I know…I was just mentioning that it was another position.
She would from me. The point of giving a gift is to show thoughtfulness for the giftee. Giving them (or in this case giving someone else something in their name) something that you know for a fact that goes completely against what they believe is intolerably rude and demonstrates that you really don’t give a crap about them in the first place.
Er, no, Weirddave. Not that I’ve spoken up in this thread yet, but I at least support the OP’s actions because, and I quote:
The family’s been given fair warning. They know, or should know, that such an act wouldn’t be welcome. If they had not been made aware previously, I would agree with you that the reaction was overkill. As it is, it was justified.
Indygrrl, you are excellent. That is all. Tralalalala… 
Well, I would have to assume that her relatives are mentally challenged if they didn’t see that attaching someone’s name to a belief they don’t hold is the equivalent of calling them stupid. In my opinion it was a clear case of “we know you don’t want us to do this, but we want you to associate yourselves with our cause so we’re doing it.” I mean, what if the OP was in a mixed marriage and their donation was to the local white supremist movement because they truly felt they’d be doing him a favor?
I have no wish to deny people their religious affiliation as long as they don’t associate me with it in any way. I would find it rude for anyone to associate anyone with a cause they didn’t embrace.
I should start a pit thread about the misuse of strawman. I probably won’t, but I should.
The evidence to the contrary is Indygrrl’s first-hand knowledge of the characters of the grandparents, and the history of how they’ve interacted with other members of their family with whom they’ve had religious disagreements.
Aside from the fact that they could have donated the money in their own name if all they were doing was giving to a charity. This act was so much more than that.
If Epi had looked in the book, it would have simply said “SPICY JELLY! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!” over and over again.
[Bolding mine.]
My mother is very set in her ways and off-the-charts religious. However, she certainly isn’t old and this sort of thing would be exactly what she’d do even despite repeated requests for her to stop. Just because in another 20 odd years she’ll have more of the above behind her belt, doesn’t mean that the same gesture would then become well-meaning. On the other hand, I have an aunt of a similar persuasion who would cease and desist once finding out the manner of her gift was unwelcome. No need of anything there short of a polite thank you all around, because she did have good intentions.
The only thing my mother would understand (maybe) is a direct opposite result to her actions with something she abhors. Much like what was done here or has been suggested. Further, I don’t like causes like PETA and would feel the same if I’d ask someone NOT to donate in my name and yet they persisted. Then my contribution to Deer Hunters United to Feed the Homeless might be in order. Finally, at least she didn’t dash off the accompanying note with “Fuck you very much!” and midi to some Marilyn Manson tunes. Just sayin’. I consider the reply, at the very least, above civil.
YES! If a bunch of fundies gave me jelly, I may be tempted to convert back.
You are probably partially correct; there is a distinct dislike of organized religion here, but I don’t think this thread and Indygrrl’s action was about the religion so much as it was about the grandparents being dicks, period. They just happen to choose the religious arena for their dickishness.
That said, you make me look like a piker for my revenge shower gift of a bright-salmon-pink skanky lingerie set for my sister, Indy.
I think charitable donations as gifts should come with gift receipts like they give you when you buy a present at Bloomingdale’s, or Target. That way, if you don’t think the donation fits you, you can ask for a refund.
The cream cheese is important. It cuts the heat but doesn’t smother the flavor.
Or, she’s just a miserable, childish bitch who was having a bad day, and wanted to be pissed off about something.
OMG, those evil grandparents sent me… a BIRTHDAY CARD! A card that expressed their personal beliefs, how could they do such a thing! Then they go and make a donation to a charity in my name. Wow, I mean those old fuckers really have some stones, don’t they? Giving money to a charity, that’s just low.
Maybe Indygrrl could grow the fuck up, instead of acting like a 5 year old. My mother in law sent us the frigging ugliest Easter chotchke you’ve ever seen, you think we get angry because she’s always sending us ugly crap we can never throw away because it will offend if it’s not around somewhere when she visits? No, because we’re not little children anymore, we’re adults. My MIL is a person who thinks ugly trinkets are just the bestest thing ever, so we’re going to get them every year. Indygrrl’s GPsIL think religion is the best thing ever, so she’s going to get religious themed things from them.
Deal with it.
And the polite way to do a charitable donation is to donate to the cause that the ‘recipient’ favors [sort of like the funeral announcements where in lieu of flowers they ask that you donate to the lefthanded basketweavers widows and orphans fund. You dont go and donate to something else … ]
If you don;t know what the person favors, pick something neutral out like arts in the classroom [to benefit kids of all stations, ethnicities and creeds] or a local to the recipient emergency organization [hospitals and emergency crews almost always need equipment or facility upgrades/replacements] or even the Red Cross.
I would never donate to united negro fund for one of my seriously KKK oriented aquaintences, or the KKK for my ethiopian jewish co-worker. Even if I was rabidly christian I wouldnt be so rude as to give people gifts that are wildly inappropriate for them. My parents raised me to take into account peoples sensibilities when choosing a gift.
As far as I see it, the grandparents donating to a catholic charity for people who have already indicated they do not share the same beliefs is just wrong. They could have easily donated the same money to a school or emergency facility in either community.
It seems to me that the best way to handle insensitive or rude elderly relatives who have done no real actual harm other than to be annoying would be to ignore them. Turn the other cheek. As opposed to, you know, retaliation, which is most likely to result in either escalation or severed relationships (or both). Being rude to people who are rude to you makes the world a ruder place. They’re gonna die someday; why not just roll your eyes and toss the card in the trash if that’s how you feel.
But, just out of curiosity, are you admantly anti-ugly chotchkes? Do you make it known to your mother-in-law that receiving them goes against your personal beliefs? Have you repeatedly asked her not to give you ugly chotchkes?
Furthermore, just because someone is older, doesn’t automatically mean that they can be construed (by the general populace at large – not necessarily you) as good people in and of themselves or for what they do. Sometimes spiteful assholes grow up to be elderly assholes. I mean, how old did Ty Cobb live to be? Perhaps an adult who is that advanced in age should “grow the fuck up” and not intentionally, repeatedly, go against another’s wishes.
[Disclaimer: I’m a pussy when it comes to trying to keep the peace in my tiny little family. We have enough drama and disfunction all on our own coming from my mother without anyone else perpetuating more. Therefore, I’d have only said something to her and anyone else would’ve gotten a pass. And for ugly chotchkes (not that I’m anti or anything), if I wasn’t allowed to re-gift the buggers, they’d stay in their special box to only be trotted out for whenever the offender darkened my door.]
This part I don’t understand. You tell others to “grow the fuck up,” but apparently don’t realize yourself that just because someone wants to give you something that you don’t want is no reason you need to keep or display it.
Yeah, Indy probably would have been better to ignore it. But I imagine she and her hubby HAVE ignored countless such incidents over time. Sometimes mere mortals find it appropriate to respond to repeated cluelessness and insensitivity, even when committed by friends and family whom you would hope knew better.
As far as responses go, I think hers sounds pretty darned proportionate.
I’m with Revenant Threshold. No matter what happens in the course of history, family drama and childish pissing matches will always be in vogue. Pissing matches that involve donations to charity are the healthiest and most positive type of pissing match I’ve ever heard of.