So, fellow dopers, I had this sort of quarrel a fortnight ago.
There is this girl friend of us, and her boyfriend. We (a good friend of us and I) were talking about this girl’s boyfriend going with her everywhere.
The last time we wanted to see her (we don’t see each other very much) her boyfriend came along too, but he barely talked, it was a little awkward.
Long story short, I was talking to her and she said to me: “My boyfriend goes with me everywhere because she doesn’t trust any guy, even you.”
I was really shocked, both because of the possessiveness of the guy and the girls acceptance to it.
She can go by herself with just girl friends, but whenever there’s a boy involved, she has to go along too, or he feels bad.
And we haven’t given her any reason to distrust us, we are just a couple of regular guys, and we even know her much longer than her current boyfriend.
So, what do you guys think about this? I thought about saying something to her, but I’m not even sure that I should, It’s her relationship after all.
Have you guys been in a situation like this? What did you do?
My experience is the only thing for her to do is to dump this guy, and do it sooner instead of later. Unfortunately, she probably won’t appreciate that advice right now.
My personal opinion: he’s probably cheating on her or he’s at least open to the possibility.
A good rule of thumb is that when people have an otherwise apparently irrational belief that everyone is doing some particular vice, it’s usually a sign that they have that vice. Liars never believe what anyone else says to them, thieves think everyone is stealing from them, gossips think everyone is talking about them behind their back, and cheaters think their significant others are unfaithful.
Like others have said, if he doesn’t trust other men around his gf he’s the type of guy to cheat.
Tell her to get ready for an abusive relationship. If it isn’t happening it’s on it’s way. Does he chaperone her at work ? You know there’s typically males there as well.
Big giant red flag there. He’s probably going to get more possessive and less reasonable. Abuse is almost certainly on the way. The sooner she dumps him the better, but she should be prepared for a long period of stalking and restraining orders.
Yup, that. I can understand a certain amount of protectiveness if she’s, say, meeting strangers or a guy who persistently tries to hit on her, but not wanting her to be out in public with other guys, period? That’s not a good sign.
The Gift of Fear should be on every high school reading list.
I have to echo the sentiments of those above. Run, don’t walk away from this possessive moron. She is only asking for big, big trouble. Jealousy is a terrible thing, a little bit is healthy but too much leads to a controlling personality. And it will only get worse as time goes on.
She should run a mile. If you care about her, help her get out of there. The problem is not that he is probably scum himself if he thinks all men are scum, the problem is he is trying to control her behaviour. He is deciding who she sees and when (after all, she can’t see you without him there). That’s the kind of thing that just gets worse. Tell her to run.
My ex best friend (we’d been inseparable since high school, for at least a decade) took up with a guy like that, and it ended our friendship. It wasn’t just guys (although it was definitely guys also) - he evidently decided I was “a bad influence” and she just started pretending like she never got my calls anymore.
I found out the last time I accidentally guilted her into going to the movies with me, which was a good six years ago. She works at the same system as I do, at a different location - I see her at Staff Ed Day and don’t speak to her. I seriously thought better of her - we read The Gift of Fear together, you know? I know this sounds awful, but you’d have to know both of us to get where I’m coming from here - I always knew she was weak, but I didn’t know she was weak enough to throw me over for some guy who was so obviously an asshole. No idea if they’re still together.
D: Sorry moderators, I didn’t knew where to put the thread!
Damn, Is it that bad?
When I met her, she just had come from a relationship (I don’t remember the details of the break up) and we had a big talk about relationship and men, she thought all men were scum and only wanted sex, something I think was “thought” by her mother.
I tried to reason with her saying that she could not stereotype all men, that there were really good guys out there.
The problem is, I don’t know how to approach her about that subject, she doesn’t want to talk about it because we “don’t and never will understand”.
That’s what hits me, the irrationality of it all, and it’s not the first time a friend of mine is in a crappy abusive relationship, it just breaks my heart.
But know I’m a grown up man, and hopefully I can do something.
Well, to be clear, I haven’t heard of any problems they have had themselves, but then again I haven’t heard a lot from them, just the occasional facebook post “I love you sooo muuch!! n_n”
To echo everyone else, this isn’t about any guys or what you have or haven’t done - this is about your friend’s boyfriend being pathologically jealous and controlling. I don’t know if there’s much you can do at this point, except point out to her that this isn’t normal behaviour, and let her know you’ll be available to help her if (or hopefully when) she decides to dump him. She probably won’t listen to any warnings or advice, however. There are some things you (unfortunately) have to learn for yourself.
I disagree that you can automatically put a motivation to why he is possessive. Maybe its because he cheats. Maybe because he is just an asshole. Either way it’s not a healthy relationship and it’s doomed to failure.
Not when that trait imprisons them to the degree that the OP expresses. I would WAG that he would be very faithful to her.
What you mention normally occurs when someone accuses you, they are usually guilty of it. They are taking control by blaming you for their faults. The guilt that they carry they would rather have you burdened with. Definitely not what I’m picking up with the OP issue. He is not accusing other guys, but is accusing himself - big difference.
I think the OP has got the issue, that he truly does not trust other guys, which his defense has been not to be with any, basically isolation. He was probably betrayed at some point by a male or several early in life and separated himself from other males and just remains attached to females, which is easier in childhood then adult dating life.
He is the one who needs to want to break that pattern.