Boyfriend doesn't trust any men out there.

It’s not about other guys, he doesn’t trust her. It doesn’t really matter how untrustworthy the male population might be, as long as she is trustworthy nothing bad will happen (unless forced, which is another issue.) That he thinks it matters whether other men are trustworthy or not shows that he doesn’t think his girlfriend is trustworthy.

In all likelihood. Controlling assholes only get more controlling over time, once the woman lets her behavior be controlled in the first place. And abuse usually follows control.

You can’t fix it, either. Don’t tell her to dump him, that will just alienate her. I don’t know if you’re willing to be a friend when things go bad, and help her. But it will hurt you and drag you over broken glass, too. Right now she probably thinks his overprotectiveness is a sign of his love.

Yep, she probably does. But pretty soon he won’t let her see her girlfriends alone either, or her family. And then she just won’t get to see anyone besides him.

Man, the amount of armchair psychology that goes on in these threads never ceases to amaze me. The first few posts seemed rational enough, but then we inevitably devolved into “pretty soon, he’ll cut her off from all family, too” and “some male deserted him in his childhood.”

OP, what culture does the guy come from? Middle Eastern or East Asian, by chance?

I don’t know about the male deserting him in childhood, but the thing is, a lot of have seen this path and watched friends walk down it. And it’s not always Middle Eastern or Asian, although Middle Eastern does happen. (I haven’t seen too many East Asians do this, to be honest). Last time I saw it both partners were lily-white. He hit her for the first time. She made all plans to leave him. He bought her roses that were spray-painted from Price Chopper. I told her she should throw them in the trash…but she wouldn’t, and took him back, and as far as I know they’re still going. :frowning: She thought they were a sign of his love for him.

As others said, it’s a red flag. It’s a clear sign of possessiveness and likely a sign of future cheating and/or abuse, if it hasn’t already started. However, even in the best case, it’s a blatant sign that he doesn’t trust her and the moment the trust in a relationship breaks down, if both don’t work to reestablish it, it won’t end well. She really needs to either proceed very carefully and both put in a lot of work to fix things or, more likely, end things before they get worse.

I’ll try asking this again. Isn’t it possible he was cheated on by another woman, and now has trust issues? That sounds like a fairly normal reaction, and something than can be overcome as a relationship grows. It also sounds like another one of those “I don’t like the guy she is going out with, so let’s demonize him anyway we can” situations. I don’t know how everyone can leap to the conclusion that he is a psychopathic serial killer based on such minimal information.

I’m in agreement that it’s not the other guys he doesn’t trust. It’s her. He doesn’t trust her to handle herself or avoid difficulty. And that really speaks to the dynamic. I’d bet she’s grooving on being ‘looked out for’, and sees it as proof of love and affection. And he’s probably grooving on being the ‘protector’.

But it ain’t healthy. This sort of codependent dynamic only really goes one direction and that’s spiraling downwards. That’s because there is nowhere positive to go from here. One or the other, of the partners, will need more drama, to keep them still feeling the love and, well, as pretty much everyone has pointed out, people with these sort of controlling and smothering ways usually end in abusive relationships.

But you can’t fix your friends, and it’s not your job. If she can’t hear, when you warn her, save your breath, some lessons you have live, to learn.

Unless she has given this guy a reason to doubt her, as others have said, she should run away from him. Fast. He sounds like the type of guy who, if she locked herself in the house and never went out ever, would accuse her of entertaining men while he was away.

But how is that her fault or problem? Maybe they can work through his trust issues together, but she didn’t cheat on him, and didn’t do anything (I’m assuming), so it’s not right or fair of him to take it out on her. If that’s the way he feels he’s not ready to be in a relationship yet.

No, I agree - I think it’s entirely possible that he was cheated on in the past, and therefore, doesn’t trust his current girlfriend. But never letting her spend time with any other male is not a “normal” reaction. A normal reaction is feeling nervous when she goes out on her own, but reminding yourself that a) if she wants to cheat, she’ll find a way, since you can’t keep her under lock and key 24/7, and b) even if you could, there’s no joy in having a relationship with someone who would be cheating if she only had the chance. So you either decide to trust her and let her go out, or you admit to yourself you’re not ready to trust anyone yet, and you break up.

I’ve seen several guys who wouldn’t let their girlfriends go out with other guys (and vice versa), and it never, ever gets better. Indulging those (perfectly normal and understandable) feelings of mistrust doesn’t make them go away; it reinforces them. It’s not like the guy or girl who is suspicious eventually realizes, “Okay, I can see that these are good guys/girls and nothing is going on here, and I can trust them.” It just makes them more mistrustful about the times they aren’t there: “Well, I know for sure she’s/he’s not cheating with them, but that’s only because I’m keeping an eye on them. Her/his coworkers, though, I don’t know. And what about when she/he ‘goes shopping alone’ - what’s really going on?” And it just gets crazier and crazier. Because they’re never actually building trust in their partner; they’re just babysitting.

Ok. Distrust is a normal reaction to being cheated on, but I’d agree that his behavior could be over the line. There’s a big difference between “I have to go everywhere with you”, and “let’s talk about this so I can deal with it better”. I’m just concerned that in the pile on, the possibility that the cause is something different, and perhaps the symptoms aren’t being reported objectively, that this might not be as bad as it sounds.

But when behavior crosses certain lines, the cause really doesn’t matter that much. If he’s basing a relationship on some kind of possesiveness and distrust, I can see that it definitely won’t work out it in the end.

The problem is not the he doesn’t trsust other guys. We’re pigs. I know that several of my wife’s friends would gladly sleep with her during Sunday lunch with their parents present.

I trust my wife 100% and if I didn’t, it’d be buh-bye.

Run from the guy.

I’m not sure about him or his past relationships, barely know him.
But know that I remember, the girl told me went she went to a trip abroad she got drunk and almost has sex with someone, and apparently that made a big dent on them.

The thing that really worries me is that she clearly said to me, she can go with her lady friends and family without him, but whenever there’s another guy involved, he is coming over, because he feels so bad that she is going out with other guys that may harm her.

She literally told me:
“no matter that i know you and I know you won’t do anything, he mistrusts you just because you are guys, and that makes me realize that she is afraid to lose me”

And she says that I cannot understand because I don’t have a girlfriend, and maybe no one will ever want to understand her (yeah sure, because relationships are something so new that you are breaking new ground).

I mean, really? I hate it when people says that I don’t understand because I don’t have a girlfriend.

It’s true there could be any number of reasons why the boyfriend feels the way he does, but since all we have to go by is the info in the OP (which isn’t much) there is no way of knowing why he’s acting like that. Maybe he does have emotional baggage that can be worked out, but by not letting the girlfriend see male friends by herself, and tagging along even when he’s apparently not having a good time, he’s not doing anything to help himself, either.

The reason why people get so worked up over situations like this is because many, many people have either been abuse victims or seen it happen to a friend or relative.

It happened to one of my sisters. Her asshole fiancee first didn’t want her going out with her male friends (or our brothers!) without him. She had to call the second she was about to leave work and call the second she got home, and God forbid she stop off somewhere or get held up in traffic (long tearful explanations followed.) This was late 80’s before cell phones, thank God, or I’m sure he would have been sending one of those “where RU” texts every 5 seconds.

We went on vacation in Virginia and he’d call the hotel room at random intervals to make sure she was there. Then she couldn’t even go out with female friends on her own, and one night he wouldn’t let her come home at night. My mother is quite old-fashioned and raised the roof over that one and forced her to dump the guy; harassment on the phone and a few stalking attempts followed.

The guy later turned out to be a serial arsonist.

So yeah, maybe it’s unfair to think that the OP’s friend’s boyfriend will turn out to be that kind of scumbag, but it’s happened entirely too often and to those who have seen it it’s damn scary.

I said to her the same thing, but she said the boyfriend is afraid that we might physically force her to do something, and that’s why he feels better when coming over with her.
And then she goes saying that there’s a lot of insecurity in the streets and he would want to be there if something happens.

Sure, it’s possible. But my experience is that people who’ve been the victim of a real world situation (like having a partner cheat on them) are generally able to put it in perspective. They’re aware the possibility exists but they don’t obsess over it.

Generally the people who obsess are the ones who are not responding to external events. They’re responding to their own internal feelings. If your partner has an affair, you’ll associate infidelity with that person. But if you’re having an affair, then the idea of infidelity is present in your mind and you’ll associate it with everything you encounter. Then the rationalization sets in and you decide the reason why everything makes you think about infidelity is because everything is guilty of infidelity.

Obviously this is not universal. You’re correct that some people really have been the innocent victim and maybe this guy’s last ten girlfriends all cheating on him through no fault of his own.

Oh, swell, the “other guys might harm her” so he’s gotta ride along to “protect” her. In his mind, he’s not an insecure dweeb with trust issues, he’s her White Knight Protector. :dubious::rolleyes::eek:

Not to mention the fact that all other men are Neanderthal horndogs who just can’t wait to snatch up some other dude’s woman, and he can’t bear to lose her so Sir White Knight has got to be there to “protect” her from the woman-snatching scum. :rolleyes::smack::eek:

Unfortunately, it does sound like the Controlling Asshole is strong with this one. Equally unfortunately, there isn’t anything you can do about it. She seems to either like or tolerate this treatment, so telling her what he’s doing is fucked up is only going to alienate her.

About all you can do is go on as you have, and decide whether spending time with her is worth having the boyfriend tagging along. And be ready to help her if she ever realizes she wants out and can’t do it alone.

Yeah, I can definitely see problems in the guys behavior (as reported in the OP). I mainly thought that everybody identifying one possible cause seemed a little too easy. But in the end it’s the behavior, not the cause, that is the problem.

I get what you mean about not responding to external events. I doubt this girl has given him a reason to be distrustful of her. It’s never going to work out when you base a relationship on your memories of past ones. I hope for those two the OP’s desciption is off base.