Fundamentalists, please read this tale.

[Shiva418]

I found this on another boards archives and just had to shar it with everyone. I’m posting this story in the Pit because I expect a somewhat negative response from certain people. However, if you do object to this story, PLEASE explain why.

Kissing Hank’s Ass
Sketchy Albedo writes:
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the
door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man
spoke first:
“Hi! I’m John, and this is Mary.”

Mary: “Hi! We’re here to invite you to come kiss Hank’s ass with
us.”

Me: “Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who’s Hank, and
why would I want to kiss his ass?”

John: “If you kiss Hank’s ass, he’ll give you a million dollars; and
if you don’t, he’ll kick the shit out of you.”

Me: “What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?”

John: “Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town.
Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he
wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can’t until you kiss
his ass.”

Me: “That doesn’t make any sense. Why…”

Mary: “Who are you to question Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a
million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on the ass?”

Me: “Well maybe, if it’s legit, but…”

John: “Then come kiss Hank’s ass with us.”

Me: “Do you kiss Hank’s ass often?”

Mary: “Oh yes, all the time…”

Me: “And has he given you a million dollars?”

John: “Well no, you don’t actually get the money until you leave
town.”

Me: “So why don’t you just leave town now?”

Mary: “You can’t leave until Hank tells you to, or you don’t get the
money, and he kicks the shit out of you.”

Me: “Do you know anyone who kissed Hank’s ass, left town, and
got the million dollars?”

John: “My mother kissed Hank’s ass for years. She left town last
year, and I’m sure she got the money.”

Me: “Haven’t you talked to her since then?”

John: “Of course not, Hank doesn’t allow it.”

Me: “So what makes you think he’ll actually give you the money if
you’ve never talked to anyone who got the money?”

Mary: “Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe
you’ll get a raise; maybe you’ll win a small lotto; maybe you’ll just
find a twenty dollar bill on the street.”

Me: "What’s that got to do with Hank?

John: “Hank has certain connections.’”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con
game.”

John: “But it’s a million dollars, can you really take the chance?
And remember, if you don’t kiss Hank’s ass he’ll kick the shit of
you.”

Me: “Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details
straight from him…”

Mary: “No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank.”

Me: “Then how do you kiss his ass?”

John: “Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass.
Other times we kiss Karl’s ass, and he passes it on.”

Me: “Who’s Karl?”

Mary: “A friend of ours. He’s the one who taught us all about
kissing Hank’s ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a
few times.”

Me: “And you just took his word for it when he said there was a
Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would
reward you?”

John: “Oh no! Karl’s got a letter Hank sent him years ago
explaining the whole thing. Here’s a copy; see for yourself.”
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on “From
the desk of Karl” letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

• Kiss Hank’s ass and he’ll give you a million dollars when
  you leave town.
• Use alcohol in moderation.
• Kick the shit out of people who aren’t like you.
• Eat right.
• Hank dictated this list himself.
• The moon is made of green cheese.
• Everything Hank says is right.
• Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
• Don’t drink.
• Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
• Kiss Hank’s ass or he’ll kick the shit out of you.

Me: “This would appear to be written on Karl’s letterhead.”

Mary: “Hank didn’t have any paper.”

Me: “I have a hunch that if we checked we’d find this is Karl’s
handwriting.”

John: “Of course, Hank dictated it.”

Me: “I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?”

Mary: “Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people.”

Me: “I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they’re
different?”

Mary: “It’s what Hank wants, and Hank’s always right.”

Me: “How do you figure that?”

Mary: “Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.’ That’s good
enough for me!”

Me: “Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.”

John: “No way! Item 5 says ‘Hank dictated this list himself.’
Besides, item 2 says ‘Use alcohol in moderation,’ item 4 says ‘Eat
right,’ and item 8 says ‘Wash your hands after going to the
bathroom.’ Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must
be true, too.”

Me: “But #9 says ‘Don’t Drink,’ which doesn’t quite go with #2.
And #6 says ‘The moon is made of green cheese,’ which is just
plain wrong.”

John: “There’s no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2.
As to 6, you’ve never been to the moon, so you can’t say for sure.”

Me: “Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is
made of rock…”

Mary: “But they don’t know if the rock came from the Earth, or
from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.”

Me: “I’m not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon
came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing
where the rock came from doesn’t make it cheese.”

John: “Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but
we know Hank is always right!”

Me: “We do?”

Mary: “Of course we do, Item 5 says so.”

Me: “You’re saying Hank’s always right because the list says so,
the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank
dictated it because the list says so. That’s circular logic, no
different than saying ‘Hank’s right because he says he’s right.’”

John: “Now you’re getting it! It’s so rewarding to see someone
come around to Hank’s way of thinking.”

Me: “But…oh, never mind. What’s the deal with wieners?”

Mary blushes. John says: “Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It’s
Hank’s way. Anything else is wrong.”

Me: “What if I don’t have a bun?”

John: “No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.”

Me: “No relish? No Mustard?”

Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: “There’s no need for
such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!”

Me: “So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in
it would be out of the question?”

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: “I am not listening to this. La
la la, la la, la la la.”

John: “That’s disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat
that…”

Me: “It’s good! I eat it all the time.”

Mary faints. John catches her: “Well, if I’d known you where one
of those I wouldn’t have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the
shit out of you I’ll be there, counting my money and laughing. I’ll
kiss Hank’s ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater.”
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

[mischievous]

I object to it being long and pointless.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Oh, that is fabulous!

[SnoopyFan]

It’s guilty of the worst sin of all: it’s boring

[outside_artist]

I thought it was great. I saved it on my compy and sent it to a few of my pals.

[Ptahlis]

I think it’s guaranteed to offend those of a certain stripe who haven’t seen it before. But it is funny!

[tomndebb]

A tad heavy-handed (I could see where it was going by the answer to “Me”'s second question the first time I read it).

Not very witty.

And it’s been done, here, before.

(Sorry. Glurge makes me cranky.)

[iampunha]

Sometimes tedious and brief is better than tedious and five pages long.

[Larry_Mudd]

I love it when a meme comes back.

Hank’s Church got its start on a Commodore 64-based BBS called Blue Hell in Vancouver in 1985. It is the brainchild of one David New, whose psuedonym at the time seems to have escaped my memory.

Some of Hank’s “commandments” remain intact, including the dietary restrictions, which are there purely as a thumbed-nose to Malaclypse the Younger.

I may even still have my card identifying me as a Pastor of Hank’s Church.

Not mentioned: The central festival of Hank’s Church is Let’s Trod on the Poor Day.

Good times.

Of course, if I hadn’t gone all-over nostalgic just now, I’d be really irritated by such a long c&p’d post in which the line breaks haven’t even been fixed.

[bluecanary]

I think it’s great–I just (by co-incidence) posted a link to this tale in a thread about wieners somewhere else on this board

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

I think it’s great too.

[Guinastasia]

It’s good, but way too long. I lost interest almost half-way through.

[SunTzu2U]

BORING!!! DUH WHAT’S YER POINT? :

[Typo_Negative]

Haven’t I seen this somewhere before?
::scratched head::

[Siege]

Shiva418, if you’ve spent any time at all hanging around Great Debates, you’ve got to realize that all this thread will do will cause offense and strengthen Fundamentalist Christians’ resolve. They don’t see God or their representation of Him as being like that. I’ll also add one more vote for over-long and boring. I was going to ask why you’re deliberately insulting people, but then I remembered what forum I’m in.

CJ

[kambuckta]

How does providing a satirical expose of fundamentalist beliefs persuade a devout believer that their tenets are misguided, or add to the scepticism that your average non-fundamentalist has of their platform?

What is this great need of Enlightened People to point out to those who hold a religious faith the errancy of their beliefs? Personally, I don’t give a monkeys pistle what others use to get through their day. I actually get a kick out of people who have a ‘greater power’ to help them muddle through this frustrating enigma called ‘life’. Many of them seem to cruise through it a damn sight better than I do, and I (quietly) congratulate them on their faith.

So what if they are wrong? Then I get to have the last laugh? Heh…when we’re all dead and cactused, nobody will give a toss.

[labmonkey]

So what if they are wrong? Then I get to have the last laugh? Heh…when we’re all dead and cactused, nobody will give a toss. **
[/QUOTE]

Agreed, I think its just the prostelyzing can get a bit overwhelming at times, especially when it concerns what I choose to do with my pistle

[labmonkey]

So what if they are wrong? Then I get to have the last laugh? Heh…when we’re all dead and cactused, nobody will give a toss. **
[/QUOTE]

Agreed, I think its just the prostelyzing can get a bit overwhelming at times, especially when it concerns what I choose to do with my pistle

[The_Great_Philosopher]

So basically, I just a 2 page essay that didn’t say anything more than, ‘religion is stupid’ in a smart-ass way.

Great.

[Weirddave]

Yes, Philosopher, you just exactly that.