In social situations I can never really think of anything good to say that starts conversations. I always get so caught up in thinking about something to talk about that I can’t think of anything to talk about, and it’s quite frustrating. And if I can’t think of anything to talk about, any pause in speech is quite awkward, so I have to fill it in, and because I’m an avid hater of controversial things like PETA, gun control, religion etc etc I use these things to create conversation. Now apart from a forum meant to harbour such discussions, these subjects are probably best left alone most of the time. It usually spirals away into an argument, even more awkward silence (agree to disagree angrily), or I just look like an idiot who’s trying to start a debate (which I’m not, I just want conversation).
I know it’s not a very good idea to use such heated issues as “small-talk”, but I just can’t think of random things to talk about with friends, acquaintances etc. Any tips?
I ask people about their hobbies - that can open all kinds of conversation - either it’s something we have in common and we have that, or it’s something I know nothing about, and I try to learn.
Similar vein - ask about a recent vacation or prospective travel.
I ask people about their hobbies - that can open all kinds of conversation - either it’s something we have in common and we have that, or it’s something I know nothing about, and I try to learn.
Similar vein - ask about a recent vacation or prospective travel.
Thenk for the advice though, FairyChatMom. I’m another one who finds it hard to create small talk. I’ll try to remember about hobbies and vacations. Can’t wait for other suggestions!
The secret of being a brilliant conversationalist is to be interested in whatever the other person is saying. Most people are happy to talk about themselves-- all you have to do is ask small questions and appear to be fascinated. They’ll walk away thinking you’re the greatest.
Ask them about:
– Their pets. Most pet owners can’t wait to talk your ear off about their dog or cat. Ask them how they got the pet, how they chose its name. You can also say you’re thinking about getting a pet (or need help with an existing one). Do they have any advice?
–The last book they read or movie they saw. You can lead into it by saying that you were going to go to the bookstore or movie rental place after you leave-- do they have any recommendations?
– If they have kids, ask about their sports or other after-school activities. “When I was that age, I loved soccer. . . Do your kids play?”
– Ask about their job. Where do they work? If it’s sorta unusual, ask them how they chose that career.
– Compliment them on a piece of jewelery/purse/shoes/hat/whatever and ask them where they got it.
Listen to their answers: if they’re terse, the person might not want to talk about that subject. When the answers are detailed, it means they think it’s an interesting subject. Keep asking about that.
And when you ask about a recent vacation, you can only hope they don’t say, “Oh, I went with my church group to an anti-NRA rally in East Dalrymple, and we stopped at this great vegan restaurant on the way home.”
My point is not to dis FairyChatMom’s excellent suggestions, but to throw out the possibility that the most inocuous question might garner a response that will make you froth at the mouth.
Part of the gift of gab is to be able to say to that person, “Hmmm. Sounds interesing. Gee, I need a refill on my iced tea. Excuse me.” Or to be able to redirect. “Gosh, I’ve always wanted to go to East Dalrymple. What else did you do while you were there?”
Well, you could always open with: “Sooo… Dom or Sub?”
I tend to stick to neutral topics; hobbies, books, movies are all good to start with. I’ve also come to realise that occassional pauses in conversation are not always a bad thing - if both parties are comfortable with it, it can be a space in which to marshal your thoughts and really think about what the other person said. I’m not advocating long silences where the tension builds until someone just has to scream, just little gaps.
I’ve had this problem over the years and found some books about conversation techniques that I found really useful.
The advice you’ve recieved here is really good - basically if you are genuinely interested in getting to know someone then the conversation will flow.
My problem was that I always assumed people wouldn’t like me (due to my own self esteem issues at the time) and so they would be offended by me trying to find out about them. I was completely wrong, of course!
One of the tips I really liked is that ‘small talk is the search for common ground’. A lot of people who struggle with conversations don’t see the point of small talk, but that sentence explains it completely - you are just looking to find things you have in common so that you can then start talking about those!
I’ve had an absurd problem with this a couple times. I met someone, we started talking, they had jobs I found absolutely fascinating… but, because it was the kind of jobs that most people don’t even begin to understand, they thought I was interested in them. Uh, no. Sorry Imean,mightbeaftersomewalksandtalksandstuff but thisisabitfastok, and yes, I happen to have an interest in alternative methods for energy production, sorry! And I do find marine biology fascinating!
Most people with highly technical jobs can’t talk about them without getting half the audience glassy-eyed and the other half’s eyebrows trying to climb over their owner’s pates. Running into someone who belongs to the remaining 25% is a welcome rarity for them.
A lot of it is a self esteem and confidence thing. As has been suggested ask pretty insipid questions, and make sure you try and read the conversation to see where the other persons interests lie.
And remember, it is always far easier to have a great conversation when you tell the other person what they want to hear.
I’m one of those who appreciate silence. But if you absolutely must converse, make it about the virtues of people who stick their pinkies out when they drink. Everyone has something to say about that. Even I did, until someone pointed out that I was a culprit myself.
I sometimes have this problem as well. It seems that I’ve got to be able to obviously click with someone to have a good conversation. The other side has to be pretty willing, as well.
Asking strippers about what they think about the estate tax, the war in Iraq, and why I get annoyed listening to Senator Robert Byrd lecture on the floor aren’t going to get tits shoved in your face.
That 20 dollar bill will, though. Ah, money. The Great Equalizer.
At a recent party, while talking about Good Party Dialogue Topics (“so how do you know the host?”) and Bad Party Dialogue Topics (“there is no God”), I mentioned my belief that there are a handful of subjects on which nearly everybody has a really good story.
One of the best, I suggested: “Tell me about the greatest meal you ever had.”
At this point, everybody’s expression melted into a dreamy, faraway look.
Seriously, almost everyone loves telling stories about themselves. You can often tell when they’re hoping to tell the story because they’ll drop a reference to something into their conversation and then follow it with a small, expectant pause (and depending on the person, either a clear, direct look at you, or a casual glance away, as if distracted), which is your cue to ask them about it. Pick up these cues, and invite people to tell their stories. Result, conversation, albeit a little one-sided, at least until you get to know them a little better.
Imean,mightbeaftersomewalksandtalksandstuff but thisisabitfastok, and yes, I happen to have an interest in alternative methods for energy production, sorry! And I do find marine biology fascinating!