Soccer Jokes! But with a lot of insight.
A bit too ORIGINAL to be really from Krispy.
At least he can copy and paste, even though he doesn’t know any of the teams :rolleyes:.
After the dynamite went off, it was noble.
Get off my back Coldfire.
No, Krispy. YOU knock it off.
We do not allow the reposting of copyrighted material and you know it.
I’m removing your jokes as we have no way of knowing who the copyright holder is.
If you had simply linked to them that would not have been a problem. And you know that as well.
You may consider this a warning. One more deliberate attempt to mess with us and you can take you and your soccer phobia elsewhere.
your humble TubaDiva
Administrator
Sorry TubaDiva.
I honestly didn’t know that jokes could be copyrighted, nor did I realize that this thread called for personally written jokes.
The link that Coldfire provided was not the source I found them at.
I won’t post anymore jokes.
Roy Rogers, the King of the Cowboys[sup]TM[/sup], was sitting on his porch, at the Double R Bar Ranch[sup]TM[/sup], playing his guitar, and admiring his brand new Texas Cowboy boots.
They were made of the toughest Texas Bull Hide, and lined with the softest Texas calfskin, and tooled and decorated with Rhinestones, and gold piping. They were burnished to a golden brown sheen that showed the light of the Texas sun. Truly, these were boots fit for the King of the Cowboys[sup]TM[/sup].
Just then, a puma jumped down from the roof of the porch, and snatched up one of the boots, and lit out for the horizon. Quick as a flash, Roy jumped up on Trigger, and rode off after him. He chased that puma all day. But he lost him. Then he tracked that puma all night. But he couldn’t find him. So finally he went home, and sat down on the porch and began to sing a sad song, and gaze at his lone remaining boot.
Just then, Pat Butram, Roy’s faithful sidekick, drove up to the Double R Bar Ranch[sup]TM[/sup], in his Jeep[sup]TM[/sup], Nellibelle. Pat walked up to the porch, and dropped a dead puma down on the floor. Out of the corner of its mouth there was a single strand of gold piping, trailing a few threads of fine Texas calfskin.
Pat said, “Pardon me Roy, Is that the cat that chewed your new shoe?”
Tris
Triskadecamus,
Love ya.
A man walks into a bar with a dead woman slung over his shoulder, and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve necros here.”
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a drink and a bar towel.
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says “What’ll it be?” The seal replies “Anything but a Canadian Club”.
A penguin walks into a bar, and asks the bartender:
“Have you seen my father”?
the bartender replies:
“Dunno, what does he look like”.
Q: Why did NASA put some cows on the space shuttle?
A: They wanted to have the herd shot round the world.
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
A carrot got into a skiing accident, and when he woke up in the hospital he asked the doctor how bad he was. The doctor said, “I’m sorry sir, but you’ll be a vegetable for the rest of your life.”
haha
Hey, didja hear the one about the people who
had deja vu?
Oh, really? OK. Never mind then.
Here are two you have to demonstrate. I think they’re hilarious, but, then again, I’m the one telling the joke.
(this one you do right after washing your hands)
Knock knock?
Who’s there?
John
John who?
John the Baptist. (at this point you flick the water right at them).
OK, so a guy goes into a bar, sits down at a barstool and asks the bartender for a tequila. Bartender leans over and says “Hey, Mexican right?” (playfully slug the person’s arm as you say this).
The person will look at you strangely and say he doesn’t get the joke. So you repeat it. This time slug him a bit harder. Go into more detail on the third time, pretending that you can’t believe they don’t understand the punchline. Slug them again. Repeat until they catch on.
BTW, I don’t get the necro joke. The closest I can come is nacho but that seems a bit of a stretch.
What happened when the red ship and the blue ship collided?
The survivors were marooned.
A vulture walks on to a plane carrying two dead rabbits and the stewardess says, “Sorry sir, we only allow one carrion per passenger.”
Man wakes up after intensive surgery…“Doctor DOCTOR! I can’t feel my legs!!!” To which the Doc replies, “Yes, well, we had to amputate your arms.”
1st night, a drunk walks into a bar. “Bartender! hic Round a drinks–on me. Have one for yourself, too.” The bartender runs the drinks out and takes a shot himself. About five minutes later he approaches the drunk for the bill. He gets: “I don’t have that kind of money!” The bartender jumps over the bar, drags him to the door and hurls him out.
2nd night, same drunk walks into the bar. “Bartender! hic Round a drinks, on me. Take one yourself, too!” The bartender thinks to himself, no WAY he’s trying to pull this twice and puts out all the drinks. Takes a shot himself, and a few minutes later walks over to collect the bill. “I don’t have that kind of money!” Bartender jumps over the bar, and again drags the guy out to the door and kicks him square in the rump on the way out.
3rd night, same drunk walks in. “Bartender! hic Round a drinks, on me!” the bartender pauses…
“What, none for me tonight?”
“Hell no! You get violent when you drink!”
{{big laffs}}
necro = Negro.
I don’t get the punch on the arm joke. That’s it? You just keep punching them? 'Til they say stop it already?
What? You didn’t get it? I’ll tell it again!
um…yup. That’s pretty much the joke. Try it out. It takes most people an average of about 3 times to get it. There have been a few times, though, when I’ve simply gotten bored at telling the joke until they understood it. I think maybe someone else already told them the joke, but hit their head instead.
Ok, here goes.
A chicken walks into the public library. “Book, book, book, book?”
The librarian thinks this is cute, and gives the chicken some books. The chicken leaves, then comes back a few minutes later, drops the books in the return slot, and again asks, “Book, book, book, book?”
Again the librarian gives her some books. She leaves, and comes back, and…
The third time through, the librarian decides to follow the chicken outside and see what’s going on. The chicken walks over to a frog sitting on a bench.
“Book, book, book, book?”
To which the frog replies, “Read it, read it, read it, read it.”
I hope you liked that.
I think this proves that there are only two kinds of jokes left - dirty jokes and puns.
Here’s one that’s neither:
The first mate on a ship had too much to drink one day, so the captain wrote in the ship’s log: “The first mate was drunk today.” The next day he saw it and pleaded to have it erased from the record, but the captain insisted he couldn’t change the record unless it was incorrect. So the next day, when it was the first mate’s turn to write in the log, he wrote: “The captain was sober today.”