ahem. Read “Indian named Shortcake.” Sorry.
Q: What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen?
A: Lineoleum Blownapart!
Shamelessly stolen from CarTalk
How come Helen Keller played the piano with one hand?
Cos she sang with the other one.
No offence to anyone.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work!
Q: what do Australians call a boomerang that doesn’t return?
A: a stick
Q: Do you know why Helen Keller couldn’t drive?
A: She was a woman.
I don’t write 'em. I just say them.
This is one of my favorites, you can tell this in mixed company or around children.
A man goes to the movies and sees a woman sitting in the next row down with a dog next to her. He figures it must be a seeing eye dog, but during the film he notices that the dog seems to be watching it. During the chase seens, the dog would sit up on the edge of his seat and stare intently at the screen. During the sad scenes, the dog is whimpering noticeably. During the suspense scenes, the dog is half hiding under the seat in front and peeking out with just one eye. Finally, at the happy ending the dog jumped up and down and wagged his tail. The man walked up to the woman after the show and told her “I simply can’t believe how much your dog seemed to enjoy the movie.” The woman answered, “Me too. He didn’t like the book!”
Q: What happened when the cannibal showed up late for dinner?
A: He got the cold shoulder…
That’s actually a very cute joke.
One of my favorites is:
Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine (whine).
Tee-hee!
I read this one from a kids joke book years ago and it is funny if you imagine it in your mind’s eye:
Q: What’s yellow, then gray, then yellow, then gray?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth.
This one is dumb, too, but always cracked me up…
Q: What’s green and has wheels?
A: Grass. Forget the wheels.
I stole this one from Justin Wison
3 men are in the maternity waiting room at the hospital. T
The nurse comes in and announces the fathers name “Mr.Smith, I have good news and better news. Your wife came through the birthing wonderfull. But, your Dr. missed something. You have two babies One boy and one girl!”
"WOW"he says “That’s funny as I am a talent scout for the Minesota Twins” He gives the other two fellow a cigar and leaves.
Minutes latter the nurce returns. “Mr Jones. Suprise,suprise you have 3 babies. All boys!”
"Amazing!“he says"I work for the 3M company” He gives the 3rd guy a cigar and heads for the exit.Before he can leave the 3rd guy says.“Hold up brother!I’m leaving with you.”
“Well for God’s sake why?”
“I drive truck for 7-up.”
Pfft. This is the funniest joke ever:
A pirate walks into a bar. When the bartender notices that the pirate has the ships steering wheel tucked into his pants, he asks him about it. The pirate responds, “Aargh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef
What do you call a man with a wooden head?
Edward.
What do you call a man with two wooden heads?
Edward Wood.
What do you call a man with three wooden head?
Edward Woodward.
What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
I don’t know, but Edward Woodward would.
How did Captain Hook die?
Jock Itch.
why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
because it was dead
why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
because it was holding on to its tail
why did the third monkey fal out of the tree?
because he thought it was a game!
My all time favorite clean joke, and it’s nothing new, I’m surprised it hasn’t already been maentioned:
“Knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Murray, the incredibly rude interupting cow.”
“Murray the incredibly —”
“MOOOO!!!”
A young nun joins a convent. The rule is total silence, but once every 5 years the inmates are allowed to say one thing to the Mother Superior.
… 5 years pass by…
Nun: “Mother Superior, my bed is very hard”
M. Superior: Okay, we’ll give you a softer one
… Another 5 years pass…
Nun: “Mother Superior, I need a new Bible”
M. Superior: “You may have a new one, my child”
Another 5 years pass…
Nun: “Mother, I think I’ve lost my faith, I want to leave”
M. Superior: “Well, good riddance, you’ve done nothing but fucking moan since you got here”
Woman goes to the grocery store, gets some things and goes up to the cashier, a young man.
He starts running her things past the scanner and says, as he does so, “one TV dinner…one banana…one soda…one candybar…” He looks up and her and says, “I’m going to take a wild guess here…you’re single.”
She says, “Yes! How did you know?”
He shrugs and says, “You’re ugly.”