Funniest cow jokes?

This is famously from an old Sean Penn movie (Colors?), but I didn’t get it then and I still don’t.
:frowning:

Two cows are out grazing in a field. One cow looks at the other and says “What do you think about all this talk of mad cow disease?” The other cow replies back “Why should I care; I’m a helicopter.”

Yeah, it was Colors. The older, wiser bull was explaining that if they walked instead of ran, they wouldn’t have to settle for just doing a cow or two. They’d have the energy they saved by not running to do them all.

Oh, it’s MUCH older than that.

A city feller was driving down a country road when his car sputtered to a stop next to a field filled with cows. The driver got out and started poking around under the hood.

One of the cows moseyed on over to the fence, leaned over, and peered intently at the engine. “I believe it’s your carburetor,” she said.

The man nearly jumped right out of his skin! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and banged on the door.

When the farmer came to see what he wanted, he shouted “A cow just told me how to fix my car!,” waving in the direction of the field.

The farmer glanced toward the field. “Was it a big brown cow?” he asked. “Yes! Yes!” says the city feller. “Big white spot next to her ear?” “Yes! Yes! That’s the one!”

The farmer sighed in exasperation. “That durn Mabel,” he said. “Don’t listen to her. She don’t know nuthin” about cars."

This thread is udderly ridiculous.

Look! A bunch of cows!

Herd.

Heard what?

Herd of cows.

Sure, I’ve heard of cows!

No, no. A cow herd.

Well, what do I care what a cow heard?! I got no secrets from a cow!

No it’s not. It’s about the difference between youthful excitement versus the mature ability to be calm, and do it right. Imagine the difference between a teenager trying to have sex for the very first time talking to The Dos Equis character of The Most Interesting Man in the World. The teenager would about about getting anything; TMIMITW would calmly find a way to get all of them that he wanted.

This is more of a physics joke than a cow joke, but what the heck:

Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia. A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer “I have the solution, but it only works in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum.”

(Copied from wikipedia, although I’ve heard it elsewhere)

Why does a milking stool have only three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

And:

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

A couple:

#1
A couple of cows are grazing in the lustrous English country-side. One turns to the other and says,

“Say, are you at all frightened by this ‘Mad Cow Disease’ that’s going around?”

The second cow turns to the first and says,

“Of course not, I’m a helicopter!”

#2

A different set of cows are grazing in a different field, and one turns to the other and says,

"Nice day, huh?

The second turns to the first and screams,

“Holy shit, a talking cow!”

The great thing is, you can tell this dirty joke and STILL look like a cerebral sophisticate, by pretending you’re just relating an anecdote from Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath. (I’m serious- that joke probably predates Steinbeck, but it IS in the book!)

A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it’s rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. Thats when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?”, asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, “Hey! This looks like yours!”
From this site. Not the only web site full of cow jokes.

This joke was on Big Bang Theory.

A tramp turns up at a farm and asks the farmer: “Got any odd jobs I could do for you?”

Farmer replies: “Well, you could go and milk the bull.”

Ralph: What are shoes made of?
Molly: Hide.
Ralph: Hide? Why should I hide?
Molly: Hide! Hide! The cow’s outside!
Ralph: Oh, who’s afraid of a damn cow anyway?

Thanks for explaining that to him - I was about to do that myself. The mental image I’ve always had since I first heard this story about 30 years ago is the cows being startled and running away if the young bull ran up to the herd of cows.

I didn’t know that (not a BBT watcher), but I’m not surprised. It’s a well known joke among physics folks. It definitely predates that show by at least a couple decades (probably more).

Two men are riding on a train through Texas. As the train passes by a ranch the one man turns to the other and announces that there are 1,247 cows on that ranch.
The other man exclaims “That’s amazing. I happen to own that ranch and I know for a fact that I have 1,247 head of cattle. How did you ever figure out the number of cows from a speeding train?”
“Oh it’s simple” he replied. “I count the legs and divide by four.”

When seeing the sign for “ground transportation” at the airport, I’ve been known* to ask my family “Anyone want to stop for horse burgers?”

  • And by “I’ve been known to” I mean “I do this every time, because it’s hilarious