“Don’t Touch - Willie”
Here’s a moment that makes me crack up remembering it, but it’s not as funny on paper:
[Bart and Homer spot each other suddenly. They gasp]
Bart: I can’t let Dad see me playing hooky!
Homer: I can’t let the boy see me skipping work!
[Bart brushes his hair forward; Homer uses a comb as a mustache]
Bart: [walking past] Good afternoon.
Homer: [walking past] How do you do, sir?
Together: [chuckle] Sucker…
The fake voices they use to “disguise” themselves are a big part of the funny…
“First I will send Bart the money to come home. And then I will kill him.”
Earlier he says in a disturbingly calm voice, “Oh. That is a pickle.”
In the same episode, Martin spends all of their money on a talking Al Gore doll: “You are hearing me talk.”
“Now would you unhook this already please? I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment!”
<BZZZZZZ>
(Google “moelie.wav” to hear entire scene)
That episode also has Marge saying “No, my son didn’t leave a rented car in Knoxville Tennesee where it got crushed by the sunsphere. I can’t begin to tell you what’s wrong with that statement.”
I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of the last sentence IRL.
[nitpick]The music in this scene is by a different Strauss: it’s actually the Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss, jr.
Richard Strauss’ Also Sprach Zarathustra appears at the end of the episode, however, when Homer appears as the “star-child.”[/nitpick]
The first season episode where Sideshow Bob tries to frame Krusty for robbery is one of the great comic achievements of the human race.
Krusty: Is it a crime to be illiterate?
Prosecutor: No it isn’t. Krusty, this is an A, and these are betting slips, obtained by this court, indicating that you’ve lost substantial sums of money on sports gambling.
Krusty: Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
Prosecutor: Yes it is.
Krusty: [Makes an indescribable moaning noise.]
Bart: Dad, don’t you realize that you’re just giving in to mob mentality?
Homer: No I’m not. I’m getting on the bandwagon. Now come on, son, get with the winning team.
(Old timers may recall that this was my sig line during my first 1000 or so posts.)
Kent Brockman’s replacement: Why did the clown cross the road. To rob the Kwik-E-mart on the other side. The news story behind this enigmatic half joke after these commercial messages.
Hmm! Good advice.
Krusty may be my favorite character:
Mrs. Flanders: Excuse me Edna, I don’t think were talking about love
here. We’re talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I-
L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down.
Also not as funny on paper:
[Burns, Smithers, and Homer are on a raft escaping from Cuba]
Homer: But aren’t you afraid of going to jail?
[Burns stand up and the camera shoots from under him at a 45 degree angle. Cue patriotic music]
Burns: If it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars and give it to Communist Cuba, I’m guilty of that too. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I’ll soon be guilty of that.
[Homer stands up and salutes]
Homer: God Bless America.
From “Much Apu About Nothing”, Abe recounts the Simpson’s voyage to America:
Abe: [narrating] The story of the Simpson family began in the Old Country. I forget which one exactly. My dad would drone on and on about America. He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread, sliced bread having been invented the previous winter.
Abe’s dad: [holds up an America pamphlet] See that, son? That’s where we’re going to live. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.
Abe: Later that day, we set sail for America.
Abe’s dad: [points at the Statue of Liberty] See that, son? That’s our new home.
[later, the family has moved in… to the Statue]
Young Abe: [playing on Statue’s arm] Yay! I love America!
Abe’s mom: Abe! Supper’s on!
[back to reality]
Abe: We had to move out once we filled the entire head with garbage. The end.
A couple more I remembered:
[flashback to people in ocean being frightened off by a shark fin]
Homer: [coming out of the water wearing a mask and a strap-on fin] [laughs] Suckers.
Bart: [swimming up beside Homer, also with mask and fin] [laughs]
Homer: Aah! Sharkboy! [runs off in a panic]
or
Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis!
[finds vanity license plate rack]
Cool…personalized plates! “Barclay”…“Barry”…“Bert”… “Bort”? Aw, come on. “Bort”?
Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
(Later in the episode)
Guy in Control room: We need more “Bort” license plates!
Great timing and deliveries on this one:
Owner: Take this object. But beware, it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooh, that’s bad.
Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Owner: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: That’s good!
Owner: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
Homer: …
Owner: That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
“Welcome to Itchy and Scratchy Land where nothing can possi-bly go wrong. Uh…possi-blee go wrong. Heh. That’s the first thing that’s ever gone wrong.”
“Weeeelllll, I’m Rappin’ A.B. and I’m here to say/That drinking Duff Beer is the only way/I say the onnnlllllyyyy way. BREAK DOWN!” And the robotic Abe Lincoln smashes a beer can to his head.
I see somebody has already posted the “Sex Cauldron” line. This thread is making my side hurt.
[QUOTE=SNenc]
And from **A Star Is Burns[/b}:
I like the rest of that scene:
Burns: Are you saying Boo or Booourns?
Audience: Boo!
Hans Moleman: I was saying Booourns.
and another Grandpa moment
The Simpson name is a proud name, I got it from my father and he got it from his father and he traded a mule for it.
LOL, my other fave Al Gore gag is when Lisa buys a copy of his book and the information is beamed via satellite to the White House. An aide bursts into Gore’s office with the news and Gore calmly fires up his desktop record player to play “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang:
“CEEEEEEEEEEEEEL-E-BRATE good times, COME ON!”
Gore: “I will!”
I also like the bit after Lisa complains to President Clinton about the rival band cheating in the competition and winning anyway. I forget what he says (something about whining being a great way to get what you want) but Lisa says “That’s a pretty lousy way to win” and he says “Well, I’m a pretty lousy president.” and makes this totally Hee Haw face with his trademark “thumbs up.” It’s so out of nowhere it cracks me up.
I just remembered my all-time favorite scene. Bart is faking his book report of Ivanhoe and he begins it with the sentence: “Ivanhoe is the story of a Russian farmer and his tool.” That one cracks me up on so many levels! 
And the mule went on to save Spring Break.
From And Maggie Makes Three, we have one of the best and most hilarious parodies ever:
Announcer: We now return to “Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat”.
Michael: Faster, Knightboat! We gotta catch those starfish poachers.
Knightboat: You don’t have to yell, Michael, I’m all around you.
Michael: Oh, no! They’re headed for land.
(the poachers ride onto the beach, jump on motorcycles, and speed away)
Michael: We’ll never catch them now.
Knightboat: Incorrect. Look! A canal.
Homer: Go, Knightboat, go!
Bart: Oh, every week there’s a canal.
Lisa: Or an inlet.
Bart: Or a fjord.
Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.