The Jack Chick of Athiesm: The Comic Book Tract Edition

With thanks to M.E. Buckner (about 8 posts down) and TheVoiceOfReason! This is dedicated to you guys! :slight_smile:

Panel One:
Suzyella and Big Bob are clearly Christians. He’s wearing a stained sleeveless tee-shirt, she’s got her hair in curlers. The mobile home is a pigsty. Little Jimmy and Sally come downstairs:

Jimmy: Mommy, I’m going out witnessing and then I’ll start a small war over religion.

Sally: I’m going too, but I’m going to commit murders. We Christians are dropping below 70%!

Suzyella: Y’all be careful out there. There’re ATHIESTS out there!

Sally: Gasp! I’m AFRAID of athiests!

Panel Two: Jimmy and Sally knock on the door of Massive_Attack. Massive_Attack answers.*
Massive: Good evening children, how may I help you?

Jimmy: You gotta become a Christian, or Sally’ll murder you!

Massive: Children, did you know that murder is WRONG?

Jimmy and Sally in unison: GASP!

Panel Three: Inside MA’s house.
Massive: Jimmy, Sally, you’re Christians, right?

Jimmy: Yeah…why?

Massive: Christianity’s wrong. This is the truth.

Sally: But…we were told it was true!

Panel Four: Extreme close up of Massive_Attack’s face. Classic Gil Kane “up the nostrils” shot.
Massive: Children, you were lied to. Did you know that Christians don’t follow there own rules [ie. 70% of murders are commited by christians], Christians are Biass against all other religions and Christians start a lot of wars over a stupid piece of dirt 1000 miles from where they are at the moment [please not that the Isrealies and the palastiniens are fighting over where they live] ?

Panel Five: Jimmy and Sally are shocked. Shocked. Tears run down Sally’s face.
Sally: But I never knew it was wrong to be biass over religions! And I thought the Isrealies and the palstininiens were just fighting over their land! How could I have been so blind!

Jimmy: Your persuasive arguments are almost convincing, But I require a bit more proof.

Panel Six: Massive_Attack’s good friend Rodger RabbitBiter walks in.
Rodger Rabbitbiter: Massive, Perhaps you are a genius, you seem to need only a few flimsy reasons to know that Christianity is a crock of shit, top to bottom, left to right, and is mind control and feudalism and sick rot fantasy based on selfish obsession and its anti-intellect hoping for the destruction of the world (and the imaginary defeat of nature and death). Oh, and if Jesus were to exist he would also be the devil, by reasons alone! (Duh!). Submissive peace, artificial love, volunteer charity are replacing freedom, justice and equality as fast as they can carve the ten commandments of their third-world-order in public school hallways. Weakness, inertia, overpopulation, cowardice, deforestation, pseudo-logic, bad air, bad water, all follow his self-important royal savior-master false prophet and his self-pity poetry, which basically says: “Screw your family, screw the future, screw you; I’ll tell you not only what to think, but what to feel!” Piss-poor poser if you ask me, all the folks now claiming to be messiahs are in mental hospitals. So what are we gonna do about it? They hate knowledge and more mass suffering and harm has flowed from the stench-waft of his zombieness than all the art and pagans destroyed in his name. I know, too bad the motherfucker won’t die, because he loves it everytime. Jimmy and Sally, you must change your ways!

Panel Seven: Jimmy and Sally hug each other, crying.
Jimmy: You have convinced me with your eloquent rhetoric. I repent my evil Christian ways. Now, I believe in nothing!

Panel Eight: Sally’s eyes are wide
Sally: Jimmy…I think we are now…[sub]athiests[/sub]

Panel Nine: Closeup of Rodger and Massive.
Massive: Yes Jimmy, Sally. You are now athiests. My logic has swayed your stupid, stupid minds. You should now go stop murdering people and starting wars.

Rodger: Yes you should also tell your parents about what you have learned rather than contiune as a piss-poor poser that says “screw your family!”

Panel Ten: Jimmy and Sally, skipping home. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and God’s not in his Heavens. All is well in the world.
Jimmy: I can’t wait to tell Mommy what Rodger said! She’ll be convinced!

Sally: I get to help Daddy with Massive’s arguments.

Jimmy and Sally in Unison: It’s FUN to be Athiest!

Jack Fenris

Hysterical, Fenris! :smiley: But you forgot the all-important checkbox at the end:


YES, I reject Chistianity as Biass and a crock of shit. I accept Atheism into my heart and will never again start wars over a stupid piece of dirt 1000 miles away.

Date: ____________________

If you have become an atheist, you have just now begun a wonderful new life. Now:

  1. Don’t read anything at all and refuse to listen to anyone who disagrees with you. They must be all dumb frightened Christians anyhow if they don’t see the wisdom of your words.

  2. Post ignorant misspelled posts on message boards and mock anyone who points out your glaring logical flaws.

  3. Surround yourself with people who think exactly the same things you do so you never have to think again.

If you do this, you are assured eternal mindless self-satisfaction! (Well, maybe it won’t be eternal. But it’ll sure seem that way to everyone else.)

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dude, can I draw that for you?

Biass. Sheeeit. In my secret laboratory, I’m now as we speak perfecting the five-assed monkey! Penta-ass!

My god, this is so…so…so…CHICK. You’ve really got parody down to a fine art.

Fenris, that was absolute pure genius. I can’t say anything except BRAVISSIMO!!!

chucks a rose onto the stage

Downstairs? In a mobile home? They are usually double-wide, not double-high! I guess that in the Jack Chick World, pretty much anything is possible, so I am prepared to believe! :smiley:
Great post, Mr. Fenris. Thanks A Million.

:: standing ovation ::

Bravo! Bravo!

It is an honor just to know you, sir.

THAT kicks.

Seriously, you should draw it, and submit it to the Jack T. Chick Parody site.

Bravo, Fenris.

Shall we put this in Teemings Extras as well?

Guin: Trust me…my drawing’s only slightly better than my singing.

::waits a moment for the horror of that statement to sink in::

Besides, I don’t know how funny it’d be if you didn’t know about “Rodger RabbitBiter” and Massive_Attack. I’d be concerned that it’d come across as a typical extreme-fundimentalist “all athiests are evil or stupid” rant. But I really appreciate the compliment

Gaudere: Wonderful! It adds the perfect ending to the “story”! (I snorted orange juice over the “No one else can save you” bit!)

Arden, VoiceOfReason, Sofa: thanks!

Wartime: How dare you allege that there’s an error in my post! Oh, sure, MOST trailers don’t contain an upstairs, but this one is a special trailer designed by Mussolini hims…
::breaks down::


Good. I am too! :wink:

Anyway, to quote Whitman: Do I contradict myself, very well, I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes.

Either that or I fucked up. :smiley:

Euty, be my guest, I’d be honored! Thanks! (but, with Gaudere’s addition too, if she doesn’t mind. To me, it improves the whole piece tremendously)


Thanks, Fenris!

You know, if we just filed off the serial numbers and made a few minor changes, we could largely re-use this one. Hitler was a devout Catholic… The Holocaust was carried out by Jesuits on the secret orders of the Pope… It’s all the fault of the Christians! (See, you Jews should abandon your superstitious belief in “God” and become good secular humanists–we’re your true friends. Pay no attention to Brian Bunnyhurt over there behind the curtain.)

Bravo. Bravisimo.

Hey, so your drawing would be BETTER than Jack Chick’s. Nobody’s gonna complain.

Fenris, if we ever meet up at a Dopefest or something, I’ll make sure you won’t have to pay for any of your drinks all fucking night. Do I make myself clear?

If I send you a piece of paper, will you autograph it for me?!

All right, already, I’ll admit it! I am a Christian, and from time to time (on very rare occasions, mind you) I have been Biass — but it’s almost always an accident I tell you!

Sometimes, just after a murder or a war, when I look at a particularly well mutilated corpse’s ass, I’ll feel a twinge of sexual excitement only to discover that there is (or had been) a penis on the other side. I don’t know whether this qualifies me for chronic Biassness or not, and frankly, I don’t care. If I am Biass, it’s for reasons alone.

(By the way, Fenris, fine work!)

Fenris, that was fine, fine work. I’m with Coldfire - you deserve free beer.


Now that was funny…

BTW, is there a website which will execute Burrough’s “cut-up” technique on text?

Can you imagine RabbitBiter’s rant sent through it?


I’d be honored, Fenris, if you wanted to use my addendum, but I really think yours was superior. You managed to play it absolutely straight, and I just couldn’t do that as well. I do think those little check boxes in Chick comics are surreally funny though:

It’s more like you’re filling out a magazine subsciption form than having a religious experience. I’m tempted to buy a bunch, check them all “no” and scatter them about. I’d feel bad if I made a fundy cry, though. :wink:

I think the best part is that M_A and BB’s posts required absolutely no exaggeration to sound Chick-like.

I liked it. It should be printed up in four colors on cheap newsprint and left where ever religious tract are distributed. How can The Watchtower compete?

I think the check boxes are designed for the younger viewers.