Funniest line from TV?

In My Humble Opinion
61

[Upon seeing Drew’s look-alike]
Mimi Bobeck: So much crap they had to start a second pile.

Nigel Wick: [to Mimi] Hey, Stella. Get your groove back.

Larry Almada: An Englishman. Well, it’s almost like a woman.

The Disciplinarian: This beer kicked my ass!

Drew Carey: You can huff and puff and puff… God, I’m making a pig joke of myself!

Mimi Bobeck: Write down a number you think is fair… and shove it up your ass!

Drew Carey: Look, this is an odd question, but you’re kind of cute and you’re pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It’s OK if you are.

Drew Carey: If frogs could fly… well we’d still be in this mess, but wouldn’t it be neat?

Lewis: I don’t say this often but grrrrrrr.

Mimi Bobeck: You’re late.
Drew Carey: I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.
Mimi Bobeck: Remember, lift with the knees.
Drew Carey: You know, I had such a great time with my band last night that even seing you couldn’t affect it. OK, that’s not true.

Mimi Bobeck: Your lips say goodbye, but your ass says, still here!

Drew Allison Carey: Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

Drew Allison Carey: I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.

[On sex.]
Lewis: One person’s always disappointed. So far, I’ve been lucky; it’s always been the woman.

Lewis Kiniski: If you hurt my sister they will never find any piece of you! Not even your glasses! Remember, I am a janitor, I know how to dispose of things!
Drew Allison Carey: Is that a threat?
Lewis Kiniski: You want me to sing it to ya?

Drew Allison Carey: Violence doesn’t solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn’t solve anything?!

Drew Allison Carey: Is that the most terrible sound you’ve ever heard?
Lewis: Have you ever tried to start your car with a cat sleeping on the intake manifold?
Drew Allison Carey: No.
Lewis: Then yes, that’s the worst sound you ever heard.

Mimi Bobeck Carey: Ah, spring. When a young man’s fancy turns my stomach.
Drew Carey: When was the last time you saw a young man’s fancy?
Mimi Bobeck Carey: When was the last time you saw your fancy?

62

Wife: What is it?
Husband: It’s a chicken… but it’s also a kid. It’s a chicken-kid.

Filipino kid: You are American?
Tourist: No, I’m a Canadian. It’s like an American, but without the gun.

Hildy: You know what I love about you? Your constancy. You haven’t changed one bit in 20 years.
Jean: Oh, I have.
Hildy: No, you haven’t.
Jean: Yes, I have! I’m more afraid of change and I’m less tolerant of other cultures.

Gunslinger: I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted and missed it.

Doctor: I figured, “How far could I coast on charm?” Well, pretty far actually!

McGillicuty: Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team.
Greene: No. I’m a vaudevillian.
McGillicuty: No, I think you manage a baseball team!
Greene: Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team.
McGillicuty: I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays.
Greene: Yes, it’s true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base.
McGillicuty: Who’s on first base?
Greene: Yes.
McGillicuty: Who?
Greene: Yes, who is the man on first base.
McGillicuty: Why are you asking me; I’m asking you! What’s the name of the guy on first base?
Greene: No no, Watt is on – oh, I see what your problem is! Look, you’re confused by their names, because they all sound like questions.
McGillicuty: I dunno. [whispers] Third base.
Greene: Well, I’ll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you’re probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that’s not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase “Gee, I dunno,” but it’s actually Iduno, Phil Iduno.
McGillicuty: That’s it. You’re hopeless, you’re pathetic, you’re the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals.
Greene: What are you talking about? I auditioned for this job.

Bruce: The only thing worse than not having a job is looking for one.