good CLEAN jokes

In My Humble Opinion
41

Q. Who was our tallest President?
A. Dwight D. Eiffeltower.

For years, Mr. Smith had had lunch daily at the small corner restaurant. He always sat at his favorite table, and he always started the meal with a bowl of soup. The waiters knew him so well that as soon as they saw him enter, one would get a bowl of soup and serve him just as he sat down. He would immediately begin to eat the soup with great gusto.

One day, Mr. Smith had arrived at the diner and a waiter had served him as usual. However, a minute later, the waiter looked at Mr. Smith and noticed that he was not eating the soup. The waiter went back to the table.

“Mr. Smith, what’s wrong with the soup?”

“Taste it.” Smith growled.

The waiter said, “Mr. Smith, I don’t need to taste it. Just tell me what’s wrong. Is it too hot? I’ll fan it. Is it too cold? I’ll get some fresh. Does it need salt? I’ll salt it. Just tell me and I’ll fix it.”

“Taste it, I tell you!” said Mr. Smith, raising his voice a bit.

“Okay, okay, I’ll taste it. No need to get upset. I’ll do what you want.” The waiter looks around the table. “But where’s the spoon?”

And Mr. Smith says, “AHA!”

42

Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: So he could make a clean getaway.

Q: Did you hear about the eskimo who was killed by a falling icicle?
A: He died from cold cuts.

Yeah, yeah, I know. These are still my favorites, even though I first heard 'em back in Grade 1.

43

Did you hear about the new pirate movie?
It’s rated “Arrrrh!”

A piece of rope, new to town, walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, “we don’t serve…ahem, rope here. You better get out of my bar.”
“Sheesh,” thinks the rope, “what an unfriendly bar.” So he goes another block down the street to the next bar. He goes up to a stool, and says, “Bartender, I’d like a beer, please.” The bartender begins to fill a glass and stops short. “Hey. . . you’re a piece of rope! We don’t like your kind in here. Get on out of here!”
The rope leaves the bar, confused. “Jeez, what a town! What do these people have against rope?” he thinks. “What do I have to do to just get a glass of beer around here?”
He begins to walk into the next bar, but gets an idea. He ducks into an alley, and starts to write around, rubbing himself up against to coarse brick walls and concrete, until he is entirely disshevelled and panting.
He leaves the alley an enters the bar. “Bartender, I’d like a drink!”
The bartender looks him up and down suspiciously and asks, “Say, aren’t you a. . . piece of rope?”
“Nope! I’m a frayed knot!”

Get it? get it?

44

Two guys walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have had the sense to duck.

A truck driver was driving along a deserted country road on his way to deliver some penguins to the zoo. As luck would have it his truck breaks down. He gets on his cell phone and calls a tow truck. The tow truck company agrees to pick him up but they couldn’t get there for 3 or 4 hours.

It’s a hot day and the truck driver starts worrying about the penguins. A few minutes later the truck driver sees a vehicle approaching. He flags it down and it’s a redneck in a pickup truck. The truck driver explains that he’s waiting for a tow and could the redneck take the penguins to the zoo. The redneck agrees and they put the penguins in the pickup truck and away he goes.

A couple of hours go by and the truck driver is still waiting for the tow truck when he sees a vehicle approaching. As it gets closer he notices that it’s the same redneck. He flags him down and when the truck stops the truck driver sees that the penguins are still in the back of the truck.

“What are you doing?” asks the truck driver, “I thought I told you to take the penguins to the zoo!”

“I did” replied the redneck, “and we had so much fun, now I’m taking them to the movies.”

A man loses one of his eyes in an accident. He doesn’t have much money and he can’t afford a fake glass eye, he has to settle for a wooden one. He’s very self-concious about his wooden eye and he avoids social gatherings as much as possible. The man gets too lonely after a while so he works up his courage and attends a dance. When he gets there he looks around for a woman to dance with. He finally notices one woman, sitting down, gazing longingly at the dancers. She looks okay but she has a big nose. Okay, he tells himself, this woman really looks like she wants to dance, just go ask her. He walks over to her.

Man: Would you like to dance?

Woman: Would I? WOULD I? (wood eye, wood eye)

Man: BIG NOSE! BIG NOSE!

45

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.
hee hee hee…
bwk

46

Ender,
Necros as in necrophiliacs. It’s meant as a pun on, “We don’t serve Negroes here”, a not-so-funny policy which actually existed in some establishments in this country not too long ago. Denny’s paid a big settlement because of said policy. But necros never got a dime…

47

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

Wnat did Snow White sing while waiting at the Fotomat?
“Some day, my prints will come…”

48

Paddy is sitting in a pub (in Ireland, not that i’m being stereotypical!) and another man walks in. He hails him over and says, “where do you live?”
“why, in this very village, of course.” the man replies.
“Really! same here… lets have a drink together.” Paddy retorts.
They share a drink, and soon Paddy asks, “where where you born?”
“why, in this very village, of course.” the man replies.
“Really! same here… lets have a drink together.” said Paddy.
So they share another drink and Paddy asks, “what school did you go to?”
“The one just down the road” the man replies.
“This is too much,” Paddy said, “We must share another drink!”

A little while later a local walks in, points to the two men and asks the barman, “Whats going on over there?”

“Nothing much,” replies the barman, “the O’Mally twins are getting drunk again.”

49

A man is pacing up and down outside the door of the maternity ward, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Suddenly, the nurse comes out and calls his name.

As they are walking down the hall toward the window into the room where the newborns are lying, the nurse tells the man, “Your wife has delivered a son, sir; she’s fine, but I’m afraid we have to tell you some bad news about your boy before you see him.”

“What is it? Tell me, I don’t care. I’ll love him all the same,” the man responds.

“Well sir, it seems he was… well, he was born without any legs, sir.”

“No matter, he’s my son, let me see him.”

“You know sir, there’s something else I have to tell you, he was also born without any arms.”

“What? No arms either… Oh, the poor little guy; but it doesn’t make any difference, I want to see him.”

“Sir, I’m afraid we also have to tell you that he was born without a torso.”

“Without a…”

“And without a neck, and without jaws, and without a forehead, and, and… well, you see sir, he’s an ear.”

But they had already reached the window. The man looks in and finds the bassinet with his surname on it. And indeed, there, on the freshly laundered sheets, lies a single large ear.

“Sir, there’s something else I have to tell you…”

But the man is no longer listening.

“My son, my son!” cries the man. “My dear little boy! I’m so glad to see you!”

At which point the nurse says…

“I’m afraid you’ll have to speak up, sir: he’s hard of hearing.”

50

A man is watching a movie when he notices that the woman sitting in front of him has a German shepherd. At first he’s annoyed someone has a dog with them, but as he watches the dog, he realizes the dog is watching the movie - and enjoying it! It’s wagging its tail at the funny parts, whining the sad parts, and during one scary scene it hides its eyes with its paw. He’s amazed, figuring this must be the smartest dog that ever lived.

When the movie ends he leans over and say “Miss, that’s an amazing dog. I’ve never seen anything like it. I can’t believe your German shepherd enjoyed watching this movie!”

“Neither can I,” says the woman, “he hated the book.”

Ba-dum-ching!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He pulls out a burlap sack and removes a tiny piano from it. He sets it up with a little piano stool on the bar. Next he takes out a hamster. The hamster walks up to the piano, sits down, and promptly launches into “The Entertainer.”

Everyone is crowded around now, clapping and cheering in amazement, but the fun is not yet over. Now the guy reaches into the sack again and produces a bullfrog. He sits the frog on the bar and, with the hamster accompanying it on piano, the frog sings “Danny Boy” so beautifully everyone in the bar is moved to tears. As the song ends the bar erupts in thunderous applause and the hamster and bullfrog start in on some more numbers.

Another man taps the animals’ owner on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, but are those animals for sale?”

“Well, I might sell the bullfrog,” says the man.

“Okay,” says the other, “I’ll give you five hundred dollars for him.”

The man says sure, hands the bullfrog over, and takes his money.

After the new owner walks away the bartender leans over and says “You know, it’s none of my business what you do with your property, but I gotta tell you I think you were crazy for selling that frog so cheap. I mean, these are the most amazing animals in the world. You got ripped off.”

“Not really,” says the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

Ba-dum-bump!
The two Scotsmen have been golfing every Monday, Thursday and Saturday since they retired more than twenty years ago. The seventeenth hole of the course they frequent lies next to a highway, and down the highway a peice is a funeral home, so just about every time they tee off at the 17th, there’s a funeral procession going by. Not that this ever once distracted them from their game.

One day they’re hitting from the fairway on the 17th as per usual when a funeral procession, as per usual, goes trundling by. Hearse, bereaved relatives, the whole shebang. Suddenly, MacAvoy doffs his cap and stands briefly in respect, then resumes his game.

Says MacCarron, “MacAvoy, I’ve been watchin’ ye play golf for better than twenty years and I nae ever seen ye do that. Musta been an important soul just passed by.”

“Well,” says MacAvoy, “After all, I WAS married to her for fifty years!”

51

There’s a whale and a sardine that are the best of friends, and they like to hang out at the local tavern every night. Everyone who frequents the bar knows them on sight, and can’t remember ever seeing one without the other.

Finally one day, the sardine shows up at the tavern by himself. The bartender and the patrons all seem slightly shocked at the whale’s absence, so finally the bartender asks him,

	"Hey sardine! Where's your pal the whale?"

The sardine just gives gives him a dirty look and says,

	"Whattaya askin' me for!?!!? I'm not my blubbers' kipper!!" :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
52

Q: Why didnt’ the pirate go to the movies?
A: It was rated ARGH!

Q: What does Snoop Dogg used to clean his whites?
A: Bleeeeeeeeeee atch!

hahaha…two of my faves…

53

Q. Can a cowboy’s dog get a driver’s license?
A. No, but the cat’ll drive.

It’s not easy to carve a wooden dog. You have to leave some of the bark on the inside.

54

  1. What is a brunette in a room full of blondes?
    -Invisible

  2. What does a brunette miss most about a party?
    -The invitation

Blondes Revenge

55

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to screw it in, and one to fill the bathtub with colerful handtools.

I know a math joke, too, but its terrible. I refuse to taint SDMB with it.