Well, if I’m in a helpful mood and they don’t argue when I say “no,” then I tell them “have a nice day!” They’re just doing their job, and not being rude about my not wanting to contribute.
One that I keep planning on doing as soon as one calls when I have time and asks to speak to the lady of the house:
Them: Hello, may I please speak to the lady of the house?
Me (high pitched voice): Oh, dear, you must mean me! But I do take such offense to being called a mere “lady.” I am a duchess! An aristocrat! How dare you call me a “lady!” Apologize this instant!
And that would continue on in that vein…
ring
Telemarketer: Hello, I’m from Company X, and I’d like to offer you a free vacation in Atlantic City
Guy: Will I be staying in a hotel?
Telemarketer: Yes, you’ll be staying in the luxurious (name of hotel).
Guy: Does it have a goat rack?
Telemarketer: A coat rack?
Guy: No, a goat rack.
Telemarketer: What’s a goat rack?
Guy: It’s a place to hang your goat. Anyway, can I reserve it for May 16, 2004?
Telemarketer: No, I’m sorry, the vacation offer is only good for one year.
Guy: Damn. Does the room come with a TV?
Telemarketer: Yes, it comes with a big screen TV with 250 channels.
Guy: Good, I can watch Sesame Street. Too bad I can’t get a room for May 16, 2004.
Telemarketer: Why?
Guy: That’s when the planets align and I can make the Sesame Sacrifice.
Telemarketer: Ummmm, okay…
Guy: DO YOU KNOW THE SACRIFICE? THIS MUST HAPPEN! click
Of course, when I tried to duplicate this, the telemarketer hung up after I asked about the goat rack.
ME: Hello?
VOICE: Hello, I’m calling to tell you about MCI’s new offer.
ME: Yes?
VOICE: Do you use MCI?
ME: (slowly) No.
VOICE: Who do you use?
ME: I don’t know.
VOICE: You don’t know?
ME: Yes.
VOICE: Who’s on your bills.
ME: Umm…AT&T.
VOICE: Long distance?
ME: I guess.
VOICE: What about local calls?
ME: I don’t make them.
VOICE: You don’t?
ME: Yeah.
VOICE: Would you like to switch to MCI?
ME: No.
VOICE: Are you interested in saving money?
ME: No.
VOICE: (baffled) You’re not?
ME: Yes.
VOICE: Even if it was a lot of money?
ME: No.
VOICE: What do you pay now?
ME: About $32.00
VOICE: What if I told you that MCI could reduce your bill to $17.85?
ME: I still wouldn’t.
VOICE: Why not?
ME: I don’t like change.
VOICE: Even if the only change was the name on the bill?
ME: Yes.
VOICE: Goodbye.
ME: (slowly) Thank you.