My 5-year-old son asked me yesterday if minus infinity was the first number. I had no idea how to answer that.
Well, it lasts so long 'cause he never looks behind the couch!
I had to revive this thread for this one:
Yesterday, while driving the little Torqueling to school, I told her we had to hurry, because I had to be in court, and if I was late, the judge would get angry. She said, “Yeah, and if he gets angry, he’ll scratch people. And then you’ll have to get your first aid kit and put band-aids on them.”
That really made me wonder what her idea of a judge was. Scratch people? I did get a good laugh out of picturing my judge scratching people, though.
I finally figured it out this morning. I was leaving her at grammy’s house, and said, “Bye, sweetie, I have to go to work.” She said, “Yeah, you have to go see the bear.”
And then the light came on. See, earlier the day before, when I mentioned the judge, she asked me what his name was, and I told her “Judge Bayer.”
So my little girl thinks I work at the courthouse, with a bear. Who might scratch people if they’re late.
The legal system would be so much more awesome, and also more effective, if this were the truth…
My 22-month-old’s day care report card had the following on it today:
Josie spent most of the morning carrying a baby doll around, patting its back and saying “Oh, baby, it’s okay. I’m sorry. Stop crying.”
I have no idea where she got it from, but I expect Children Services at my door any minute.
That is six kinds of awesome.
The neighbours kids loved my husband. They were about four and six at the time and proposed that he should become their dad, move in with them and could sleep in bed with their mum, it was a big bed with lots of room, they explained. What about mummy’s boyfriend? Oh, he could sleep on the couch in the living room.
I was babysitting my three year old niece yesterday and was getting frustrated trying to sort something out online and I said
“Everything’s making me sad today.”
Niece piped up: “What, even the bin?”…“Even the shelf?”
Also out of nowehere whilst she was doing something craftwork, she said as though it’s been a fact for years -
“Gorillas don’t eat bananas, they eat croissants.”
Also because her older sister is into X Factor, niece has taken to imitating the voiceover man who introduces the guests and judges, the other day whilst getting ready to go out she exclaimed
“Tonight on X Factor! A chair! And a table!” “Tonight on X Factor! A plank of wood!”
Does he take bribes of fresh salmon?
The summer my son was three he developed a debilitating phobia of spiders. Before he would enter his bedroom someone had to inspect behind the door to make certain no spiders had taken up residence.
I like spiders and prefer to relocate rather than exterminate. I spent that summer on a crusade to convince him that spiders are our friends. We checked out books about spiders from the library, watched orb weavers spin webs (from a distance) and let small spiders crawl on my hands.
One day, towards the end of the summer, as I was putting on my make-up before work he came into the bathroom and said, “Mommy, wanna see my nice, teeny-baby spider?”
My heart swelled with pride and a sense of great accomplishment. I put down the eyeshadow, held out my hand to him and said, “I would love for you to take me to see the spider.”
He leaned on the toilet, pulled his foot up so I could see the bottom of his shoe and said, “See, see my nice, teeny-baby spider!”
LOL@ teeny baby spider!
Last week Claire stuck her arm in the toilet. As I was desperately trying to get her to stop flinging toilet water around and get her cleaned up, she licked her hand, prompting a frustrated, “Jesus, don’t put you hand in your mouth!” from me. She looked at me solemnly and said, “Mommy. Don’t say ‘Jesus,’” and as I was wondering where she’d learned about blasphemy enough to lecture me, she continued, “It’s just ‘cheese.’”
Bumping this for a new good one…
This morning, Josie was sitting between us in bed, and she ripped a HUGE fart, almost a full five seconds long. As my husband and I stared at her, mouths agape, she looked up and very sweetly said “Daddy farted!”
22 months old, and she’s already learned to blame her farts on Daddy.
I was cuddled up in bed last week with my three year old daughter. She pointed to my upper lip and says in her oh-so-sweet voice “there’s Mommy’s mustache”. After I nearly died laughing I calmly pointed out to her that Mommy’s don’t have mustaches all the while mentally noting that I really must move up my waxing appointment.
Some cute corrections by my daughter…
It’s not heart beat but heart beep.
Not arm pit but arm pip.
Not fire but fiah (think deep Boston accent)
Kid accents are hilarious, aren’t they? I think the “bear” thing I posted earlier only happened because the Torqueling has a heavy Texas accent. BAY-urr.
I love how she says things so much that I’ll make her repeat them a bunch of times just to get a good laugh. She also says vote oddly more like voot than vote. So I’ll have her repeat “fire vote”. It comes out as “fiah voote”.
Oh god, this just about killed me.
My daughter used to say “upside down” as “uh-sa-pie down”. I was devastated when she learned how to pronounce it properly. 
I forgot to add…
My little brother is almost a decade younger than me so I remember him as a little kid. We always joked that he was born an old man, because he was always such a serious child - happy, but very serious.
So the Littlest Bluth, aged 4, my parents and I are in the video store. My parents are discussing which movie to get and start joking around “Noooo, we should see this one!” “Nooooo, let’s get this one!” Littlest Bluth huffs and says “Guys, grow up, you are embwareassing me” and marches to the other end of the store. My parents turn towards each other and just explode into laughter.
Months later, now 5, he and our babysitter are driving to his karate class. She asks him how his day was and he sighs and says “Have you considered the fall foliage lately?”
Gnat’s saying “Effluent” for ‘elephant’ and ‘alligator’ for ‘elevator’. I’m encouraging it because I think it’s funny.
This doesn’t quite fit here, but it ain’t gonna get its own thread:
Last night I discovered that I had a Dora the Explorer sticker well-stuck onto my scrotum. How the…?