Amazingly Uniball’s giant list of Simpsons quotes doesn’t have the best (well, not that amazing as it’s a recent episode, and he’s not North American) one ever…
Kent Brockman: Thank you Homer Simpson! Thanks to you, we’re all taking GOLDEN showers!
From Roseanne: When her mother tells her she’s selling their share of the restaurent, and Roseanne says “You’ll
never find a buyer,” her mother says “I already have,” and
the camera focuses on Leon eating his sandwich. I swallowed
tea at that moment and literally choked!
Tee hee. I loved that show. Do you remember this one?
“I used to have two, but I shaved off the top one.”
oops, forgot to include my vote…
Robin Williams as Mork: “I await with worms on my tongue.”
There’s also the Woodrow song from SNL…
Little TV sets
Going off inside my ear
Spacemen floating by
Firecracker beer
Chase the demons lightly
Newt inside your eye
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a doo-doo pie
I love you!*
Most of the best have already been posted but anyway…
Frasier: I met this wonderful woman on the plane yesterday, she’s a model, a scholar and she’s flying ot the galopagus islands to study turltes there.
Martin: What’s her name?
Frasier: I can’ tell you, I’ve been sworn to secrecy.
Niles: Ah yes, that pesky Club Med oath of silence.
Friends. Not exactly a funny line but it’s that bit in the episode where Chandler has to stay in the box and he knocks on the wood and phoebe gets up to answer the door and he goes “Gotcha!”
Simpsons.
Lisa: But dad, if you are the police, who will police the police?
Homer: Uh, I dunno, the coastguard?
Homer is searching for a peanut in the sofa cushions and finds $20.00
Homer: Aww, I wanted a peanut.
Homers Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts
Homer: Explain how.
Homers Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: WHOO HOO!!!
I have to go out now but I’ve got hundreds more I’ll share with yo when I get back.
A few from Buffy (there are too many to list all the funny ones)
Xander: So, Buffy, how’d the slaying go?
Buffy: XANDER! (he’s saying it too loud around a lot of people)
Xander: I mean… How’d the LAYING go? No wait, I don’t mean that either.
Cordelia: So, did you guys fight any demons this summer? (again in front of people)
Willow: Uh, yes! Our own PERSONAL demons!
Xander: Such as… as… lust! And, um… thrift!
Willow: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a B-I-T-C-H?
Giles: Willow, I think we’re a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitca?
Angelus: Dear Buffy. I’m still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don’t you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks… poetry.
Spike: It doesn’t have to. What rhymes with lungs?
A bit racy here, but I swear I saw this on PBS, so it must be okay. And if you’re under 18 just scroll down to the next post.
From “Murder Most Horrid”: Dawn French is talking to Amanda Donohoe over a hidden microphone and earpiece (like Steve Martin in “Roxanne”). Amanda is trying to help Dawn talk her way past a security guard.
Amanda (to Dawn): Security guards are all the same. All they really need is a blow job.
Dawn (to guard): All you really need is a blow job.
Dawn starts walking away, the guard follows anxiously.
Dawn (quietly ro Amanda): What’s a blow job?
Amanda: You don’t know what a blow job is?
Dawn: No.
Amanda: That’s oral stimulation of the genitals.
Dawn (amazed): Really!? (pauses, looks over shoulder) You wouldn’t think he could reach.
The funniest line is not really a line…
Jack Benny, well-known skinflint, is approached by a robber with a gun who says: “Yor money or your life.” He threw the audience a look of crippling indecision - some of them are still laughing!
Another one from a Buffy episode. A few weeks ago, Dawn, Buffy’s new little sister asks Buffy when she would be able to go Slaying with her and Buffy replies, Not until you are never. The way she said it made it funnier than it is written
Frasier again:
Frasier: Oh, by the way Daphne, a Clive called for you while you were out.
Daphne * (sounding worried) * : Clive? Oh dear, did he sound British?
Frasier: No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives.
This one goes back to “Night Court” in one of those little one-minute setups before the main title. The staff (Harry Anderson, Markie Post, John Larroquette, etc.) are all seated around a table in the cafeteria. Harry is reading the paper and announces, “It says here that some farmers are paying up to $20,000 for a straw of bull semen.”
All heads turn to look at “Bull” (Richard Moll playing Bailiff Aristotle Nostradamus ‘Bull’ Shannon) at the other end of the table. He says, “Hey, don’t look at me. I only give to the Red Cross.”
From the Groucho Marx show (can’t remember the name of the show, but it’s the one that had “The Secret Word”.)
Groucho: How many children do you and your husband have?
Contestant: We have 13.
Groucho: Wow, that’s a lot of children!!
Contestant: Well, I love my husband…
Groucho: I love my cigar, too lady, but I do take it out of my mouth once in awhile!!
From “Fawlty Towers”:
SYBIL (to Basil): Do you really think a girl like that could possibly be interested in an aging, brilliantined stick insect like you?
*Trivia: only recorded instance of the word “brilliantined” being used in a sitcom.
On Hollywood Squares last week, one panelist (who looked a lot like Red Buttons) told this:
A dumb blonde goes into a library and tells the librarian, “I’d like a burger and fries, please.”
The librarian says, "This is a library!"
The blonde whispers: “I’d like a burger and fries!”
One of my favorites which I still use to console friends, from a short-lived Matt Frewer sitcom called Doctor Doctor:
"Ah. Don’t worry about it, Mike. The right woman for you is out there somewhere.
…she’s with <i>another man</i>, but she’s out there."
This comes from the Gary Shandling show a number of years ago. I rarely watched it, but I caught this one where they found out that Hank had made a porno. There was this great bit where they were watching the movie and Hanks got a classic porn line: “You’ve been a bad girl. I’m gonna have to wash your mouth out…with Hank!”
There was also a bit with Henry Winkler:
“Hey, Hank, I hear you’ve got a new video out. An exercise video?”
“Hey, fuck you, Fonzie!”
In that same sequence (I think), Gary says “You look really mellow, very even.” Hank replies, simply “I’m drunk.”
From All in the Family
Archie is drunk, locked in a freezing basement, and thinks he’s going to die. When a (black) repairman hears Archie shouting, he calls down to tell Archie that he coming to save him. Archie thinks its the voice of God coming to take him to heaven.
Repairman: “Just hold on Mr. Bunker, I’ll be right there.”
Archie: “Ok God, I’m ready!”
[turns around and sees a black guy standing in front of him]
Archie: “Ah, jeez. Jefferson was right.”
–sublight.
Married with Children
Bud: “Dad, I was caught having sex in the school library.”
[Al shakes Bud’s hand]
Al: “Alright! Who’s the lucky girl?”
Bud: “You’re shaking her.”
MASH*
Radar: “They’re hunting socks, sir!”
Henry: “At this hour?”
Still more Simpsons
Bart playing a religious video game with the Flanders kids, where you have to convert the heathens.
Bart: “Got him!”
Todd: “No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian.”
Marge: “Come on, Homer, Japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon.”
Homer: “That’s not how I remember it.”
Kodos as Bob Dole-
Kodos: “Abortions for all!”
Crowd: BOOO!!!
Kodos: “Very well, no abortions for anyone!”
Crowd: BOOO!!!
Kodos: “Hmmmmmm…abortions for some…miniature American flags for others!”
Crowd: YEAY!!!
Al Bundy: There are no trimesters. There’s actually just one long forty year-mester. It just seems less painful if you break it into stages. There’s the fat stage, the “I’ll only eat ribs from one place a hundred miles away” stage, and, Lord in heaven, the horny stage.
Al Bundy: Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.
Al Bundy: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I’m proud to say we’re now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.
Al Bundy: You know what I would do if I was President? I’d take a big empty state, that nobody’s using, y’know, like Idaho, and I’d pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Boise. And since Idaho means nothing anyhow, I’d change the name to Preg-naho.
Al Bundy: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn’t invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face, and said, “I’m here!” and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn’t want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn’t, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You’re a Bundy. Start acting like one.
Al Bundy: Look, Steve. Why don’t you do this? Go home, wake up Marcy and say, “Hey, I lost my money. I screwed up, it won’t happen again, and what’s for supper?” That’s what being a man is all about, Steve. Making mistakes and not caring.
Al Bundy: Son, let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.
Al Bundy: Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It’s hooey I tell you, hooey.
Al Bundy: I’m tracking down Seven’s real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.
Al Bundy: Ah, Peg. You’re down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.
Al Bundy: We’re gonna go where people pretend to want to go when they can’t afford to go someplace good. We’re gonna see America. We take no map. We’ll follow the sun. Stay in cheap motels and steal what we need along the way. We go west, past the cheese factories, where the air is fresh, the sky is big, and a man can still kill his dinner with his car. Guys, tomorrow we put the pedal to the metal and we ride with the wind.
Al Bundy: Everybody, I have an announcement. Your happiness… sickens me. Everybody but me is looking at good times. But for me it’s been one long continuous year since I got married. Actually, one long month. Helluary.
Peggy Bundy: I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago. But his philosophy is why improve a home you’re only going to live in anyway?
Peggy Bundy: Sooo… we’ve certainly learned a lot about each other. We have no opinions on politics, religion, science, starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling. The only thing we seem to feel strongly about is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno.
Kelly Bundy: Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it’s a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I’m trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there’s nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you’ve got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He’s gotta love who you are.
Bud Bundy: Well, when I get my degree, from an accredited community college, I might add, I’ll be the one with the Lucky Charms, my friends. And I’ll be eating them out of the bra cups of my own private breakfast treat, Monique. Here’s to the future.
Jefferson D’Arcy: I’m going to be a father! Don’t you have anything to say to me?
Al Bundy: Oh. Sure. It’s over. You’re a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.
Peggy Bundy: What would you like?
Al Bundy: A nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef.
Al Bundy: So, we’re having a new baby. The gods are on a roll, aren’t they? Must’ve been playing another round of “Can you top this?” One started off, “We’ll make him a shoe salesman.” Then another said, “We’ll give him a red-head.” Then another one, probably a cruel, hungover god, said, “But let’s have him be a mighty athlete in high school first so his fall will be all the greater.”
Kelly Bundy: But the gods showed you they loved you when they gave you us.
Al Bundy: Yeah, give those gods a Miller. Will someone please tell me, how did this happen?
Al Bundy: It’s not that I couldn’t be happy without you, Peg. It’s just that I couldn’t be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy.
Peggy Bundy: I thought the true Bundy Legacy was underwear with just an elastic band.
Jefferson D’Arcy: I don’t want to live with Marcy anymore. She wants sex all the time. I mean, sex with your pregnant wife is like putting gas in the tank of a car you already wrecked.
Al Bundy: Thank God my wife pulls into self-serve.
Kelly Bundy: He’ll be here. When my daddy says he’ll do something he… no, that’s my friend Marsha’s daddy. But when my daddy puts his mind to something, he… no, that’s Carolyn’s daddy. Well, my daddy dear, he knows he’s still number one, oh girls just want to have fun. No, that’s Cyndi Lauper’s daddy. Hmm.
Jackson: What about your daddy?
Kelly Bundy: Obviously, he’s not here.
Marcy Rhoades D’Arcy: Oh, it’s too bad some men don’t know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies.
Al Bundy: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila! You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth.
Al Bundy: I don’t smell no food. If you expect me to pleasure you, I need what Robert Mitchum needs.
Peggy Bundy: A jowl tightening?
Al Bundy: No. Beef. Let’s have it, baby.
Peggy Bundy: Al, do you know I cooked four hours for that five minutes of sex we had? It just isn’t worth it.
Peggy Bundy: No TV, Al, we’re talking.
Al Bundy: You’re my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV.
Al Bundy: I don’t want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want… this room. It’s really nice. …Are you thinking of moving out, son?
Bud Bundy: No, Dad.
Al Bundy: Damn. Well, it doesn’t hurt to ask.
Bud Bundy: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I’m a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I’m the man. I’ve got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I’m a senior. And ready to rule. This year he’s back, he’s cool, he’s dry.
Kelly Bundy: Until he goes to sleep.
Bud Bundy: Bundy’s a name you earn. Our emotional scars run so deep you can almost see them.
Al Bundy: Well, I guess there’s nothing left to do now but pick out the dress you’re going to wear when Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the President.
Al Bundy: You think I’m a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn’t respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it’s not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I’ll never play football like I wanted to. I’ll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I’ll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I’m not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who’ll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don’t want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn’t put a gun in my mouth years ago – that little fact makes me a winner, baby!
[Playing a board game, Al has to tell what he cares about.]
Al Bundy: I Care, by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitcher’s on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I’ve been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays. I swear!
Al Bundy: Peg, I don’t wanna go to our high school reunion! Can’t we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?
Peggy Bundy: Al, just call a roofer!
Al Bundy: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We’ve lost our spirit of self-reliance! Something’s broken, call someone. Something’s leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone! Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
Bud Bundy: Well we don’t know yet, Dad. Kelly’s tests haven’t come back from the lab yet.
Kelly Bundy: Chew Dad’s socks!
Bud Bundy: Eat Mom’s food!
Al Bundy: What was I thinking when I said “I do”? I’d already had sex with her; I didn’t need that again!
Peggy Bundy: Now look, Al. You said you wouldn’t take me to prom. I said fine. You said you’d only be a shoe salesman for a little while until you got your feet off the ground. I said fine. You said, “I don’t know what’s wrong; I guess I’m just tired.” I said fine. I’m not saying fine this time, Al.
Al Bundy: Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain.
[Offscreen.]
Al Bundy: Peg, leave it alone, it’s mine.
Peggy Bundy: But it just hangs there lifelessly. Let me fiddle with it, I’ll straighten it out.
Al Bundy: For God’s sake, Peg, you’re going to pull it off! …Now it’s too long!
Peggy Bundy: Most women like it that way.
Al Bundy: I don’t care what women like! I’m the one that has to lug it around!
[Al enters, his necktie way too long.]
Al Bundy: Bud, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Bud Bundy: Luscious hooters?
Al Bundy: No. That’s what I should have been thinking about, but no.