Fun Grandfather stuff

My high school buddy became a grandfather a couple of weeks ago. And he’ll be getting a 2nd grandchild in a week or two, and yet a third one in January.

He’s going to go with the philosophy that “Grandpas are there to help children to get into the mischief they haven’t thought of yet.” With this in mind, I’m wondering…

What is the best age to teach a child how to make armpit farts? Is there a different age for girls than for boys?

Boys = 4

Girls = 3

I think armpit farts are the uncle’s job. Grandfathers are more about kindling fires and starting collections and driving tractors.

Armpit farts were the big bro’s and cousin’s jobs.

One grandfather taught us how to fish, chew tobacco (the angriest that I ever saw my mom get) and drive the garden tractor. The other one told us stories (actually both did this), looked the other way when we snuck a smoke behind the barnand told my mom or granny a bold faced lie whenever he bought us ice cream too close to meal time. They both explained card playing strategies to us that made most of their grandkids pretty decent card players.

Your buddy has a couple of years to develop a strategy. :smiley:

I’m pretty sure that is the job of uncles. Revenge for all the dick things our siblings did to us when we were little and all.

I agree almost entirely with missred*. Granddads seem to specialize in “pull my finger,” not armpit farts. And lying about treats too close to supper time, lying about the size of the fish we caught, lying about whether I actually finished raking the yard by myself or if someone helped, etc. Also, letting us drive tractors and trucks around the farm as soon as we were (almost) tall enough to reach the pedals, or raiding Grandma’s kitchen to outfit my playhouse so that I could make mudpies decorated with elderberries (boy, was that little old woman NOT HAPPY when she discovered all of her dishes outdoors in the dirt!)

My favorite of either of my grandfathers’ funny tricks, though: My maternal grandfather was missing an index finger thanks to an accident at the lumber yard. The amputation took four bones - all three finger joints plus the metacarpal - and, unless you were really looking for something, you barely even noticed that a finger was missing. (No stump, the worst of the scar was in the webbing between the thumb and palm.) When we kids were small, and just learning to count, he’d admire our skills, and let us sit on his lap to count his fingers… :smiley: (And, when we finally figured out that Granddaddy was actually missing a finger, he explained the circumstances: “I was picking my nose and a booger bit it off!”)

Same grandfather had lost sight in one eye when he was a little kid, and had a glass eye cover for cosmetic reasons. (Of course, he almost never wore it - only when Grandmother made him, for pictures or “formal” occasions.) He also had three pretty daughters. Granddaddy was a very mild-mannered man (I literally never heard him raise his voice,) but he had his opinions. When my mother or her sisters brought home a boyfriend that didn’t meet Granddaddy’s approval, he’d wait until the couple returned home from their date, and then announce that he was going to bed, but he’d keep an eye on them… and then put his glass eye on the mantel. Apparently, a lot of teenage boys in one rural county found that downright creepy!

The great thing about granddads, though, is that they seem to let kids “reach” just a little further than parents - do things just a little beyond what Mom believes safe and age-appropriate, wander just a little farther, take a few more risks, eat a little more chocolate before dinner - and they’ve had a few years to learn to realistically assess risks and children and life in general. Plus, they know that, at the end of the day, he got to do the really fun stuff (fishing, telling jokes, etc.,) and he can send the little brats back home for baths and balanced meals and bedtimes and all of those other boring things…

*Except IME, Grandma taught card playing. And we learned to never let her keep score. She would cheat her own grandchildren at gin or rummy!

Take into account that those three kids are born so close that, unless they have cousins on the other side, they are the oldest - someone has to train them!
Abuelita taught us to play board games and card games. She also had a bunch of construction games, which she’d dole out slowly as we became dexterous enough for them. Books on the other hand, if you could get it you could read it (of course this was combined with a strategy where the kid’s books were on the lower shelves). There were books in four rooms of her house, including one which almost never got open but we could go in to get books (not to stay).

She always treated us “seriously”: did not make fun of our little worries, did not cheat on us at games, and while she made it very clear that “grownup conversation” and cooking took precedence, at other times was perfectly happy to show us photographs or heirloom items and tell us their story.
Abuelito died when I was 3 and my other grandparents… they taught us that grown-ups aren’t necessarily nice, or trustworthy. In my nephew’s case, this was taught by his uncle on the other side; is there a requirement for every family to have at least one of those assholes?

Thinking back, my grandpap taught me to play cards, and how to lose gracefully (he always won, in part by memorizing every single card that had already been played in a game). He also would have taught me to hunt, had I ever asked (and many years later I’m kicking myself for not ever asking). Oh, and I also got a lot of philosophy from him, though he’d never have called it that.

Gross songs, however, I learned from my uncle, and have dutifully passed down to my nieces and nephew. And I’m pretty sure they also know that I have their back for any dangerous science experiments they might want to do.

Yep. No older siblings, and the uncles will be the cousin’s dads, so are they going to want to teach a niece or nephew something the niece/nephew will in turn be teaching their own child? I know there are 3 somewhat older 2nd cousins geographically close to the one who’s here now. And I don’t know about other side cousins.

Eh, there’s time.

Does your buddy have dentures? If not, he needs to get some toot sweet, for the classic Granddad Waggling His Dentures gambit. Whether the child screams with delight or terror, it’s sure to provide much entertainment for all!

(Disclaimer: Neither of my grandfathers had dentures. But my grand-uncle did, and enjoyed waggling them at small children, particularly strangers’ children in public places. Karma got him, though. He once tried to teach me and some of my cousins how to throw a cast net. We kids didn’t learn how to fish for our supper that evening, but we learned a new game: Diving for Dentures!)

Really, any aftermarket body parts have the potential for amusing/amazing/terrifying small children…