[Apu is shot.]
Apu: Ah! the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I’m dying.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Milhouse, what happened?! You were supposed to be watching the factory!
Milhouse: I was watchin’. First it started to fall over, then it fell over.
[Praying heavenward]
Homer Jay Simpson: I’m not normally a religious man, but if you’re up there, save me, Superman!
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: But it’s only 9:30 in the morning!
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven’t slept in days.
Lisa Marie Simpson: I still believe in protecting animal’s rights, but that still doesn’t excuse what I did. I’m sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That’s okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.
Marge: There’s no shame in being a pariah.
[On working at the DMV.]
Patty: Somedays we don’t let the line move at all.
Selma: Yeah, we call those WEEKdays.
Homer Jay Simpson: Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Kent Brockman: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: democracy just doesn’t work!
Lisa: Dad, what’s a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, it’s not quite a puppet, but man… [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don’t know.
Lisa: As you know, we’ve been swimming. And we’ve developed a taste for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result in months and months of…
Bart, Lisa: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
Bart Simpson: Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
Homer Simpson: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer Simpson: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Lou: You know I went to the McDonald’s in Shelbyville on Friday night.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: A what?
Lou: A McDonald’s restaurant. Eh, I never heard of it either, but they have over two thousand locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Must’ve sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know the funniest thing, though, it’s the little differences.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Example?
Lou: Well, at McDonald’s you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don’t call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Get out! What do they call it?
Lou: A quarter pounder with cheese.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman’s club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it’s a felony to lie to the F.B.I.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney’s car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
Homer: God bless those pagans.
[Bart & Lisa are reading a magazine at the Kwik-E-Mart.]
Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you’re not going to buy that thing put it down or I’ll blow your heads off!
[George Washington appears in Lisa’s dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town’s founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:]
Lisa: I WANT TO HELP YOU, GEORGE WASHINGTON!
Bart: [walking by her room] “I want to help you… George Washington”? Man, even your dreams are square.
Bart: As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade.
Homer: And if you don’t, at least you’ll be bigger than the other kids.
Homer Simpson: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
Mr. Burns: You’re fired.
Marge: You can’t fire me just because I’m married. I’m gonna sue the pants off of you.
Mr. Burns: You don’t have to sue me to get my pants off.
Mr. Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.
Reverend Lovejoy: Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll.
Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
Dealer: 19.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 20.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 21.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 22.
Homer: D’oh!
Burns: Bad corpse! Stop… scaring… Smithers!
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: I’m sure you’ll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
Lisa: Be myself? I’ve been myself for eight years and it hasn’t worked.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake!
[Lisa and Mr. Burns are collecting cans at the beach.]
Mr. Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage?
Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can’ll get you a nickel.
Mr. Burns: Ooh, don’t poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel… with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds.
Lisa: [unimpressed] There’s a can.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It’s no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls… two, I suppose.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, why didn’t you tell me about this market crash!
Smithers: Um, well, sir… it happened twenty five years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that’s your excuse for everything!
Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known… then went crazy as a loon.
Homer Jay Simpson: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”
Lisa: I’m studying for the math fair. If I win, I’ll get a brand new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don’t live on a farm.
Mulder: Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We’ve got to get there right away.
Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there’s also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
Lisa: I like him! He’s smart, he’s sensitive, he’s clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance…
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn’t talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
Marge: Mmm…
Homer Simpson: God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!
Marge Simpson: Tested, Homer. God tested Moses.
Moe Szyslak: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
Moe Szyslak: I’ve been planning this vacation for years. I’m finally going to see Easter Island.
Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads.
Moe: With the what now?
Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called “new religion” is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord’s Prayer 40 times, but first, let’s pass the collection plate!
Kang: Holy fleurking schnit!
Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?
Kent Brockman: …and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
[After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.]
Bart: It’s craptacular.
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I’m giving you a five percent pay cut!
Skinner: Children, I couldn’t help monitoring you conversation. There’s no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let’s have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that’s bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That’s good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain sodium benzoate. [Homer looks puzzled.] That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
[Bart’s looking for his dog.]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt – and I 'ate 'im! [Bart gasps.] I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way ‘e’s always barkin’! So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see… you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [Bart stares.] Ya heard me!
Abe: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What’s wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn’t understand.
Abe: Flu?
Homer: No.
Abe: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N – yes. But please, don’t you say that word!
Abe: What, seeex? What’s so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Man: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin’ guns?!
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don’t get your gun until you tell me your name.
Man: I’ve have it up to here with your “rules”!
[leaves]
[Bart doing a newcast on a kids news show.]
Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there’s just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.
[Homer lies in a drunken heap.]
Marge: I’ve never been so embarassed in my life!
Homer: Why, what did you do?
Barney: Hello, my name is Barney and I’m an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can’t admit you have a problem?
Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube.
Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name, it’s H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it’s H-O-M-E-R.
Marge: I think we’re going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don’t. I’ve got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart’s room and Bart can sleep with us until he’s 21.
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don’t have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.
Bleedin’ Gums Murphy: My friends call me Bleeding Gums.
Lisa Simpson: Eww, how’d you get a name like that?
Bleedin’ Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?
Lisa Simpson: Yeah.
Bleedin’ Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one. But I’ve already got enough pain in my life as it is.
Marge Simpson: Bart’s such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while, our little Lisa’s becoming a young woman.
Homer Simpson: Oh, so that’s it, this is some kind of underwear thing.
Bleedin’ Gums Murphy: The blues isn’t about feeling better. It’s about making other people feel WORSE, and making a few bucks while you’re at it.
[Homer is applying for a job as a department store Santa Claus.]
Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean, all the time? Even when they’re nuts?
Bart Simpson: I’m Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Lisa Simpson: What, Aunt Patty?
Patty Bouvier: Oh, nothing, dear. I’m just trashing your father.
Lisa Simpson: Well, I wish you wouldn’t, because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he’s the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
Patty Bouvier: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I’m picking respect.
Homer: Sometimes I think we’re the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
[Lisa takes Bart to the library.]
Bart: Lisa, we can’t afford all these books!
Lisa: Bart, we’re just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha.
[wink]
Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Bart: Okay.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart: You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Bart: Done.
Lisa: Bart, you’re just pretending to know what I’m talking about!
Bart: True.
Lisa: Well, it’s very frustrating!
Bart: I’ll bet.
Homer: Son, about last night. You might’ve noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don’t understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I’m sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn’t lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Aww.
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I’m proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get BEATEN UP.
Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn’t your friend.
Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it’s okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.
Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I’m kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn’t want to eat his damn vegetables.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?
Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word!
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who’s doing it and… direct them to the Bible.
Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible?
Rev. Lovejoy: Uh… page 900.
[quickly hangs up]
Marge: Homer, I think the baby’s coming.
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I’m afraid you’ll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: You’re going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert: We’re going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
Homer: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
Mr. Burns: Who is that fireband, Smithers?
Smithers: That’s Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude…
Mr. Burns: Doesn’t ring a bell.
Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don’t like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don’t you?
Homer: I’ll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I’d like to believe that this time. I really would.
Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If you did it, sir?
Homer: Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.
Snake: Three card monte!
Homer: Woo hoo! Easy money!
Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?
Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
Chief Clancy Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you’ll go scot-free.
[While operating on Homer.]
Dr. Nick Riviera: [singing] The kneebone’s connected to the… something. The something’s connected to the… red thing. The red thing’s connected to my wrist watch. …Uh oh.
Dr. Nick Riviera: Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want.
Bart: Hey Homer, this house sucks!
Homer: Bart, I told you to never use that word! Call me Daddy.
[Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she.]
Marge: Believe me, honey. She’s more scared of you than you are of her.
Lisa: You’re thinking of bears, mom.
Lisa: Relax? I can’t relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or… Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I’m losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!
Homer: Well, it’s always in the last place you look.
Seymour Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car!
Edna Krabappel: I’m in the lines. You got a problem, go tell your mama!
Seymour Skinner: Oh, don’t worry, she’ll hear about this.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: We don’t believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is!
Bart Simpson: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them – as is my understanding…
George Washington: We had quitters in the Revolution, too. We called them “Kentuckians.”
Moe Szyslak: Hey, I don’t need no advice from a pinball machine. I’ll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
Abe Simpson: Yeah - “All Quiet on the Western Front”!
Alien: I bring you love!
Larry: It’s bringing love, don’t let it get away!
Karl: Break its legs!
Lisa: No! Wait!
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns]
Willy: Argh! It’s a monster! Kill it, kill it!
Smithers: No, stop! It’s not a monster, it’s Mr Burns!
Willy: Ahhh, it’s Mr Burns. Kill it, kill it!!
Bart Simpson: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer Simpson: Do I have to sit up?
Bart Simpson: No.
Homer Simpson: Knock yourself out.
Homer: If he didn’t steal the church collection plate money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes?
Marge: Those were the clothes he wore to church!
Homer: Oooooh, how convenient.
Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the… law… talking… guy.
[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead.]
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer’s brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer’s brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Milhouse: It started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended in tragedy.
Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!
Homer Simpson: I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
Bart: Ooohh, my head.
Lisa: The remorse of the sugar junkie.
Homer: Hey, we didn’t have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.
Mr. Burns: A liftime of working in a nuclear power plants has given me a healthy green glow and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy & Scratchy” was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
[Kicking Walt Whitman’s tombstone.]
Homer Simpson: I! Hate! You! Walt! Freaking! Whitman! “Leaves of Grass,” my ass!
Lisa Simpson: I am the lizard queen!
Lisa Simpson: Why do I have the feeling that someday I’ll be describing this to a psychiatrist?
Willy: There’s nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman!
Homer Simpson: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.
[Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu’s job back.]
Apu: There it is, the world’s first convenience store.
Homer: This isn’t very convenient.
Apu: Must you knock on everything we do?
Kirk Van Houten: [trying to impress Homer with his new bachelor pad] So what do we got, guy? A wild party?
Neighbors: An opossum drowned in the swimming pool. Can we borrow a garbage bag?
Kirk Van Houten: Aaaah, just throw it over the fence and let Arby’s worry about it.
[Flash-forward to Lisa’s wedding]
Homer Jay Simpson: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you’ve been smarter than me.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, Dad…
Homer Jay Simpson: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I’ve always been proud of you. You’re my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself. You taught me to understand my own life better, and made me a better person, but you’re still my daughter, and I don’t think anyone has ever had a better daughter than –
Lisa Simpson: Dad, you’re babbling.
Homer Jay Simpson: See? You’re still helping me.
Homer Jay Simpson: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: No thanks dad.
Homer Jay Simpson: When a son doesn’t want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa: I’ll play catch with you!
Homer Jay Simpson: Go home.
Marge: Lisa, normally I’d support you for standing for what you believe in, but you’ve been doing that a lot lately.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer Jay Simpson: And we can’t watch Fox 'cause they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.
Homer Jay Simpson: Maybe, just once, someone will call me “sir” without adding, “you’re making a scene.”
Homer Jay Simpson: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
Homer Jay Simpson: Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
Homer Jay Simpson: Homer no function beer well without.
Homer Jay Simpson: Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Homer Jay Simpson: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer Jay Simpson: It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Homer Jay Simpson: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer Jay Simpson: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer Jay Simpson: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer Jay Simpson: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer Jay Simpson: Can’t he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, now who’s being naive?
Homer Jay Simpson: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer Jay Simpson: And how!
Homer Jay Simpson: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer Jay Simpson: Tell him I’m going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you’re here?
Homer’s brain: Don’t say revenge. Don’t say revenge.
Homer Jay Simpson: Ummm… revenge?
Homer’s brain: Okay, that’s it. I’m outta here.
[Sound FX: step step step step step… slam]
Homer Jay Simpson: Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer’s Brain: It’s a deal!
Homer Jay Simpson: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one!
Homer’s brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer’s brain: Okay, don’t use reverse psychology.
Homer Jay Simpson: Okay, I will!
Homer Jay Simpson: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie – Police Academy.
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience “chicken”?
Homer Jay Simpson: No! I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That’s not a Bible. That’s a book of carpet samples.
Homer Jay Simpson: Mmmm… fuzzy.
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer Jay Simpson: Did you wreck the car?
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: No.
Homer Jay Simpson: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer Jay Simpson: But the car’s okay?
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson, Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer Jay Simpson: All right then.
Homer Jay Simpson: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. [brief pause] Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]
Homer Jay Simpson: What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
[A rock flies through Mr. Burns’ office window]
Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
[Speaking about the skeleton she found]
Lisa Simpson: It could be a mutant from the power plant.
Mr. Burns: That’s preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers – oops, I’ve said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray.
Waylon Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you’re done as well.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican!
Kang: We must move forward… not backwards, not to the side, not forwards, but always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom!
[While watching a faculty talent show]
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
Maude Flanders: Edna, I really don’t think we’re talking about love. We’re talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down!
Lisa: Oh, if I fail I won’t even be able to get into Vassar.
Homer Jay Simpson: I’ve had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady.
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: No, “Up and atom.”
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: Up and ATOM!
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialouge coach: [frustrated] Better.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Hey mouse. Say cheese. [Takes a flash picture of the killer robot Itchy, short-circuiting it] Hey, with a dry cool wit like that I could be an action star.
[Ralph is lying in bed]
Ralph Wiggum: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: You’ll wear 'em till you learn, son.
Groundskeeper Willie: You’ve mastered a dead tongue. Now can ya handle a live one?
[Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of “The Flintstones”]
Homer Jay Simpson: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He’s the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he’s about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
[runs into a chestnut tree]
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. …Maybe Texas.
Barney Gumble: I’ll never drink again.
Film Festival Presenter: And your prize is a lifetime supply of Duff beer.
Barney Gumble: Hook it to my veins!
Homer Jay Simpson: [cocks a shotgun] To the book depository!
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons’ door]
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we’re Quantum Presbyterians.
Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you.
Homer Jay Simpson: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don’t like you.
Homer Jay Simpson: Maybe you’d like me if you got to know me better.
[Bart has an earring]
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Come on, Homer, didn’t you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer Jay Simpson: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!
Homer Jay Simpson: Two hours? Why’d they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa Simpson: Because they discovered gold right over there!
Homer Jay Simpson: It’s because they’re stupid, that’s why. That’s why everybody does everything.
Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month’s pay in three minutes.
Homer Jay Simpson: Three minutes!
[whistles]
Marge Simpson: I never realized history was so filthy!
[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I’ll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card.] Joker? You’re supposed to take these out of the deck.
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, sorry, I’ll give you another one.
[Homer deals Bond another card.]
James Bond: What’s this? “Rules for Draw and Stud Poker”?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond…
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him.]
James Bond: But… but wait! It was Homer’s fault. I can’t lose! I never lose! [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino.] At least tell me your plans for world domination!
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I’m not falling for THAT one again.
[Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant]
Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Homer Jay Simpson: Look, all I’m saying is, if these big stars didn’t want people going through their garbage and saying they’re gay, then they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That’s unpossible!
[Homer is using butter as a pencil holder.]
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: Is that my butter?
Homer Jay Simpson: Can’t talk – taking memo. [Licks tip of pencil as if about to write.] Mmmmm… delicious.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what’s all this crap I’ve been hearing about tolerance?
Homer Jay Simpson: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I’ll go on the retreat anyway.
Moe Szyslak: They think they’re so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
[Homer dials the Flanders’, who have taken his kids into foster care]
Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster.
[Looking at Uruguay on a map]
Homer Jay Simpson: Heehee! Look at this country! “You are gay.”
[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer Jay Simpson: No one man can do all that. You’re a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.
[At Apu’s wedding.]
Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you’ve never performed a Hindu ceremony before.
Reverend Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ.
Leonard Nimoy: Good evening, I’m Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true I mean false. It’s all lies. But they’re entertaining lies, so in the end, isn’t that the truth? The answer is “no.”
Homer Jay Simpson: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer Jay Simpson: We can all burn evidence in it.
Astra: Your husband’s work is what we call “outsider art.” It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer Jay Simpson: In high school I was voted most likely to be a a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee!
Lisa: Dad, just for once don’t you want to try something new?
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
[At her first Broadway show.]
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.
[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.]
Homer Jay Simpson: I am the piano genius from the movie “Shine.”
Guard: And your name is…?
Homer Jay Simpson: Uhh… Shiney McShine.
[Why he prefers the original “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.”]
Homer Jay Simpson: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.
Newspaper editor: We’re looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn’t immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer Jay Simpson: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
Homer Jay Simpson: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Moe Szyslak: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn’t for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
Homer Jay Simpson: When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently trough the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the Bible tells us, “Let your children run wild and free.”
Homer Jay Simpson: If they can send a man to the moon, why can’t they make my shoes smell good?
Mark Hamill: Hey everybody. I’m here today as Luke Skywalker, but I’m also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you can save up to three times more than the more dependable companies.
Audience: Talk about Star Wars!
Homer Jay Simpson: Shut up you stupid nerds, he’s trying to save you money on long distance calls.
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.
Homer Jay Simpson: Marge, you’re my wife and I love you very much. But you’re living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.
Lisa Marie Simpson: I’m so glad you’re home. Bart’s acting funny.
Homer Jay Simpson: “Ray J” funny or “O.J.” funny?
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Why would anyone want to hurt me? I’m this century’s Dennis the Menace!
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: You awful, awful man! Stay away from my son!
Sideshow Bob: [menacing] I’ll stay away. Stay away… FOREVER!
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait. That’s no good. [walks away, then runs back] I’ve got a good one now. Marge, say “stay away from my son” again!
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: No!
Homer Jay Simpson: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Since when?
Homer Jay Simpson: Since your mother yelled at me.
Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth… and then died… only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.
Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don’t you worry. I’ve argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.
Homer Jay Simpson: Yeah, that Timmy O’Tool is a real hero.
Lisa Marie Simpson: How so dad?
Homer Jay Simpson: Well… he fell in a well… and he can’t get out.
Lisa Marie Simpson: How does that make him a hero?
Homer Jay Simpson: Well it’s more then you’ve done.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Aren’t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Insurance Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place “Moe’s” you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind?
Homer’s Brain: Don’t tell him you were at a bar. Gasp! But what else is open at night?
Homer Jay Simpson: It’s a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer’s Brain: Heh heh heh. I woulda never thought of that.
Homer Jay Simpson: God, if you really are God, you’ll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick–
Homer Jay Simpson: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that’s not God. That’s just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer’s hands]
Homer Jay Simpson: I know I shouldn’t eat thee, but – [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
Moe Szyslak: I’m better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: George Burns was right: show biz is a horrible bitch goddess.
Lisa: Face it, Bart, Sideshow Bob has changed.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: No he hasn’t! He’s more the same than ever!
Homer Jay Simpson: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
Marge: It’s eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
Homer Jay Simpson: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer Jay Simpson: Well, when there’s nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
[A very young Ranier Wolfcastle in a TV commercial]
Ranier Wolfcastle: My bratwurst has a first name. / It’s F-R-I-T-Z / My bratwurst has a second name. / It’s S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-H-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the… uh… what cures cancer?
Faith: Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest.
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh I love your magazine! My favorite section is “How to increase your word power.” That thing is really, really, really… good.
Homer Jay Simpson: It’s like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
[Lisa sighs.]
Lisa’s Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here’s some music.
[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly.]
[Answering the phone]
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Joe’s Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
Elizabeth Hoover: Do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?
Social Worker: Stupid babies require the most attention.
Homer: Just because I don’t know doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be… THE KILLBOT FACTORY!
Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there’s only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer Jay Simpson: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.
[Writing a food review]
Homer Jay Simpson: The bread was… the bread was…
Santa’s Little Helper: Ruff!
Homer Jay Simpson: You’ve been pitching that one all night.
Santa’s Little Helper: Chewy?
Homer Jay Simpson: Lisa, I’ve had it with you and your stories. “Bart’s a vampire.” “Beer kills brain cells.” Now let’s go back to that… building thingy… where our beds and TV… is.
Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it’s time for our viewers to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage! Send help! Over.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Whew, thank God that’s over. I was worried for a little bit.
Homer Jay Simpson: I’ve gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos!
[Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing.]
Marge Simpson: Don’t make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can’t win.
Homer Simpson: There you go again, always taking someone else’s side. Flanders, the water department, God…
Lisa Simpson: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer Simpson: Boy, I don’t know. You’d have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot! [Marge whispers something in his ear] I knew that.
Bart Simpson: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me, so why does it suck?
Lisa Simpson: It’s simple, Bart. You’ve defined yourself as a rebel. And in the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.
Bart Simpson: I see.
Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You’re banned from this historical society! You and your children, and your children’s children! …For three months.
Homer Jay Simpson: Dig him up! Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you’ll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue!
Mayor ‘Diamond’ Joe Quimby: Can’t we have one meeting that doesn’t end with us digging up a corpse?
Mayor ‘Diamond’ Joe Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan’t disappoint. Har ye, har ye! I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield’s Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day!
Homer Simpson: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders! Gimme that! [Grabs the bell from him] Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous!
Seymour Skinner: He’s embiggened that role with that cromulent performance!
Homer Jay Simpson: Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer Jay Simpson: Well, that one’s Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.
Marge: I’m worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa’s becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer Jay Simpson: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn’t doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There’s something about flying a kite at night that’s so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That’s it: we have to get them back to school.
Homer Jay Simpson: I’m with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
Homer Jay Simpson: Well, I hope you’ve learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer Jay Simpson: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving!
Homer Jay Simpson: There, there, Bart. If something’s hard, then it’s not worth doing.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: Man, I’m so bored!
Milhouse Van Houten: Wait until we’re teenagers, then we’ll be happy!
Marge Simpson: Kids can be so cruel!
Bart Simpson: We can? Thanks, Mom!
Homer Jay Simpson: If it doesn’t have Siamese twins in a jar, it’s not a fair.
Homer Jay Simpson: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror!
Homer Jay Simpson: Why won’t those idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks?
Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner! Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…
Ned Flanders: A rude Frenchman! Why I never.
Homer Jay Simpson: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I’ll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
[Marge’s plan to get “Itchy and Scratchy” off the air backfires]
Marge: I guess one person can make a difference but most of the time they probably shouldn’t.
Kent Brockman: At 3pm Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at Town Hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.
[Lisa wins an essay contest]
Homer Jay Simpson: Woo-hoo! Who woulda guessed reading and writing would pay off!
Homer Jay Simpson: I don’t care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He’s a jerk. End of story.
Homer Jay Simpson: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
[Santa’s Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone]
Homer Jay Simpson: I guess you might say he’s barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer’s Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you’ll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer: D’oh!
[Watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
Charles Montgomery Burns: Hmm… who’s that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Waylon Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He’s your eleven o’clock.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
Marge: We don’t think you’re slow. But on the other hand, it’s not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer Jay Simpson: Do you think I don’t want to? It’s those TV networks Marge. They won’t let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once – just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won’t, they won’t let me live!
PBS Pledge Drive Host: It’s easy to see why it’s England’s most long-running series – and we’re showing all of them, all 7 episodes.
Lisa Marie Simpson: Mom! Dad’s on PBS!
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: Mm? They don’t show police chases, do they?
Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure: We own you like Siegfried owns Roy.
Carl: Throw away your self-pity and come get drunk with us.
[Homer enters the room]
Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure: Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?
Homer Jay Simpson: Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Homer Jay Simpson: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all!
[Homer is a limo driver]
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh wow, I can’t believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks! You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me!
Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.
Homer Jay Simpson: English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England.
[Homer can’t stop the monorail]
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: I’ve brought somebody to help you.
Homer Jay Simpson: Is it Batman?
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: It’s a scientist.
Homer Jay Simpson: Batman’s a scientist.
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: It’s NOT Batman.
[The school has come into money and everyone’s suggesting how to spend it.]
Lunch Lady Doris: The kitchen staff is complaining of rats in the kitchen. I’d like to hire a new staff.
[Bees have escaped from a bee farm]
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here.
Beekeeper 2: Yes… a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean.
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don’t.
Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees.
Beekeeper 1: Hmm… oh look, there goes one.
Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile!
Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper 2: …Yes.
Homer Jay Simpson: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think!
Homer Jay Simpson: I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world! I wanna watch TV in a different time zone! I wanna visit strange, exotic malls! I’m sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge! Won’t you let me live? Won’t you, please?!
Krusty the Clown: Ahh, there’s nothing better than a cigarette… unless it’s a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill!
Homer Jay Simpson: I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors – oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called “City Fathers” who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?”
[Moe is making a fortune from Homer’s drink recipe.]
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer Jay Simpson: Ooh, look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! [walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in] Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.
Moe: You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Kent Brockman: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and in this house a creature was stirring. But the only thing he was stirring was: up trouble.
Homer Jay Simpson: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
Homer Jay Simpson: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.
[Nelson’s friends catch him kissing Lisa.]
Kearney: Aw man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!
Seymour Skinner: There’s no justice like angry-mob justice.
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: Aren’t you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: That’s Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.
Lenny: We made it! And it’s all thanks to teamwork.
Carl: Yeah, my teamwork.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a leason: kids never learn.
[After seeing the movie “Naked Lunch”]
Nelson Muntz: I can think of two things wrong with that title!
[Lisa sees a sign for a “Yahoo Serious Festival”]
Lisa Simpson: I know those words, but that sign doesn’t make sense.
[Krusty faces imprisonment after being revealed as a tax fraud.]
Krusty the Clown: I can’t go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle. I’m used to the best.
IRS Agent: Krusty, this is America. We don’t send our celebrities to jail. We’re just going to garnish your salary.
Krusty the Clown: You’re going to GARNISH my CELERY?
IRS Agent: Please, Krusty, no jokes!
Krusty the Clown: WHO’S JOKING?! Oh, I don’t understand what you’re saying, it all sounds so crazy to me!
Mayor ‘Diamond’ Joe Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can’t this town go one day without a riot?
[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]
Homer Jay Simpson: They’re milking rats! RATS!
Mayor ‘Diamond’ Joe Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats?! You promised me dog or higher!
[About to watch dinner theater]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight’s production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall.
Mark Hamill: [singing to the tune of “Luck Be A Lady”] Luke be a Jedi tonight! Just be a Jedi tonight! Do it for for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda!
Homer Jay Simpson: I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap like that.
Homer Jay Simpson: If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
Lisa Marie Simpson: What percentage is that?
Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn’t it?
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: You love Shake n’ Bake! You used to put it in your coffee!
Lucy Lawless: I’ll take you home.
[Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.]
Lisa Marie Simpson: Hey, Xena can’t fly!
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I’m not Xena. I’m Lucy Lawless.
Homer Jay Simpson: We can outsmart those dolphins! Don’t forget – we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup!
[After the angel hoax is exposed.]
Homer Jay Simpson: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?!
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: I could take up smoking.
Homer Jay Simpson: You damn well better.
[Pulling broccoli from Homer’s corpse.]
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: But I thought broccoli was…
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
Homer’s ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house…
Homer’s ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I’m just trying to get in, I’m not running for Jesus.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: We want the truth!
Sideshow Bob: You can’t handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! I deride your truth-handling abilities.
Ned Flanders: Let’s thank the Lord for another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion!
Homer Jay Simpson: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW!! Oh, they’re defending themselves somehow!
Troy McClure: [Reading a fan letter] “How does Matt Groening manage to crank out a brand new episode of The Simpsons each week?” Well, I’m glad you asked. That’s why we sent someone over there to find out!
[Matt Groening in his office, drinking whiskey. He notices the camera.]
Matt Groening: Get outta my office!
[Shoots the cameraman.]
Troy McClure: Of course what he MEANT to say, according to his lawyers, was that he couldn’t possibly do it alone!
Homer Jay Simpson: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.
Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jo-Jo Simpson: [answering the phone] Joe’s Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
Kodos: We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
