen to me a few months ago. Someone, who I never found out who, called my GF and told her I was cheating on her. I wasn’t, hadn’t even thought of it. She didn’t tell me for weeks that someone had called her. It caused no end of problems and until she told me that it happened I didn’t understand why.
What the hell is wrong with some people that they would do that? Fuckers.
This is starting to piss me off. Just about every person in this thread has come down on Mark when it’s obvious that Bedrosian hasn’t even gotten Mark’s side of the story.
Why is it that everyone blames their relationship problems on a third party? Can’t people take responsibilty for their own problems? Hell, it’s like the old cliched story: guy’s girlfriend fucks some other guy, boyfriend finds out and wants to beat the crap out of other guy, but doesn’t dump girlfriend, who is the cause of it all.
Whether Mark told your girlfriend these things or not, you have serious relationship problems if she believes these things and mistrusts you. Don’t blame it on Mark, who may or may not be guilty, blame it on you and your girlfriend, that is where the problem lies.
In my story above, i don’t blame my friend’s girlfriend for breaking up our friendship, i blame my friend for believing outrageous lies and not trusting me. That is one of the reasons why he is no longer my friend.
Even though your girl got you pussy-whipped, i guarantee that this relationship will be dead within a year. There’s no trust.
Monocracy, I think you’re reading into this story a lot that just isn’t there. How can he take responsibility for his actions if they were not his actions?
Monocracy, after htree years with my GF, I’m well past the pussy-whipped part. And while I apreciate where you are coming from, I’m fairly certain my GF is not making this up. By the way, she appologized for the knee-jerk reaction the next evening. Things are once again pretty tight with her now. As for my backstabbing friend, every attempt to contact him, by me and by mutual friends, have failed. I’m willing to go out on a limb and assume he’s avoiding me and I would further conjecture that he is avoiding because he said some bad shit about me.
Now, I appreciate your stance, but predicting that my relationship won’t last a year is assinine. You simply don’t know enough about us to make that assumption, so I will disregard any further comments by you.
Thanks to the rest of you for sharing your feelings…been a tough week, but things are returning to normal. Still haven’t seen hide nor hair of Mark, but I will check back if and when I confront him.
I’ll think good thoughts for you.