Funny punch lines only please

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

“Dad, go home, you’re drunk.”

And

“But ye fook one goot…”

–Tim

We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first “lost generation” nor today’s lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak.

22

“I’m the BIG…BAD…BOOTY…DADDY.”

23

(in Irish accent)
It’s like I been tellin’ ya,
you fucked a penguin.
p.s. to Qwisp - that’s the joke my Dad tells the best

I am large,
I contradict myself,
I contain multitudes.
~Walt Whitman

24

“That’s ok, son. Most guys leave her hanging from the tree.”

and

“All right. Who farted?”

and

“…and I sold my thermos to a Polish woman.”

25

A few more:

“Well, the one in the middle kinda looks like Willie Nelson.”

and

“A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take out the meat.”

and

“Lady, I don’t think I can take 67 more of those.”

26

“well, most of the men ride it to town for whores”

and

" Oh God! Mine does!"

Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it.

27
  1. Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
  2. Two. One to screw it in and one to not screw it in.
  3. Three. One to screw it in and two others to share the experience.
  4. Never mind, just let your mother sit in the dark.
  5. Two. But how’d they get in there?
  6. A fish. (sometimes told as “purple” or “a tree”)
  7. Three. One to dispose of the old bulb in an environmentally sound manner, one to make sure the new bulb is union-made/union-installed, one to blame it all on the conservatives.
  8. Three. One to call the help, one to mix the drinks, one to blame it all on the liberals.
  9. That’s not funny.
  10. What the hell does it matter? We’re all gonna die anyway.
28

I thought you said you wanted a 12 inch pianist.

29

So Mary Todd said, “Whew, atleast it wasn’t my head.”

R.J.D.

30

If I could walk THAT way I wouldn’t NEED the aftershave!

Voted Biggest Smartass by all you beautiful people!

You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

31

You stupid horse, I said “Posse”!

“Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want!” -Dr. Nick Riviera

32

“Supplies!”
and

I was playing with the rubber dolly and it spit at me, so I bit his ugly head off.

33

I was talking to the duck!

34

The other one ducked

Stupid people surround themselves with smart people. Smart people surround themselves with smart people who disagree with them. - Isaac Jaffee

35

They both have two legs, except for the bird.

There are more geese on that side.

Because I’m a horse!

To get to the other side.

“If we submit everything to reason, our religion will have no mysterious or supernatural element. If we offend the principles of reason, our religion will be absurd and ridiculous.” Blaise Pascal

36

Commander…in Chief.

Chaim Mattis Keller
ckeller@kozmo.com

“Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.”
– Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective

37

No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.

Change Your Password, Please and don’t use HTML, as it has been disabled

38

“Catch that fart and paint it green.”

39

Oh dear! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco.

(groan) joke posted on request…
Prairie Rose

If you’re not part of the solution you’re just scumming up the bottom of the beaker.

40

“Nope! I’m a frayed knot!”