Funny dopers - Help me write the 'Lazy Army Husband's Form Letter (Home)'

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
wipes tears*
“The Mailman’s liver!”
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

42

Classic. Truly classic.

But I feel this exercise requires a follow-up. How about a letter from home?

Dear < > Sweetheart < > Honey < > Asshole < > Sperm Factory:

I’m writing this letter to tell you:
< > I miss you
< > I’m leaving you for the mailman (and, no, you can’t have his liver!)
< > I’ve thrown out your Barcalounger
< > I ran over your dog.

The kids are great, but the dog:
< > is listless and sleeps all day and all night in your empty Barcalounger
< > had 12 puppies
< > has been put down due to rabies
< > has taken to peeing in your shoes (he misses you so).
< > is squashed beyond all recognition.

I got a letter from the IRS yesterday. They:
< > are auditing us
< > are giving us a big fat refund check
< > are still wondering why we haven’t filed our taxes for the past two years. (I know you’ve been busy and all, but whaddya think *I’ve * been doing with time?)
< > have determined our ‘married filing jointly’ status is bogus since the Federal government doesn’t recognize civil unions.

Thanks to the paychecks you’ve had deposited directly to our joint account:
< > I got a boob job/penis enlargement (circle one)
< > the kids have been enrolled in expensive private schools
< > I bought you a big screen TV (and I’ve got my eyes on a leather Barcalounger with a built-in fridge and massage functions.)
< > I’m headed to Bermuda with the mailman.

Your turn… :smiley:

43

Nice, but too Army-specific. Try including blanks for Chief and Gunny as well.

44

Just got home from a truly awful trip to Iowa.

While I was up there, I was asked to put this together, so that’s my next project. I’ll start a new thread and put a link in this one tomorrow.

I will also email the letter to the folks who requested it. Right now I’m going to bed. :slight_smile:

45

Sorry, folks - been a long week.

I’ve emailed the letter to:

MamaTiger
RandMcNally
MacTech
flamingbananas
fightingignorant
Gazelle

and the person who emailed me directly. I plan to work on the other letter (and will place a link in this thread) this weekend.