The subject calls for good clean jokes.
Bad clean jokes are all acceptable as well.
I’ll start…
Q: Why did the penguin join the circus?
A: Just for the Halibut.
Q: What is ET short for?
A: 'Cos he’s only got little legs.
I love 'em. The worse the better. Please no ‘dead baby’ or racist/sexist… i’ve heard 'em all.
Two cows are in a field, happily eating away. The first cow turns to the second and asks, “So, what do you think of this Mad Cow disease?”
The second cow turns back and replies, “Why are you asking me, I’m a helicopter.”
Did you hear about the male cow that swallowed dynamite? It was abominable (a-bomb-in-a-bull)
(I love good clean puns too)
One day, the good Comrade Rudolf was in his kitchen with his wife when a sharp pain suddenly stuck his knee. “Sweetheart, the pain is back, rain is sure to come down soon, go fetch in the laundry”, he said.
“But can you be sure sweet husband”, the wife replied.
“Certainly, because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!”
(One last one… for now)
Kermit the Frog found himself in financial dire straits, having not been in many movies lately. He went to the bank, and spoke with the loan officer, one Ms. Paddywack. She interviewed him regarding personal references, to which he replied that his father, Mick Jagger, would cosign the loan statement if required.
Somewhat surprised and skeptical at this, she next inquired about collateral he would have for the loan. Sheepishly, he pulled a snowglobe out of his pocket, stating that that was all he had left to his name.
Again, somewhat surprised, she called her boss into the office to review the facts and ESPECIALLY the snowglobe collateral. Looking everything over, he calmly said to the officer…
(forgive me for this)
“It’s a knick-knack Paddywhack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame Way!
Did you hear about the new bird disease going around?
It’s called Twirpeese.
It’s a Canarial disease.
It’s Untweetable.
Why don’t seagulls fly across the bay?
If they did they’d be bagels!
What did the mayonnaise say to the mustard?
Turn around, I’m dressing!
Why did the elephamt go to medical school?
He wanted to be a Pachydermatologist.
Man With No Ears
There was a man who was in a horrible accident and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered from the accident was
the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual
handicap, he was very self-conscious about having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from
the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
business, so he decided he now had the means to own a business.
He went out and purchased a small but expanding computer firm.
However, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so
he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the
business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each
of them. The first interview went really well. He liked the man
quite a bit.
His last question for this candidate was, “Do you notice anything
unusual about me?”
The guy said, “Now that you mention it, you have no ears.” The
man became very upset and threw the guy out of the office.
The second interview went even better than the first. This
candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the
man asked the same question again, “Do you notice anything
unusual about me?”
This guy also noticed, “Yes, you have no ears.” The man became
very distraught, and threw the second candidate out of the
office.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even
better than the second – the best out of all of them. Almost
certain that he wanted to hire this candidate, the man once again
asked, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”
The candidate replied “Yes, as a matter of fact I do. You’re
wearing contact lenses.”
Surprised, the asked, “Wow! That’s quite perceptive of you! How
could you tell?”
Surprised, the employer asked, “Wow! That’s quite perceptive of you! How
could you tell?”
“Well, you can’t wear glasses because you have no ears!!”
Back in Babylonian times, a spy was caught. As was tradition at the time, he was held captive and was to be killed at sunrise.
During the night, he managed to escape. As he stole away, the generals of the Babylonian army summoned their troops and began a search. The escaped spy hid in a ziggaurat, but the night turned cold, and our spy lit a fire to keep warm. As the moon rose, a Babylonian general saw the smoke of a fire rising from a ziggaurat. He investigated, found the spy and, as the sun was rising, returned him to be executed.
[sub]And the moral to our story is…[/sub]
WARNING: The searchin’ general has determined that smoking ziggaurats can be hazardous to your stealth.
[hijack]The phrase “good clean fun” means “sex in the shower.”[/hijack]
Two ornithologists were on expedition in Africa to try to gather information on the mythical, elusive Foo bird. They had found a native to guide them who was familiar with the Foo and its usual watering holes. The only advice he gave them was, “if the Foo happens to defecate upon you, do not attempt to wipe it off. You must let it dry first, for it is poisonous and the poison is activated by smearing.” The researchers agreed.
After a few days in the jungle, they finally came upon the magnificent creature. However, sensing foreigners, the Foo flew away, evacuating its bowels in flight, the contents of which landed on one of the researchers’ head. He tried valiantly to heed the guide’s advice, but was soon so overcome by the stench that he wiped it off and immediately expired.
Moral: If the Foo sh*ts, wear it.
My favorite (again):
Q:What did the dog say to the cat?
A:We’re parked in section E.
If you find the latter joke funny at all, please accept my proposal of virtual marriage.
Why dont elephants have little bells mounted on the handlebars of their trikes?
…because they dont have thumbs to work the ringer.
One day, a group of friars decided that they needed to raise money for their parish. So they opened a flower shop, right in the middle of the town. The other flower shop owners got mad, because EVERYone would want to buy flowers from the men of God. So, being the ethical salesmen that they are, they hired Hugh McTaggart, the toughest SOB in town, to go “shut the business down”. Hugh went over to the friar’s shop, smashed the windows, wrecked the plant, and chased them away, proving that Hugh, and ONLY Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
What did the snail say when riding on a turtle’s back?
WHEEEEEEEEE!
First-graders love that joke.
Q. How do you get down off an elephant?
A. You don’t. You get down off a duck.
I first heard this when I was about 4 years old. I didn’t get it. I became QUITE concerned; whenever I saw movies with people riding elephants, I always asked how they got down off the elephants, and my parents would just laugh and say they didn’t, they got down off ducks…
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon network!”
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then
began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The
teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!”
Three tomatos are walking along the street. The mama tomato and the papa tomato are in the lead and little baby tomato is struggling behind. Papa tomato, who always had a bit of an temper, didn’t like that they had to slow down for baby tomato so he went back to the little baby tomato, slapped him across the face and yelled “Catch up!”
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinosaurus?
elephino.
Have I told you about Bessy, the claravoyant cow?
Not only could she see into the future, but she could see into the pasture too!
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have fat fingers. :rolleyes:
Q: What happened when the (female) cow swallowed dynamite?
A: Udder destruction.
So far so good.
Q. Why do cows have bells
A. 'Cos their horns don’t work.
Q: How did Darth Vader know what he was getting for Xmas?
A: He felt his presense (sp?)
Q: What did the Ocean say to the Sandcastle?
A: Nothing it just waved.
Q: Why did the lobster blush?
A: 'cos the sea weed.
keep 'em coming.
So this guy walks into his doctor’s office one day. He’s got a banana sticking out of each ear, a grape in each nostril, an apple under each armpit and an orange in his mouth.
The doc takes him into his examining room, but before he can speak, the man removes the orange from his mouth and says, “Doc, you have to help me! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”
The Doc writes something down on his pad, then looks up and says, “Sir, you’re not eating right.”
Ba-dum-dum. 