Friendship Issue...

Background; I’m at college right now, studying in my sophomore year. I’m a guy…and I have a friend and she is having a particular difficult time right now with all sorts of things. She’s very dear to me, and all of that. Parental and familial issues in regard to divorce and breaking up with her boyfriend have left her very distraught. It pains me to see her this way, being such a good friend to me, but it seems like she isn’t letting anyone even talk to her about it. Is there anything I can do?

Consider writing her a brief note. Without mentioning specifics, let her know that you are aware that she is going through some rough times and that if she wants to talk with you about it, you can listen without judgment. Then be willing to do just that.

Don’t give advice unless she asks for it. If she talks about it, ask her questions that are along the lines of “Well, how did that make you feel?” or “What are you doing to work past this?”

Sometimes just saying, “That must feel really rotten” is all anyone can say.

But there is also the possibility that remaining silent about it may be the best way that she has of coping with it right now. Is she attending class? Is she getting plenty of rest and food to eat?

Also, get her off campus for a walk if you can. Exercise can do wonders – especially as the weather begins to turn warm.

One of my closest male friends did as Zoe suggested, with writing me a note of caring, truly listening, and allowing and encouraging me to work through a tough time, without forcing advice on me. He also knew how to handle tears, which many guys are a little sketchy with. (If confronted with a crying jag, tissues and a shoulder to cry on are best. Let her cry it out. Tears are healthy.) I will always be grateful for that. I will also always be grateful for the hugs I got from him when I needed them.

I think your friend has something good going for her. You care enough to help, and to get advice on how to help.

I would add one other thing. Laughter is great medicine. Take her to a funny movie once in a while.

  1. Validate. It’s good for people in your friend’s situation to hear that it’s okay and understandable for them to be feeling the way they do, and that there’s nothing wrong with it. Say that you reckon most people in her situation would feel the same way.

  2. Listen. Make it clear that if she wants to be alone, you’re okay with that, but that you are willing to listen and to hear her out. You might like to mention that often, talking just makes things seem better. It just does.

  3. Respect. Make it clear that you’d like to help and are willing to, but don’t preach and don’t try to take anything away from the fact that it’s her life, and she wants to run it her way, making her own decisions. She’ll ask for as much advice as she wants. Give when asked and not otherwise, and allow her to take or reject your advice as she pleases.

  4. Love. Just do the small things that can mean a lot. Be there for her when she needs you. Call to see how she is, and make it clear you’re calling just for that reason. Stop by with a small gift, something you know she likes. Suggest things to do together, and don’t mind if she doesn’t want to join in. Tuck a note under her door telling her where you’ll be just in case she wants to talk. Stuff like that, as appropriate.

ianzin, that’s brilliant! Mind if I steal it and send it to a few friends?

Do as you please. You can plug my website too, if you want! Validate / Listen / Respect / Love can be morphed into a neat acronym, VaLReL, which … and here’s the cute part … can itself be regarded as equating to VALue RELationships. Neat, if you like that sort of thing.

I’ve used the VaLReL formula a lot, and it seems to work. It’s also good for when someone’s really angry at you and spoiling for a fight or a row.

Speaking from experience, I can tell you that acting normal and fun to be around is often better than a pity party.

No, I’m not accusing you of anything like that! Just saying that, when I was going through my Bad Times, I encountered a lot of people, not just one, who had been fairly neutral towards me when I hadn’t been depressed, then, when they could tell that I was hurting, offered ears and shoulders and tissues and so forth. Good in the short run, but it established an unhealthy pattern: I never got so much attention as when I was sad, so subconsciously, I felt encouraged to keep wallowing.

Then, when I felt happier, and was so happy to be happy, so to speak, that I wanted to share it with others, as well as thank the people who’d been so supportive…I was rebuffed. “Oh, jeez, not Rilchie again! She’s always depressed!” Excuse me? I came skipping up to you with a big smile on my face? Isn’t that what you wanted to see? No, you see: they weren’t really my friends. They’d just been nice to a person in need…but it wasn’t like we had, you know, stuff in common or anything. I was just gonna have to be happy somewhere else, now that they’d done their good deed.

I don’t know the young woman mentioned in the OP, but I think it’s a safe bet that she wants to feel better; she wants to move on from this. She may feel like “Everyone’s looking at me and thinking I’m such a downer…and I can’t stop being depressed…so I can’t talk to anyone until I’m happy again…but how can I get happy again if I don’t talk to people?” She’s probably caught in a spiral something like that. So you, stccrd, can help her break out of it by giving her a reason to be happy. And by reacting to her not like she’s a “poor thing”, but like she’s happy, and hopefully, that will give her spirit a jump start so she can start being happy. It sounds like your friendship with her goes back a ways, and that’s half of what she needs right there: someone who likes her for herself, not just someone who feels sorry for her.

Boy, I hope that made some kind of sense. And, of course, if she wants to talk, others have given good advice on how to listen.

Thanks everyone for your great tips! This weekend I had a chance to spend some time with my friend, and used lots of your tips. Such as listening and not interjecting advice unless sought. She is doing much better. I was pretty sure that with time, and with some support, she’d be fine. Anyways, I’ve learned a great deal. Thanks!