Life imitates the Dope.
Or something like that.
#44. When working with explosives, electricity, fire, or other unpredictable and unstable sources of energy, don’t say, “Well, hell, this oughta work.”
Do not manually attempt to rescue your lapdog from the neighbor’s pit bull.
If you are on MAO inhibitors, do not eat your friend’s liver with fava beans and a nice chianti.
Modifications for reality:
Rule #2. Don’t do cocaine. Or any other illegal drug.
Rule #3. Don’t get drunk.
Avoid activities in which certain phrases are used, such as :
“What happens if I push this red button?”
“Let’s see what this baby can do wide open.”
“Look; I got a bunch of old firecrackers. Wanna have some fun?”
“Lemme show you how my brother destroyed his chem lab in high school.”
“Hey, I know what I’m doing!”
“Let’s have a coupla more beers and then we’ll try it again.”
“Don’t worry about that warning. It’s just a wimpy legal thing.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll catch you if it breaks.”
“Did you hear what he just called you?”
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Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
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Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!
Er, not to hijack the thread, but ??? Did people think you were the jukebox?
Playing Quarters I presume, Bounce the Quarter into a Glass of Rum and drink it. As you get drunker, Quarters occasionally get drunk.
- If teenagers in your area are disappearing, don’t go
[ul][li]to a slumber party[/li][li]swimming[/li][li]to lovers lane[/li][li]babysitting[/li][li]looking for them[/li][li]to your prom[/li][/ul]
Just common sense, really.
- I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No, wait, that’s one of the “Evil Overlord Rules.” http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
- Just because your vehicle can go off-road doesn’t mean you should.
- When it’s raining and you’re driving on a slick road, slow down. Particularly around the curves.
Or the basement. Especially don’t go to the basement!
- Watch the local news. Note the locations and times that fatalaties usually occur. Don’t go to those places at those times.
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Watch out where the Huskies go - don’t you eat that yellow snow.
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Practice safe sex. A lot.
You guys are really funny, you know? You made me laugh a lot on a day when I didn’t think I felt like laughing.
I gave up on all the Snorks i would have had to reply to individually. Suffice to say, you’re out there, and you made me do it.
- If you want to break up with a controlling partner, don’t go over to his house alone to tell him so.
If you are going through a very emotional time (for instance, if your dear mother has died two or three days ago), and you find yourself having dizzy fits that are followed by a faint, do not assume they are emotional and they will go away.
We found out about these when he had the fourth one. Fortunately he had it at work, and someone came in and found him sitting half lying on the floor of the autopsy room. (Which was clean. We keep it very clean.) The person who found him told him in no uncertain terms to go to the emergency room. He refused, saying he was sure he would be fine. The person then cleverly went to our most extroverted and loudest person, and asked her to tell him to go to the ER. Fifteen minutes later, he went, just to appease her.
They did a couple of quick tests, got that look, and admitted him to hospital.
Five days later, he left with a pacemaker.
Funny, now he remembers the time his mother collapsed, and if they hadn’t all been around her to call 911, she wouldn’t have come back. Sick sinus syndrome.
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If you are an alcoholic, and you get a really bad pain in your belly that radiates to the back and makes you throw up a lot, do not treat it with alcohol.
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If you have self-diagnosed with “the flu” and it goes on more than 30 days, you are going to die of something that is not “the flu”. Short-circuit this process by going to the doctor earlier than 30 days.
Oh, COME on now. That first one is one of the Basic Tenets of Male Thought.
- If there is a big shiny red button or a nice, shiny red lever, it MUST be poked/pulled/prodded or at the VERY least inspected.*
2)If there’s a hole, something’s going in it.
3)Every guy wants two girls.**
*This isn’t simply about buttons. It’s also about one thing that stands out from the rest and ents up being a lightning rod for our attention. Call it the “Nipple Effect”.
** Note, not EVERY guy wants two girls, due to religious reasons. This is pretty much the thought that “Hey, if one is good, then two has to be pressy friggin sweet too, right?”. Also called the “Double the Ingredients, Double the Giant Stain on the Ceiling of the Science Lab Effect”.
There’s a new thread here. I just know it.
55a. Don’t self-diagnose.
I have to take this advice myself. I am not bad at all with a pre-autopsy differential on a dead person, but I major league SUCK at diagnosing myself. This is because I ignore symptoms that, looking back, were really important. Either because I was too sick to think clearly, or else, because of wishful thinking.
Like the time I got ER-level sick from Ignaz Semmelweiss’ disease (sepsis resulting from a cut at an autopsy) and mis-self-diagnosed it as flu.
I didn’t know before that how sepsis feels. Lovely.
Off to work,
Gabriela
It’s morning. “Pressy”, although very close to a Freudian slip should be “pretty”.
grumblegrumblegrmblestupidmorningsandstupidclassesgrumblegrumblegrumble