My mother does not know how to be funny and never tells jokes. My parents have their funerals planned and they have living wills, but don’t seem to have any plan whatsoever for what happens between now and then. So I asked them the last time they visited (and my mother had been talking non-stop about not being kept alive by machines).
Me: “So, do you guys have a plan for when you get older–do you know where you might want to live if you need assistance or nursing care?”
My dad: “We’ll can always just drive off a cliff.”
My mother: “Oh no, Darlin’, you’ll damage the car!”
Kind of a cross between this thread and the “best comebacks” thread: We were in a seafood restaurant in Anacortes, WA. The place was jammed and waiters were harried. We had a couple of drinks, then ordered dinner. After a half hour and couple more drinks, my mother, never one to be shy, grabbed the first person walking by and asked “Can you tell me when we’ll be served our dinner?” The waiter says “They’re having a lot of trouble in the kitchen.” My mother’s response: “With what, cooking it…or catching it?” I howled, while my sister cringed.
OK, this is a little weird, but I still laugh when I remember it, and I’ve told it to others. As a pre-teen, complaining to Mom about (normal) discharge, she popped off with this: “You’re becoming a woman. Women have to be wet between the legs or else we’d squeak when we walk.” :eek:
I have absolutely no idea where that came from! She was/is not prone to that sort of speak!
OK this is from my former boss’s mother. I guess her line was the set-up line. Her dear husband, my boss’s dad, Charlie, had just passed away. I never met him, but apparently he was a great great guy. He had not been well for awhile, but everyone was, of course, very sad and struggling to adjust. Charlie and his wife were very close. They only spent four nights apart in their entire marriage – when he had a business trip to Chicago. The kids and boss’s mom/Charlie’s wife were meeting with the Rabbi, whom they had known for years, to talk about the service and details, and reminisce about Charlie. Suddenly, out of nowhere, and apropos of nothing, Charlie’s wife says, “Rabbi, there was no infidelity whatsoever in this marriage!” The conversation sort of stops and there is a weird awkward silence. Rabbi looks at her, waits a beat and says, “What about the four days in Chicago?”
I was in upper high school, with a license. We had just dropped my father at the airport for a trip, and were talking about marriage for some reason, when she said, “you know you can have your cook and eat her too.”
Until I got to my oh-so-rebellious teens and insisted in gasp using the record player, any technical objects around the house were Dad’s realm. He passed away in 2000; I moved back out within months; my youngest brother moved out two years ago. So now Mom lives alone, although we visit a lot.
Whenever we try to prod Mom into learning some piece of electronics, maybe something as complicated as knowing how to use the “mute” button on the TV’s remote, she says “but I don’t need to know how to use a remote! You guys are a perfectly fine remote! I tell you what I want the TV to do and it does it, it works.”